Missing The Days

I miss working as a process engineer. My short stay at HGST (then Hitachi) was my most dramatic and unforgettable work experience. If ever I am still living in the Philippines and somebody would ask me to go back, maybe I'll really consider going back, provided that Sir Pepot will be my manager. Maybe he was right, one thing that triggered me to resign was that reorganization. Because if not, if it is the work in general, then I won't be writing anything this time. I miss being a simple me at work, where I do not have to dress up to impress since I would either wear an electrostatic jacket or cleanroom suit whole day. Where I do not have to worry about having the most expensive shoes I can afford since we are all wearing the same shoes whole day, literally. I miss the stressful days that always starts with a meeting and then a whole day of different challenges and endless responsibilities. I miss waking up early and sleeping late, or worst, being awakened by a phone call after an hour or two of sleep. I miss being the last process engineer in the plant before shutdown and also the first one before start up. I miss the feeling of seeing my planner full of tasks to be done and the feeling when I have to search through the pages for a specific task that was recently accomplished: oh! What a fulfillment it was to put that check mark next to it! It was really a stressful job, but I have learned a lot, and I did enjoy every moment I was there. But why I left HGST, if I really loved the job? I know alot may ask. Honestly, on my last day, as I try to solve one last issue with teary eyes, there was one question on my head: is this really what I wanted? I wanted to run to the management and the HR personnel and tell them, "Wait! That letter was not meant for you, it was part of a novel I am trying to write!" But then, I know, no one would believe me, because the addressee was correct and my ego told me I can't do that because my last sentence there was "This decision is final and irrevocable." So after that last endorsement and a short meeting with Nessie and Sir Romy, I went down quietly, asking a friend to help me escape because I do not want to be applauded by the whole engineering team (a tradition I do not know from where it started), because I was not really proud of my decision. Took my shoes off, cleared up my locker and walked through that metal detector for the last time. One thing that made me draft that letter was STRESS. A kind of stress that either shopping or a cup of coffee at my favorite coffee shop can cure. However, it is totally impossible for me to have this theraphy anytime that I wanted. First of all, going out of the vicinity is not that easy, one must first secure a pass to go out, which reminded me of my high school days. That was something unfathomable. I wanted to do some destressing at the coffee shop, but I cannot easily do that, even if Paseo de Santa Rosa was just a few kilometer away. I do not want the common coffee at the vendo machine, I wanted to really pamper myself in order to get back my energy (yes, I am sometimes maarte). Sometimes, I wanted to treat myself lavishly for lunch, but again, it's impossible. I guess, I got tired of those trying-hard Japanese/ Mongolian/ Filipino dishes served at the cafeteria and my normal mind stopped working properly and simply printed and signed that resignation letter without thinking twice. Before I knew it, it was already being discussed on our next meeting. I was so full of myself that I did not want to revoke my letter even if Ma'am Jenny had asked me million times. One question from Sir Pepot made me think though, he asked that if ever there was no reorganization, would have I done the same or would have I stayed? I believe, I was not able to answer him. I have learned a lot under his and Sir Kerry's management, that even if I am not an engineering graduate but a chemistry graduate, they helped me get through the job and trusted me of lots of responsibilities and believed on my capabilities. Whatever had I accomplished there, it's all through their help and trust. But I got no time to go back there and revoke my resignation, my last day was a Friday and the following week, I started with Emerson. But don't get me wrong here, I do not regret working with Emerson either. Emerson gave me a totally different experience and learnings. I got to see the other side of the world, which led me to the arms of my husband. I also got great colleagues and had happy moments with them as well. What only lacked was the challenges and the variation on my everyday task. Back-office job was so routine that I was culture-shocked when I started at Emerson. There were moments of boredom when I have thought of resigning and going back to HGST, but I cannot, because of the bond I have to pay if did that. So I confined myself staring whole day at my computer, going through all the folders of Service aand Training departments, searching for something new and interesting, and when these did not work out against my boredom, I enrolled at Goethe Institut even if my job does not really requires fluency in German language. I started learning a new language in order to give a little spice in my life as a working individual. I was really thankful I did it, because I am making use of it this time.

Mir/ Mich Und Dir/ Dich Sind Immer Noch Meine Probleme

Ich weiß nicht mehr, was ich tun muss, um diese Pronomen richtig benutzen zu können. Mit den Präpositionen (mit, bei, nach, zu) habe ich kein Problem aber mit bestimmten Verben und diesen Wechslungspräpositionen (an, in, auf) sind meine Sätze schon ganz chaotisch! Es macht mich schon manchmal ein wenig deprimiert.

Autumn Fun

We are not really sure, but it is possible that this weekend is the last time we can enjoy the sun with aa temperature of 20 degrees Celsius! So we took the chance and had fun outside.

Update

Ich habe früher gebloggt, dass ich im Krankenhaus war. Mein Hausarzt ist nun jetzt vom Urlaub gekommen und ich habe endlich mit ihm gesprochen. Ich bin ganz fröhlich, weil alle sieht sehr gut aus. Auch mein MRT gab gute Nachrichten. Es ist wirklich nur wegen diesen Steine in meinen Ohren, die verantwortlich für Gleichgewicht. Ich muss nur wieder einen Termin mit meinem HNO Arzt am Januar machen, um einen Weg zu finden, wie diese wieder gut funktionieren.

I have blogged a while back that I was in the hospital. My doctor is finally back and I had finally talked with him. I am totally happy that everything seems to be okay. My MRI also gave good news. It is all just because of vertigo. It is not so bad as it seems, I just have to go back to my ENT doctor and find ways to make this part of my ears to function perfectly again.

Reflections

I remember when I was still working at the call center, I was the bitterest person ever in our account. I was fresh from break up and I cannot accept the fact that he ditched me for another woman. One idle shift, I had a heart to heart talk with my team mate and told me one sound advice, which I ignored and laughed at. She did not directly tell me that advice, rather, she told me her own story.

She is happily married with two young boys, and her husband was not her first boyfriend as well. She was also devastated the time she broke up with her first boyfriend, but when she met her husband, everything changed. One time, she crossed paths again with her first boyfriend, and the first thing she told herself, "thank God, I did not marry this guy." I laughed at her and told her she was mean. She then told me these words, "believe me, my dear. When you finally meet your Mr. Right, when your Prince Charming finally finds his way, you'd utter the same words when you see your ex again." I did not believe her and even told her that would be totally impossible. Her final words were, "you only say that now because you're still hurt, you still hold on to a false hope that he'll be back. He won't because he's not the right guy destined for you. You are one of the sweetest person I have met and there's no other explanation acceptable why he did this to you. Believe me, and when you find the man for you, you'd remember this moment and you'd remember me and tell yourself that I am right."

Today, as I write this blog directly from Germany, I remember my dear team mate and friend back in the Philippines. She is absolutely right in every ways. Though I haven't been to the same situation she was, but merely seeing my ex's photo in Facebook makes me sick and wonder why I wasted so many years crying over this guy. I regret those years I lived in anger, pain and devastation, when all those years I could have spent more with my family and real friends. The Philippines saying that regret comes always at the end is totally true.

I am glad I opened my eyes to the reality and turned back to God. Truly, with His help, one would never lose his way. No matter how impossible it is, He makes it always possible. Even two hearts that were miles apart were able to find its way to each other, because that is how God wrote the story. No matter how impossible it may, for two hearts that are meant to be together, in God's time, they will meet and live together.

I thank God for creating a beautiful love story for me. I thank God for bringing me my husband, the only person who understands all my tantrums and moods and still accepts me with open arms and loves me more and more as the day goes by. I thank God that He helped me to open my eyes and moved on and led my path to my husband's arms. I could not ask for more. I am really loved.

BlogIt Ist Einfach Super!

Finally an application for blogging in Android market that answers all my needs. It allows me to post multiple posts (haven't published anything yet because I got no new photos, but tried it using old photos and it allowed it! I have to delete though since those photos are already published waaaayyy before.), allows me to access my multiple blogs and select which site I would like to post a blog. I got access with the comments, hence if anybody among you would write a comment, I can check it real time and would no longer take me months or even years before realizing that somebody left a comment on one of my posts. Kudos to the developer of this cool application. I am totally satisfied and I could not ask for more. :)

Being Hospitalized in a Foreign Land

I guess, of all the expats all around the world, I am the only one who has fully integrated myself to the land I chose to migrate, not only on everyday life, but also on not-usual-events such as HOSPITALIZATION.

Staying in the hospital is not something new to me, for I used to be a sickly kid. However, system here in Germany is totally different in my homeland, and I was shocked. The day I was admitted was also not so good because the hospital was full. Hence, even if my sickness was not something too serious (based on the initial findings), I have to stay in a room with patients of stroke. A lot of visitors have their curious eyes on me, why a young woman like me is on this station. We got no choice, the doctors wanted to look at me over time hence I have to stay there. I had to stay there for four days, and I found that a bit depressing.

Back in the Philippines, at least one family member is allowed to stay with you all throughout the time you are confined in the hospital. In that way, when something hurts, or you find it difficult to eat alone, you got your "support group" around. But here, I have to endure 4 long days alone, doing all stuffs by myself. That is not a problem for me, but I feel sorry for the elderly. I got a roommate who is 86 years old.  She can still do stuffs on her own but I feel sorry that she has to stay there all alone, with strangers, when it is already almost sunset of her life. While our visitors come and go all throughout the days, hers did not come, I never got to know her daughter that she always calls. She sits all day until 9 in the evening by the window, wishing and hoping to see her son or daughter's car coming in. I feel sad and can't help not to compare the system to the Philippines. I came into a realization then, that we shall move back to the Philippines before my mom reaches that age. I would ensure that I am there and that she would not have to sit by the window and waiting and waiting.

Anyway, back to the topic, aside from this system, I also witnessed first hand how unmanned the nurses here are. For morning shift, there are around 4 or 5 nurses, including the trainees, but at night, there are only 2 of them. I could not blame though that not a lot of people chooses this profession here. The pay is not that much, and it requires a lot of their energy, physically and emotionally. This situation is not different from the Philippines. I used to have a room mate who was a nurse in a private hospital in the Philippines and she complains about the hard work and less pay they receive, that's why she made sure that she can leave the country and serve in the US. Today, she is indeed in the US with her family, but I have no more idea about the difference between US and Philippines's salary for nurses. I can only speak for Germany, and it is not good. Yes, they are earning euros. Say a Filipina nurse moves here to work, converting the money that she'll earn, that would definitely be more than how much she earns in the Philippines, it can be 5 times more than that. However, the cost of living here in Germany is not cheap. The apartment costs already at least €500 (I am speaking only here in our county), the electricity and water and internet or phone can sum up to around €300 or €400. She still has to eat and for her transportation, either by bus or with own car (on which the gas fluctuates every hour). Hence, the life of a nurse here can be really difficult. This is one of the professions that I believe, should be receiving more than what they are receiving today. They work really hard, the responsibilities that they carry on their shoulders on every shift they take. I wish that the politicians will get to see this reality.

And lastly, as an expat, being hospitalized in a foreign land with a totally different language is really difficult! Luckily, I can understand a lot of things already, though I still stutter when I speak. Imagine your sickness being explained to you in foreign language. The word "nausea" that I am accustomed to since I was a kid suddenly became "Übelkeit." The heart murmur that I have since time immemorial is termed as "Herzschlag." And finally, the simple term of "Vertigo" I usually say when I get this dizziness (or Schwindel) suddenly became "Gleichgewichtsstörung." I was alone in the hospital and speaks with the doctors and nurses about their findings and hearing all these foreign words for the first time. My husband had mixed emotions that time. One side, he is worried, and on the other side, he is proud. He could not believe that I survived it and I was able to communicate with my doctors and understand them completely! I, myself, was surprised with myself. 

I am already home, but my treatment is not yet complete. I still have a pending MRI test due next week, which gives me headache and depression. Everytime I hear MRI and that the brain shall be scanned, I only have one thought in mind: brain tumor. I am so afraid that they will find tumor and then that will be the end of all my dreams. I still have lots of dreams and things that I wanted to accomplish, which I am afraid that one tumor will end it just like that. Like what I've said earlier, I still wanted to take care of my mom during her old days, hence I wanted to live longer than my mom. I am afraid that a tumor will end everything and I shall leave all the people I love alone, nobody to take care for them. I fervently pray that whatever they'll find on my brain would not end all my dreams.

Love

Dream

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” 

― C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote at goodreads.com and it made me think. For days (or better yet, for months), I have no idea what to do with my life here. I feel depressed and hopeless for I felt like I do not have a bright future here, nor a career to add on my name. I have always blogged that I miss the days when I was still working, when I am busy on some other things. But these days, it's all routinary for me: household jobs. I do not regret being a housewife too, I just find it too boring. I want the excitement back in my life. Sometimes, it feels like my mind is no longer working like it used to be. I tend to be so forgetful on lots of things. My husband himself told me it's because I am not used to doing only domestic jobs, since I am used to thinking analytically. One reason why he is suggesting that I go back in the university, in that way, I can put my mind at work again. However, there is this part of me that does not believe on my capabilities. I am afraid, and I always have this voice in my mind that says, "you're too old for that." It disappoints me and makes me lose hope. Until I bumped into this quote by C.S. Lewis, the author of Chronicles of Narnia. He is right. I just need optimism and the strong will. It is never too late for anything. I can achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. With this in mind, I therefore declare, I will go back and study again and do what I really wanted to do.

I will be successful in my own way. I may not be able to work again as a chemist, but the other job that I so wanted to do, I shall have it accomplished. I will not give up and try and try until the last breath in me. Age is only a number, what is important is the will of my heart and how I take each step at a time.

I will succeed and I claim it today.

Soul Mate Part Two

Since somebody explained it far better than I, I will just quote her here.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Soul Mate

My cousin once mentioned to me that she believes in soulmates. She believes that soulmates does not have to end together in marriage. Though some are lucky enough to marry their soulmates, some finds their soulmates as their "the one who got away" or sometimes they are disguised as a best friend or simply a friend. I laughed at her idea but she strongly believes that I, myself, have a soulmate. It is just so funny that she thought my soul mate is my childhood lover turned best friend. I simply agreed on her just to shut her up and make her forget about it. Then I realized, she is somewhat right. We all have our soulmates. I am not exempted to it. But she got it wrong on who my supposed to be soulmate is. I believe my soulmate is my "the one who got away." I believe he is due to some reasons such as:

1) when I had problem with my ex-boyfriend, he was the only guy who gave his shoulder to cry on.
2) even if we did not have a good past, he ensured that we are going to have a good future by staying friends with me.
3) even if I threw him out of my life thousands of times, he still comes back and always comes during the saddest events of my life.
4) as opposed with my best friend who stopped communicating with me when I got married, he kept his communication with me despite the changes in our own relationship stati.
5) even if we do not say a lot of words, we understand each other. We came to know each other despite the lack of words in between.

I do not find it bad to know you have a soulmate. It feels good, in reality. Because a soulmate is like a twin brother/ sister you never had. They can sense when you feel bad and when you need someone to talk to. Although they come disguised as a lover, they are more than that in reality. Soulmates are our angels here on earth.

So if you find your own soulmates, thank them for letting them meet you in this lifetime. We are not all privileged to meet angels on earth. Be thankful, for meeting them means that something great is up to come or that you are destined to learn something big that shall change your whole life.

If you would ask what my soulmate did to mine, he made the way too crooked and painful for me. He made it so that I would be able to see the difference between good and bad, between ugly and beautiful and when I finally met my husband, I learned how to appreciate love and how to love unconditionally.

Forgive and Forget

A friend called to ask for apology for the past that did not go well for the two of us. It feels so good to finally find the freedom from anger and pain. Although I have already forgiven him long before he asked for it, it still feels good that he himself acknowledges what he had done in the past. Now that we are on totally different ways, I wish nothing but his own happiness. Despite all the pain and the tears he caused me in the past, he still deserve a life of bliss and love.

I've already forgotten all those painful memories, long before I forgave him in my heart. But I guess he is right, whatever it is in the past shall forever be inked in our hearts. Just like tattoos. Even if I try to erase those memories, they'd leave a scar that shall guide me in life.

He and I are part of a history, and that history has already been written and completed. I could no longer delete his character because that will change the course of events. He may have hurt me in the past, but if not for that, I would not be where I am now. If not for those tears and pain, I will not find my way to the arms of my husband. If not for all those fights and misunderstandings and lost friendship, I will not learn the value of friendship and forgiveness and love.

I thank him for admitting the wrongdoings and saying the most difficult words "I'm sorry." I wish him nothing but happiness he also deserves. I thank him for freeing me from anger and pain.

Despite all the pains he caused me, I still thank him wholeheartedly. It is because, of all the people who came into my life, he is one of those who marked the most. He taught me a lot of things. He built the way towards my happiness. He was, he is and he will always be a best friend to me.

Independence

Few days ago, I had a talk with my mom. She asked me the usual stuffs we talk about when we chat: how I and my husband are, what is the weather here, the weather in the Philippines, my dear dog and our upcoming vacation. Then I told her I have to cut our chat time short because there are lots of stuff I have to do since we were out of town for three days. Then came this old talks that I am not sure whether I would be grateful of or would piss me off.

Mom: I bet you got lots of clothes to wash.
Me: Yes, and I have to clean the house too.
Mom: Don't force yourself to finish everything today. That is one of my worries here.
Me: Mom, you have nothing to worry here. First of all, I just have to dump the clothes in the machine and wait for it. Secondly, the apartment is not too big that I'd tire myself to death. I think it'll only take me 30 minutes cleaning up.
Mom: When yo start working and I am already there, everything would be easier for you again just like when you were here.
Me: Thanks, ma. But really, everything is okay and my husband is not that sensitive and OC.

I am grateful that up to this time, my mom thinks of me and how she can make things light for me. But honestly, I had enougj of it. I love my independence now. I love that I can cook for myself and for my husband, that I feel more responsible when it comes to cleanliness and order of our house. I have learned to wake up early to ensure my husband's coffee is ready. These stuffs that I experience for the first time makes me totally happy.

I did not come from a rich family, for I am afraid some people would think I am due to my lazy past. The reason why for 27 years, I have never done much of household chores was due to my health. My mom was so afraid that if she forces me to do stuffs, I'd end up having heart aches (literally) or asthma attack. Therefore, she did everything for me. The times when I do chores, such as cleaning the house and waxing and scrubbing the floors, it always end up me being scolded instead of being praised nor thanked for. My mom allows me to help but only for a very short time and she would send me somewhere for errands. We had fought a lot of times over this method of hers, because I have seen my classmates having their own responsobilities at home while I do not have any.

When I left for training in the year 2008, I experienced independence for the first time. It was so great. I felt healthier than ever. I felt more grown up. Hence I told myself, it is now time for my mom to enjoy her days, she does not have to serve me anymore. I am no longer that sickly girl she used to take care of. I am already a grown up woman. But when I went back to the Philippines, it went back to how it was before I left. When I told her I wanted independence, it hurt her and thought that I do not need her anymore. It hurt me more because it is not what I really want! Until a colleague became my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I finally have a reason to give mom a rest from serving me. When we got married, I will be leaving the country and live with my husband in Germany and finally, my dream of independence shall be fulfilled!

True enough, we got married, I moved here and I am enjoying a lot of independence. But my mom still thinks I am still her little girl and would want to move here too to do again what she used to do. I know I am lucky that I have my mom and she is so thoughtful and sweet. But it is already time for her to pamper herself, to enjoy her life and be secured that I can take care of myself and my own family. I do not know how to tell her that without hurting her feelings again. All I got for an answer to her was:

First, mom, you have to learn the language and pass the exam to get here. :)

I think a woman of old age would think otherwise when it entails learning a new language again. I hope that my answer helped me to lower down her expectations that migrating here is not as easy as it is in the US.

Plus I do not want to give up my independence. I am having a lot of fun with it.

Random Whining

It's August and till now I still do not have a concrete idea what to do with my life here. Soon it would be my first year here in the Land of Beer and Sausages and all I got to accomplish is my completion of integration course by passing the language exam for migrants with a B1 level rating and the political overview exam with only one failure. One may say, those are great accomplishments, why this whining? Well, first of all, this language test for migrants is just half higher than my last Goethe Institut exam that I passed, hence it is just like I repeated my Start Deutsch 2 exam and perfected it this time instead of mere 92 grade. Now I understand why the adviser at the school was a bit hesitant on giving me Module 5 to start at, because my last Goethe certificate eligibles me to a higher module but then, the foreign office required me to complete the Module 5-6 at the VHS. It was still the best thing anyway, because I got to improve my listening and speaking skills, the worst fields on my certificate from Goethe Institut. To make it short, this language exam has already been expected out of me from the start (though I admit I was also nervous because what if I stutter? Then even if I perfected the written exam, I would fail it still because the deciding factor on the exam is the oral exam.). Secondly, the basic political exam already comes with this review materials downloadable from the internet complete with answers. Memorization is my best skills. Honestly, I was disappointed that I incurred one failure on the exam because I was o confident with my answers and it only took me 5 minutes to answer the 25 questions. I am wondering where have I gone wrong? I really wanted to go to the office for migrants and asylant --err refugees (I'm sorry, I got this little problem now with my English skills) and ask them to show me my test paper just to know which question was I not able to answer correctly. But of course, that will be totally crazy to do. After these exams, what happened to me? Back to my old routines at home: waking up, cleaning up, cooking and whole day at the internet. As what I frequently blogged before, I will say it again: I miss working.

I miss waking up early like my husband, fixing breakfast, rushing in the shower and rushing to get to the office on time. I miss the stress that the bosses or the colleagues can give. There was one Saturday when my ex-boss asked me to go to the office and help him out on the presentation. I was too excited and full of energy that I only had to pause when my husband came into the old office I used to stay during my training days and tell me it's time to eat. I was even working longer than my husband and my ex-boss as if it's just one of those normal days I had a year ago. They said they'd compensate me for that, it's already 2 months since I did that and I am still not paid, BUT I am happy. That day, I already felt compensated, because they made me feel my worth again. They showed me that I was indeed a big loss for them when I married and have to give up my position in the Manila office to be with my husband here in Germany. That even if they already got someone who replaced me in Manila, there are still these work load that they actually needed me, just like before. I am forever grateful to Emerson for they are like a family to me both in the Philippines and here in Germany. They never forget me and my skills. It is sad though that the companies here that I've applied to are not giving me any chance to prove them of my worth. Every application letter and resume sent, all I receive are just rejection letters. They did not even gave me a chance for an interview. Hence all this whining.

I feel so undervalued here. I am actually willing to start anew hence I am applying on all these "Ausbildung." Yet, they will not give me the chance. I wish one day, a company with a similar heart like Emerson would call me and give me a chance to prove myself. However, the question is, how long should I wait for that time to come? I feel so stocked in the moment. It feels like my life is not moving forward. The days pass and I am still here. Everybody moves forward and I am left on the same spot after my integration exams.

I thought about going back to the university but I asked myself, "am I still fit to relearn my chemistry? Will I be able to make it to these companies that turn me down after doing this?" There is fear and there is hope at the same time. However, the desire to learn Chemistry is now a bit dull. It is no longer shining like it used to before. My friends advised me to take a degree that is of highest need here and it is either chemistry or engineering. My heart is telling me to be a linguist instead, but I do not know where to go after getting an M.A. here, unlike chemistry that the future is so clear, my fear is that it is taught in pure German and I might fail.

I really do not know what to do with my life. I am so left behind. I wanted to move forward but there are no jobs available for me that will give me the opportunity to take the next step. There are countless job vacancies but all I got from them are also countlesa rejection letters. It is sometimes depressing and stressful. I hope somebody out there would help me and give me a hand to go on.

A Little Confidence Helps

I started this new blog (sorry, the world wide web contains tons of my blogs already, most are already forgotten sites via Weebly and Wordpress). The blog has the URL of http://cykocht.blogspot.com (after thousand times of experimenting on lots of blogsites, I came to realize that Blogger is the best free blogsite so far, and I am sticking to it). This blog is intended as a recipe site. It is not because I am a good cook or whatever but rather for me to have a place where I put on my experimented dishes so that in time, I can go back to it and alter some steps or ingredients to improve its taste. If I have it published publicly, maybe somebody would stumble upon it and try it themself and criticize it, in that way I will be able to see where I went wrong as a cook.

I could say that this new blog is full of CONFIDENCE. Not just because I boldly share to the world some of my experimented dishes, but also because I am writing the introduction, ingredients and the procedure in GERMAN. One reason is that I do not know the terms of some ingredients in English (I never cooked before, Germany made me do it!) and since I am in Germany, I get to know these ingredients in German and if I am asked to translate it, they ask me to translate it to Filipino and not English. So there, I have to write it in German even if I am completely aware that my German still sucks (but they said I am better now, I don't believe them 100% though that's why am going back to language school after summer). I have also thought that if I start to write more in German, then I can learn this language faster and be more comfortable with it. I remember in my grade school days, I would write lots of poems and essays in English. My private teacher would read some of it but when I got more independent and needed no more private teacher, I wrote these for myself and when I was already in high school, I corrected my own works and it was surprising to find that as time goes by, each of my work improves on its own, without anyone actually helping me to write them (I always wrote down the dates and the location where I wrote them just like how blogging is nowadays). So I decided to do the same trick with my German learning. I am no longer shy to use the language more each day at every way possible.

I hope that most of you would care to visit it as well. I have added a "Translate" gadget on it to aid non-German speakers.

*as of this writing there is only one post there yet, the next recipe is still in progress.*

The Lord Is Always With Us

I thank Him for protecting my husband yesterday from a big possibility of accident.

He drove yesterday to work without checking his car. Well, for short distance travels and going to work, we don't really check our car before leaving. But as soon as he made his turn from the garage, he heard a loud "bang!" (I was still asleep when he left), but he thought it was just the jug of water at the compartment. So he drove off. He drove at 130-140 kph from house to the Autobahn for almost half an hour when he noticed that the car is somewhat unstable and swerves. He took the exit twice shorter than his usual exit. At the traffic light, he alighted the car and checked the rear of the car. The tyres seems to be fine as he checks. He kicked the left rear tyre and it was fixed. He went to the right rear tyre and kicked it too, it moved. The light turned green, and he thought to himself, I'll check when I get to the office. And drove 10km more with a swerving car. Upon arrival at the office, he made a closer look at his car. He bent down and voila! That thing (sorry, I am not so technical when it comes to car) that holds the tyres is broken. As in it is hanging down to the ground. He called on the mechanic at the other side of the office and asked for help. They drove his car to the garage and on the way, the right tyre went completely loose.

He called me and told me about it. I was so thankful that the Lord saved him. I imagined him driving at 140kph and then if he did not took the early exit, and continued driving at 140, only God knows what might have happened next!

Even if my husband is a non-believer of my God, He protected him from a possible danger. It is because He sees how supportive my husband is for my religious practice. He drives for me when I go to the church. He respects me when it is time for me to say a prayer. The Lord is a just God, He protects and saves all His creations, regardless of their beliefs, as long as He sees that these people are kind and caring towards His other creations.

Thank you, my Lord. You are the greatest! :)

I Am So Lucky!

I am so lucky to have my husband. There has no other guy in this world who understands my tantrums and my insecurities better than him. He accepts me despite all my flaws and helps me go through all these difficulties as a foreigner. I am so happy that I met him and I have him for the rest of my life.

I just wanted the world to know how much I am blessed to have my husband, the one who never lets me down and accepts me for who I am.

I love Mr. Uwe Wussow so much! I am so proud to have him as my husband! :)

Ausländers Problem: Finding New Friends

Officially, I am 9 months and five days here in Germany. I admit, I still do not have someone who I can call my "new friend." I still hang out most of the time with my husband. I tried to follow a fellow Expat Blog forumer's advice in order to get going here: to register on various international forums and sites and meet up with people there. I did, I am a member of Expat Blog, InterNations, Philippinen Portal Forum, and Pinay in Deutschland group page on Facebook. I receive lots of meet up invites, especially thru InterNations, but I have not yet gone into one. My husband is totally supportive about this, but it is I who have a problem.

You may wonder whether I have friends back in my homeland. Of course I do, but those people I consider as friends would only sum up to 50 maximum. Contrary to what they say, that Filipinos are friendly people, I admit I am not. These friends of mine, I became friends with them because they never stopped winning me as their friend. They are the ones who first approached me, talked with me, asked me questions. Even if my answers would only consist of about 2 to 5 words, they never stopped until the time we are already comfortable with each other and they already tell me to shut up because I talk too much. That is how I get friends, I just sit at one corner and let time pass me by, allowing people to talk with me. Only the persistent and patient ones became my friends, others are just acquaintances.

I am sitted in a new corner in my new country. I am patiently waiting for new people who would pass by to talk with me. However, they are not Filipinos, they are not as patient and friendly as the people back in my homeland, that's one reason why my husband insists that I stand and walk into the crowd and introduce myself. But I know I cannot do that, else I will faint. I do not have such gift, I am not Miss Congeniality.

I guess I have to endure longer until I find a job. It is because I get to meet new friends when I am at work or at school, but I never get to win friends just around my community, it is because they have totally different interests and they get easily bored on me.

Maybe other foreigners do not experience this same problem I am in right now. But honestly, this is killing me. I do not know what can I do with myself to find new friends. I want to have new friends, but I do not know how to start good conversations and how to trust them. It is just that I had been through a lot and I got traumatized on trusting people because they always end up abusing my kindness and generosity.

I am thankful though that my husband is helping me through all these.

Tips When Buying Films (Especially Hollywood Films)

I am somewhat a film addict. However, I must admit I do not really like all. But when one film catches my interest, I wanted to own it so that I can watch it anytime I want. My husband is also the same. We both like some Hollywood films, the only difference is, he wanted to see it in German rather than in original English. I can understand him because he has no formal English training and it would be difficult to understand the context when you do not speak the language. Hence, I decided to scout some films that I love and let him watch it too so that he'll understand a part of me. And we do it too vice versa.

For some films I am lucky enough that the German companies retained the English titles such as 50 First Dates, Shrek, Hop, Hangover, Rat Race, etc. or directly translates the title from English to German such as My Best Friend's Wedding (Hochzeit meines besten Freundes), Bruce Almighty (Bruce Allmächtig), Pink Panther (Rosa Panther), The Devil Wears Prada (Der Teufel trägt Prada) and more.

The problem starts when the title is translated indirectly. Like today, I was searching for Naked Weapon DVD because I wanted my husband to see this. I searched throughout the DVD shelves in Media Markt for something with the words "Naked Weapon" or "Nackte Waffe" or whatever with either of the words nackte or Waffe. I failed to find it. All I saw were Lethal Weapon and Naked Fears but none of those phrases on my mind. So we ended up buying films that my husband loves so much and I am totally unaware of, namely Donnie Darko and Spiel Mir Das Lied vom Tod.

While watching Spiel Mir Das Lied vom Tod, the screen flashed me totally different words when I played it in English. Then it occurred to me: the original title of this film is Once Upon A Time In The West. It was indirectly translated!!! It made me think how "Once Upon A Time In The West" that for a simple mind should have been translated as "Es War Einmal Im Westen" was translated to "Spiel mir Das Lied vom Tod" (or in English means "Play Me The Song from Dead")? The harmonica answered my question (I will not say more, if you have watched it, you know what I mean and if not, I suggest that you watch it, it is indeed a good film!).

Because of that, I turned to Google for answers why I cannot find my other favorite films or why I sometimes after reading the title I think I haven't seen that film yet but once I watch it, I end up saying "yeah, I've seen it already!". Here are some answers:

1. Naked Weapon is actually Drei Todesengel in geheimer Mission (Three Deadly Angels in a Secret Mission)
2. Closer is Hautnah (Skin Near?!?)
3. Get Me To The Greeks is Männertrip (Men's Trip?!?!)
4. Hall Pass is Alles Erlaubt - Eine Woche Ohne Regeln (All Allowed -Week Without Rules)
5. Just Go With It is Meine Erfundene Frau (My finally-found- Woman?!?)

...And so much more!

Lesson learned: check the net first for German titles before hitting the store because not all titles are directly translated. Searching the titles first can save you from headache and time.

My Philosophy 101

In my 28 years of existence, I came to realize what philosophy really is. It is not something that we must follow because the philosophers before us said it. What the philosophers in the past had said, they should only serve as a guide for us to find our own philosophy. We are created having the most wonderful talent, rationalizing, hence we must make good use of it. We must rationalize from within and find the meaning of our lives. Hence, I came down with the following as my philosophy. It may have been said before by some philosophers, and some may not agree on what the norms believe, but I am entitled to these, because I am a rationalized being, and I have the right to philosophize.

1. Things do not change. It is our perspective that changes. An apple is an apple until the end, it does not become a pear at any point of its life. It only ripens and eventually rottens, and we as individuals are the ones who give this state to it. It is our perspective that says when an apple is good to eat and when it is not. Hence, you must not hate other people because they are no longer who they are when you met them, sit back and find the reason from within. Most of the time, the reason why we hate them now is because our perspective of them changed. They did not change, they only became too familiar to us that the way we look at them becomes more defined and our minds do not like the reality we are seeing now. Instead of forcing them to change to who they are not, tell your mind to accept the things. Nothing really changed, the reality is just more crystal clear now. When you learn to accept that nothing really changes, you would never get yourself disappointed.

2. Expectations causes our perspectives to change and eventually disappointments. The more you expect, the bigger disappointment you will get. When you expect, you create this illusion of reality in your mind, that when it is not met, you'd end up saying things have changed on them, but they did not, everything's just in your mind. Hence, stop expecting. Take things as it is. Let yourself be surprised.

3. There is no perfect relationship, because there is no such thing as perfect. What there is is a successful relationship. The key to having a successful relationship is acceptance. No one must change. Both must only learn to accept the reality. Reality is only painful and hard to accept if we have this painting called Portrait of Expectations displayed in our hearts. Put down this painting and give the brush to your partner. Let him/ her paint the reality in your heart. You will end up more beautiful and loving at the same time.

I will stop here for now. I am still on continuous study in this University of Life. I do not expect you to agree on me on these three points in life. As I have said, we have our own philosophy. Instead, I challenge you to write down your own philosophy and inspire people. Nothing is more fulfilling than inspiring others.

Chase Your Dreams

My friend posted this status on his page: "I used to dream of being a musician. Now that I am old, will I still be able to pursue it?" Without hesitation, I commented and told him that age should never be a hindrance on chasing one's dream. This topic inspired me to write this blog.

When I was two years old and the elders would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer was very simple and sounds stupid: I wanted to be a sales lady. I am not quitr sure why I answered that. While other kids of my age would say they wanted to be doctors or nurses to cure the ill, pilots or stewards to travel the world, my answer was to be a sales lady simply because I find them fashionable and pretty. However, unlike my friends whose dreams never changed till they grow old, mine transformed into totally different goal in life: as I started to learn the ABCs and be able to write them, I realized I wanted to be a writer. I found the beauty of words and how fashionable they seem to be when they sit beside each other. Each phrase or sentence is unique and beautiful on its own way. Because of this admiration, I had also wanted to be that artist behind those stories and poems. It was a dream I never got a chance to fulfill,yet.

I stopped chasing this dream when I was on my last year in high school. My teacher on Creative Writing told me one devastating sentence that shattered my dream of being a writer: "you lack the talent and skill of being a writer." I actually did not cry hearing this. I was just totally destroyed. All the phrases I gained from my family and friends regarding my works (essays and poems) were all put into thrash by this woman who gained her degree on English and Literature. I believed her words because she spent years learning this art I am so in love with, hence she has all the right to tell me that I am not meant to be a writer.

I searched my soul and tried to find my path. I was good in Science, particularly Chemistry and Physics, hence decided to pursue this as a career. However, everytime I work in the laboratory, the chemical labels and reactions are playing on my mind and I always end up describing events and feelings metaphorically using Chemistry and Physics. A friend in the university told me I have the talent to be a writer, but I answered her, no, I got no talent on that. I kept on turning my back away from writing because I still hold on to the words of my high school teacher.

But the more I turn my back to it, the unhappier I am.

I had graduated from the university with average grades. I started working as a chemist and as a process engineer. But I always end up unhappy and would move forward. My resume is so dirty for having lots of company on the list,staying only a maximum of one year on each. I feel so bad and sad about it. I cannot find satisfaction on any of them. It seems like I am treading a totally wrong path. I am so lost. Whenever I would go for another interview and the personnel would ask me why I would leave my current job and if I could stay loyal on their company, I ask the same question to myself. But I got no courage to make a 180° turn and rewrite my life. Hence, in order to help myself appreciate my career and keep my heart happy, I started to blog. When I started to blog, my job as a chemist became lighter.

That was it! My dream never died. It was just lurking in the deepest part of me, giving me signs every once in a while. As a colleague started to read my blog, she said I should pursue writing. I tried to write a poem again, she liked it. They liked it.

Then, I felt free. I started chasing my dream again. I got hired in Emerson as a Documentation Engineer. I realized that I can be both a writer and a technical/ scientific person. In Emerson, I found myself, I was who I wanted me to be, maybe not 100% because I am not writing poems for living, but I am a writer, a technical writer. I am painting using words to help engineers and lay people understand our product. It was a different fulfillment, and I was happy. I now understand why since I graduated, I always see Emerson on every job ads in newspaper and internet. It was a sign for me to finally freed myself and start to chase my dream again.

I am still chasing my dream. There are still parts of it that has not yet materialized. I am still running after it, and I am determined to fulfilling it.

I know the road is still far and wide.
Nevertheless, I will continue dreaming.
I will wake up each day and run after it.
I will never get tired chasing it.
I will not stop, until I reach the top.
I will prove those who belittled me,
That I am more than anybody else.
I will continue chasing my dream.
Hope, faith and determination,
Will be my favorite companions.

I challenge you to do the same.
Go and follow your dreams with haste.

Mixed Thoughts

When I read the title of an article (please click here) a day ago, I cringed instead of being proud. I mean, seriously, Philippines lent $1B to the euro zone fund? I thought, "is this really my homeland or there is another Philippines in this world?" However, after reading through it, I know I am not dreaming. It is indeed about our BSP's (Banko Sentral ng Pilipinas or CBP for Central Bank of the Philippines) recent activity.

As far as I know, we are still a third-world country (any economist/ financial analyst can correct me here). There are a lot of other things that the BSP should work on in the Philippines alone. What they claimed in the article that our economy is not that bad anymore unlike in the past is for most Filipinos an illusion. While the malls and high-rise condominium buildings, the facade of the economic status, increases in number, the infrastructures that the majority of the Filipinos need decreases. It would have been a good news if there are no high-priority issues to be addressed in the country. 

What made me think and say that there are still unanswered issues in the Philippines:

1. There are still a lot of unemployed citizens in the country.
2. Not all children are able to go to school due to:
   • their parents are unemployed and cannot afford school
   • not enough schools available on their area
   • does not receive proper nourishment
3. The health of the people are not at its best. The health benefits they receive are not enough.
4. Not all people can afford to have their own house. I think, instead of building expensive condominiums in the cities, why not put these money to build homes at a more affordable price for everybody?
5. The environmental aspect of the country is crying.
6. The morality of the people decreases.
7. There are still millions of OFW (Overseas Filipino Workers) around the world (and the number is increasing!). Why don't they put these money to build more opportunities for jobs in the Philippines instead?
8. Our military group receives not enough compensation, both for retired and still on duty.
9. The farmers do not receive enough support.
10. While all the prices are increasing, from gasoline to all commodities, the regular employees' salary barely increase, or not at all for the past 10 years. This situation results to number 7.

These observations are just but a few of those that I have seen personally while I was still living in the Philippines. It is not bad to help others, but it won't hurt if they thought first of helping their citizens.

On the lighter side though, the second up to the last topics on that said article made me smile in a way. The top businesses in the country are still on the positive side, I just hope that they would do something to help the fellow Filipinos to stay on the positive side too. As for DMCI projects, it is good, but I do hope that the price of their projects would be at the price that regular employees can be able to pay. And lastly, the initiative to renovate and modernize local airports is totally awesome! It is so far the best project I have ever read. I do hope that the tourism would increase after that, so that the country can move further up.

Again, these are just my opinions. I do not ask you to agree on me.

Lola's 79th Birthday

I am so grateful I was still there. Eventhough we do not always agree with each other, I still love her. She's so beautiful even on her old age.

Brüder Grimms Haus in Steinau

The famous Brothers Grimm are Hessisch! One of the house where they lived and wrote some of their works is just 11 km away from us!

A Little Trivia: Snow White story is based on real people. The girl which inspired them about Snow White lived in Lohr am Main, the next County to Main-Kinzig-Kreis. The place where she lived with the dwarves is said to be in Bieber, Biebergemünd (yes, the next village to us), and they were said to be the miners. In old times, the miners were small people (compared to a natural height of Germans) that's why they were called dwarves. In Lohr was also this factory that manufactures mirrors, that inspired the character of Magic Mirror. The wandering path along the series of mountains from Schloss Lohr am Main (Lohr Castle, http://www.antenne.de/Schneewittchen-Schlo%C3%9F%20in%20Lohr%20am%20Main%20__schoeneorte_233923_news.html) to Bieber, Biebergemünd is called Schneewittchenwandernweg (Snow White's Path) and is approximately 35 km, one of the famous path taken by wanderers and bikers.

Urlaub 2010

Uwe's first time in the Philippines! That was also the time when he told my family he wants to marry me ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!!! :D

Spring 2012

First real spring for me. I am always here during Fall and Winter.

Saxony, Germany

Dresden, Moritzburg, Meissen, Radeburg.

Pentecost weekend with hubby and some Emerson guys from USA.

Key To A Successful Relationship: Trust and Communication

Our marriage is like anybody's marriage. We have fun times together wherein we laugh out loud like two crazy people. We have serious times together when we would exchange our thoughts and opinions over the current events in Germany and in the whole world. We fight, so often than you could imagine, over reasons that are sometimes already categorized as unreasonable. I am not proud of that. As much as possible I do not want to fight. But there are things I am proud of that I hope all other relationships in this world would have: trust and communication.

It is not really easy to give more than a hundred percent trust on your partner. Especially in my case, we have totally different culture, and he had a lot of past to tell. Despite it all, I decided to give him my full trust. I believe and hold on to his words that "he had already seen the world." Sometimes, we fight over his habit of staying up too late because of computer game or simply the internet. As somebody who grew up in a strict household, I find it hard to accept. I wanted to change his lifestyle. I wanted him to go to bed the same time I do. We fought too long over this. Too small thing but we usually argue endlessly. But because we do our best to communicate, we were able to sort this out and the solution we found is simple:TRUST. He asked me to trust him, that he knows what he is doing and everything is planned and will not affect his working condition. I listened to him and trusted him about it. Since then, it became easier for me to sleep at night (no more uneasiness nor insomnia), and surprisingly, I can feel him going to bed earlier than when we still fought over it. Indeed, trust helped us to have a more harmonious relationship.

We still fight, but it is not like before that we fight almost every week. It is also because we communicate healthily. When something bothers me or bothers him, we speak it truthfully. "I don't like what you said," "Your opinion hurts me," "I don't feel like talking today." These are just some of the phrases we use to communicate. He either stops talking and simply hugs me or asks me further why I feel this way. When I feel not talking, I tell it to him and go to the bedroom. I sit an hour or two drafting a letter. Either I leave the letter by the fridge door or send it as an e-mail. When he goes to bed, he will hold my hand and squeeze it tightly and kiss my forehead. We usually wake up with our hands still holding. Then he would tell me whether he understands the cause of my "tantrum" or if he got other solution for it. The fight is resolved. We then become more loving of each other than before.

Ours is still young, I know. I admit I am not a "professional" to say that ours is the healthiest marriage or whatever. However, I am positive that what we have shall last a lot of years, hopefully until forever, because we practice the important values a family should have: LOVE, TRUST, RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING and COMMUNICATION.

My New Hometown ► Biebergemünd

Around the neighborhood and inside our house. Just everything Biebergemündisch... :)

Coco! ♥♥♥

Coco, Cuhcuh, Koko... So many spellings of his nickname, but his real name is All Nam-Nam (name given and registered by Aries of Bluebox).

I adopted him last year, 29th of April. It was not planned, we went at Aries's house, not because we wanted to buy a dog, but because my husband needs to buy a pack of cigarette! We saw the ad by their gate that there are already puppies ready for adoption. We asked Aries's father if we can see the puppies. He was so kind and took Coco and his sister out. Coco was so sweet, he immediately came to hubby and licked him. We both fell in love with Coco, not only because he's sweet but also because he's a male! (We do not want a female dog actually.) So we asked how much does the adoption costs. Aries was so nice, he gave us a discount because he said we're neighbors and because Coco seems to like us immediately (other people might charge us higher because my hubby is a foreigner, but Aries did the other way).

So there! He's so loved by all of my cousins, niece and relatives! Who would not love this cute little dog? He got all the sweetness in the world!

And I miss him so much,,,

Easter in Mainz

Ody went to visit us. The planned Cologne trip was changed to Mainz.

Not bad at all.

Bundesliga 2011-2012: Dortmund vs Stuttgart

We were so lucky to be able to watch the said-to-be Game of the Season! Who would have thought that Stuttgart can match the strongest team, Dortmund. First half time was 2:0 for Dortmund. On the second half time, Stuttgart made 2 goals in 10 minutes! Then it was a running goals for the two teams. At 89 minutes, the score was 4:3 for Dortmund. Klopp was already rejoicing for he thought they already won, but wait! There was 3 minutes after game due to fouls and fireworks. 2 seconds before the referee called in a night: Stuttgart made a goal!

That was the most number of goals ever made for the season. :)

Thanks to Lothar Ott for the tickets. :)

New Year Walk

I noticed that most people here go out to take a walk on New Year's day. I don't know what it means, but I was envious. So my husband took me for a walk... Our destination: The Middlepoint of European Union in Meerholz. :)

Ausländer's Problem: Language (Sprache)

So I have posted a poem today for my husband for the reason that we got into a fight the night before yesterday. That was also the reason why there was a lot of hatred posts before today, I am sorry, I was carried away by my emotions. Anyway, I am not quite sure if I should write more in German so that he can fully understand my thoughts or just write in the language I am most comfortable:English and Filipino. It is because I still do not have the full confidence to use the German language. The translation I wrote there was purely rough. I am fully aware I got lots of error there. Still, I decided to publish it despite and inspite of errors it contains. I mean, one cannot learn without committing any mistake.

Anyway, I had blogged once that my DTZ exam was near. Today, I am proud to say that I have passed it! I am now certified that I can read, speak and write in B1 level of German! Here is the CEFR (Common European Framework of Reference) description of B1:

Can understand the main points of clear standard input on familiar matters regularly encountered in work, school, leisure, etc. Can deal with most situations likely to arise whilst travelling in an area where the language is spoken. Can produce simple connected text on topics which are familiar or of personal interest. Can describe experiences and events, dreams, hopes & ambitions and briefly give reasons and explanations for opinions and plans.


I know it is still not enough. However, it is enough for me to be able to go on to the next level. B2 classes will start on 3. September and it is only twice a week. That means that B2 will take around 6 months instead of 3 months. Now, the dilemna is, we are flying to the Philippines and will be staying there for 8 weeks! (Yes, we are! ) That means if ever I enroll for the next class, I am going to miss around 14-15 meetings (minus the Christmas break already) which is a lot and is not good for a learner since each day means harder yet important lessons. Therefore, I am thinking that I'd take that class when we get back from our tropical vacation. That also means that I will no longer be classmates with my friends. But it also means that I am going to win new friends.

It is totally different here and adjustment takes time. But I am glad that I am almost halfway there. I can say that I am confident enough to apply on real German jobs, or take Ausbildung. I just hope that these companies would really give me a chance to prove myself to them.

I can finally smell my beautiful future in the Land of Beer and Sausages!

Love Against All Odds (Liebe Entgegen Alle Ungleichheit)

All the dramas are through
(Alle Dramen sind vorbei)
All the tears are dried
(Das Weinen hat schon beendet)
We found a way to compromise
(Kompromise wird endlich gefunden)
Love has won the fight.
(Die Liebe hat den Kampf gewonnen).

I am smiling now
(Ich bin nun so glücklich)
The heavy weight is gone
(Das Gewicht wird weggenommen)
Love is truely magical
(Die Liebe ist wirklich magisch)
And I am glad I found love.
(Und ich bin froh, dass ich verliebt bin).

If you happen to read this,my baby
(Wenn du,mein Baby, liest den)
Rest assured all is back to normal
(Versichere dir, alles wieder okay)
What happened in the past is past
(Was passiert ist,ist schon vorbei)
What is important is the now.

(Die wichtigste ist was wir jetzt sind).
I love you and I always will
(Ich liebe dich und es ist für immer)
Be it raining or sun shining
(Egal ob es regnet oder die Sonne scheint)
My love will stay and fight till the end
(Meine Liebe bleibt und kämpft bis zu Ende)
Coz that is what love really means.
(Weil meine Liebe unendlich ist).

I love you so much my Baby!

Hello God

Hello God,

I missed you. I am sorry I went astray. I am sorry I kept on ignoring you.

And now I am on my lowest, I do not have any other person to turn to. Because I don't think other people would understand me. I know it's only You who can understand me and accept me despite my flaws. I know You will not turn me down because You are always full of love.

I think I understand now how You feel everytime I ignore You. I know now how bad You feel when You wanted to talk with me but I always keep myself busy of these worldly things. Then when I do not get what I want, I am mad at You. I had the taste of my own medicine. I am truly sorry. I now know why You bled so hard yet You still lived. It is so painful. The bleeding would not stop. Yet I am still alive.

Please God help me to get through this. I am weak. You are my strength. Please help me stand and be strong. Please God, sit beside me and keep me company. I am in so much pain, I need someone to be there for me as I cry all the pains out.

Thank You God for listening.

Amen.

Herzschmerzen

Was ist mit uns geworden?
Ich weiß gar nicht mehr.
Ich versuche immer die beste zu machen,
Trotzdem sind für dich nicht genug.
Warum bin ich immer, die einzige zu verändern?
Wenn du so wenig versucht hast, um zu verändern?
Ich fühle mich zu schwer,
Dass du mit mir böse bist,
Und nur wegen deinem Laster
Mit dem bin ich eifersüchtig.
Wenn du mehr Zeit für mich hast,
Dann wäre ich sehr glücklich.
Ich möchte nur sagen,
Wie ich mich wirklich fühle.
Im Moment bin ich müde,
Und mein Herz schmerzt so viel.
Ich vermisse dich.
Ich vermisse die Vergangenheit.
Ich hoffe, dass du in Zukunft wieder hier bist.
Weil ich dich liebe.
Ich warte auf dich.
Egal ob ich lange auf dich warten muss.
Egal ob mein Herz immer schmerzt.
Egal ob ich sterbe.
Weil ich dich liebe.
Ich liebe dich.
Bitte komm zurück.

I'll Fight For Our Love

I'm tired.
I am tired from crying.
I am tired from thinking where do I really belong.
But I will fight for you.
No matter how painful it may seem.
No matter if you see it or not.
I will fight.
I will forever hold on your words of love.
I will forever believe.
I will blindfold myself and go on following.
I have given you my vow.
And you gave me yours.
Therefore I will hold on that vow.
And stay and love you until forever.
Even if it hurts.
Even if I have to cry everyday.
Even if you do not see what I do for you.
Even if you don't believe.
I will be here to hold you.
To love you.
To care for you.
To fight for you.
I love you until the end of time.

Eye Opener

This morning, I had made a very important decision that shall change my future in so many ways. I told my husband about it and I'm so glad and lucky that he is happy with my decision and is willing to support me all the way. I've decided to pursue my Masters degree in Chemistry.

For months, I have been thinking about it. I have actually thought of just doing the Ausbildung in order to get a job fast. Worst, I had thought of abandoning my hard-earned degree and start anew. Then just yesterday, while passing my time through the internet, I thought of visiting the website of Goethe University in Frankfurt. Actually, the real reason was to check on the requirements for Germanistik studies. But as I browse the site and the uni-assist site, it all showed me signs that I can actually take Masters even if I had my Bachelor degree from the Philippines! Still, I was thinking twice because Chemistry is not just anything and it really requires concentration and seriousness. However, it occured to me, while taking a bath this morning, why would I waste this opportunity that is right in front of me? I mean, nothing would be lost if I try.

Germany is known to be the Motherland of Chemistry. That is a reason too why we had German as a Foreign Language back in the university, instead of Spanish or French which are more popular in the Philippines. It is because the best chemists came from Germany and lots of journals of great theories and hypotheses are written in German.

Hence, I am treading a new path. There is already a clearer vision in front of me. The path is now enlightened, and I already have my map. It makes me happy and determined. I am destined to be a chemist. Not only in the Philippines, but also here in Germany.

It's a long way ahead, but still I am optimistic that I can reach that goal in no time. I am going to be someone that my family and friends and country would be proud of.

I'm so excited to take the next step!

It's just funny how I get ideas and decisions while taking a bath.:-D

It's June Already!

I am being totally irresponsible! My last post here was way back September 2011!!! I guess, I owe some updates here. By the way, I have to warn you against tons of grammatical error because I am not being able to use my English here, as in totally. 

A week after my last post, I got a call from the German Embassy and informed me about the good news: my visa was approved! So I went back to Manila that week to submit a copy of my flight details and my passport. Then it took around 3 days and my passport arrived right in front our doorstep! But the stressful days were not done, I had to go to CFO to get my stickers and then had to go for some shopping. To cut it short, I arrived here in Germany on the sixth of October. 

Time runs real fast! It's almost 8 months since I came and reside here! It took 3 months though before I get to start on my language course again. It was because there was always no available slot for me. And just last month, I took my exam, DTZ (Deutsch für Zuwanderer), it is intended to measure how integrated we are already on the language. Until now, we are waiting for the result, though. So technically, I am again a bum: no school, no work, just chilling at home. I wanted to apply for Ausbildung, in fact, I already got a response from Veritas, but hubby said to wait a little longer, they are planning something for me in my old company. Maybe I'll wait until August, since the application deadline for Ausbildungplatz is by September. So I guess, I have to endure more months of boredom at home. It would have been a bit different if we live in a village that is like Gelnhausen or Lieblos: bus comes are every 30 minutes. Right where we live in, the bus does not have any concrete schedule (at least that is what I've observed), except for the time when the kids are about to go home from school, that is at 12noon and 1pm. I honestly miss living in the city.

That'll be all for now, since I am not making sense anyway. :D

Love

I am so grateful that I have met a man like him!

I love him until the end of time... :-)

Winter 2011

I was bored at home, so I decided to put on my boots and take a short walk. It was also when I filmed my Christmas greetings to my family. :D

Ausflug in Bamberg

October 2011. About a week after I came here in Germany, my ex-colleagues at Emerson Manila (Jena and Jamel) also came for the training! Hence, we went to explore BAMBERG! An old city at the State of Bayern. :D

i'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and am posting loooooottttssss of über-late photos!!! :D

Mein 28.Geburtstag

19th of December, 2011. A simple celebration with the love of my life at a Greek Restaurant. And also chat time with my family back in the Philippines! :D

Lamentations

Last night, I was staring outside our window and crying. Honestly, I always have this bad mood since I came here in Germany last October. I thought it was brought about only by the weather since October was fall season and then came winter. However, these past few days had been warmer, hitting the temperature scale as high as 30°C, almost feels like Batangas, Philippines. Despite the warmth of spring, I still get this odd feeling every once in a while, to the point that little things irritates me big time. Sometimes I would not want to talk. Sometimes, I feel happier when my husband is at work and I am all alone. Sometimes I wish my mom and my dog are my constant companions instead of him. It sometimes feels like I have decided too early to get on this marriage. But I know far better than giving up. This old Filipino saying, "ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang mainit na kanin na iluluwa mo kapag napaso ang dila mo," (marriage is not like a hot porridge that you eat and when it burns your tongue, you take it out again) is still burning in my heart. I have seen bad times between my grandparents and still, they sticked together until the end. They have the same age difference as I and my husband, hence I am taking their marriage as a model to keep me holding on.

What causes my tantrums and pessimistic thoughts, I am not really sure. It could only be caused by the sudden changes in my life that I think is too much for me. I grew up with my mom always at my side. In my whole single life, the number of times when I need to cook for myself and wash the dishes and do the laundry are very, very few to the point that I can't even remember clearly those events. I think most of those times were when my uncle was so sick and my mom had to accompany my aunt watching over him at the hospital, hence I need to do all stuffs for myself. But I still cheated on those times because I usuall end up dining outside and washing only my lingeries. And now, I have to do all things not only for myself, but also for my husband. What others say, the princess, is now a commoner. Adjusting to my new life is the biggest challenge for me that I sometimes feel so tired physically and emotionally. But I know I am still in the process of learning and getting used to this. A year in marriage is indeed not enough to get used to this. It might take me more months and years to be a professional homemaker like my mom. I just need to keep a positive thought and open mind to get through this. I am still grateful enough that my husband understands me and is shows great patience on me when my tantrums are showing up. What is just difficult is our language barrier. I have difficulty expressing what I feel and think that it sometimes ends up to unwanted arguments. I really do not want to argue with him because I am afraid that arguments can bring us apart and I am afraid to lose him. But I really do not know any other way to express myself aside from breaking into tears.

I wish I can change myself and the way I think and act. I wanted to be the ideal wife to him but it is just so difficult for me. If only there is a magical potion I can take to make me a new person overnight, I'd willingly drink it, no matter how bad it tastes.

All for the happiness of my husband.

Art Appreciation

I used to not like art. I tried since grade school days to at least love to draw, but I always end up in frustration. I realized that art is not on my blood, hence I avoided it all in the past, which is actually easy to do in the Philippines. It is because, in order to see real great art, you must be ready to spend some amount of money, which is sadly a difficult thing for me.

Until I got an opportunity to travel to Germany. First impression: wow! Europe is for me a very  large museum, with Germany as the section for middle age art. I fell in love and my appreciation for art came back. I haven't seen it all yet in Europe, but so far, I am already satisfied. The grandiose cathedrals and schloss are enough for me to say how great are the masterminds of these buildings.

The modern times would of course not let it pass, even the modern graffittis have something to say. They are not just graffittis made by kids, they are skillfully made too, to match the grandiosity at the background.

I wish I could be also an artist in my own way.

Exported From My Android Memoires Application

16.April 2012 um 23:10 Uhr

Nothing new. Back to school and same old things sa school. Ah, oo nga pala yung mga girls na minsang narinig namin na may discriminating words na sinigaw sa min, they came to talk to us to clear things up. Buti na lang at nag-initiate sila, now we feel a little safer at school.

Tim, my stepson, is sick. Dumugo yung pusod nya. Parang hemorrhoids ang findings at kelangan sya operahan. Kaso ayun, parang ako, may exam din sya, kaya sa 25.May pa sya nagpasched magpaopera. Pero kung ako sya, papaopera ko na agad yun bukas na bukas din. Ayoko nga makakita ng dugo lagi sa katawan ko. Isa yun sa mga bagay na ayoko makita nor mahawakan. Hihimatayin ako, promise. Nung tumawag sila sa kin na nasa hospital sila, kinabahan ako, kala ko si Uwe ang sinugod, at least di naman at buti na lang di ganun kalala yung sakit ni Tim. Thanks be to God pa din. At pagdating ko sa bahay, konting linis at laba at tulog ako ng tanghali. Nagising lang ako nung dumating si Ralf, dala ang papaya ko at mangga!!! Plus corn bits pala... Nakakamiss bigla ang Pinas. Pinanood namin mga pics nya nung swimming nila, ang saya. Nakakamiss ang araw at dagat. Nakakamiss ang summer sa Pinas.

Speaking of exam pala, may trial test uli kami next week. Grabe, di ko namamalayan, 2 weeks and 4 days na lang pala at tapos na ang B1 tapos Politics na. At then DTZ exam na. Nakakakaba at nakakaexcite (auf Deutsch, AUFGEREGT)! Sana makapasa ako with flying colors. Kasi gusto ko na din magwork. Two classmates of mine have Vorstellungsgespräch this week, nakakainggit. Sana ako din. Kahit yung Alessa ang tumawag, payag nako, ggrab ko na talaga yun, basta in line pa din sa Chemistry. Sayang naman talaga ang pinag-aralan ko ng 4 years if pagdating dito eh talagang magsstart ako from scratch. I rather start sa isang papel na may isang guhit na. Familiar naman ako sa guhit na yun eh, at from there saka ako magddrawing ng mas maganda at mas madaming figures. Sana talaga pagbigyan ako ni Lord. Sana makapagwork na ko as Ausbilderin as Chemikantin or Chemielaborantin. Promise ko pagbubutihan ko yun at magiging successful ako sa field ng Chemistry dito sa Germany. Dala ko din ata pangalan ng UST at Canossa kaya kelangan magawa ko silang proud in small ways. I got lots of big dreams that I wish will come true. Pero sabi nga nila, to see these dreams come true, one must wake up. I am little by little waking up from my 10 months sleep. Kumbaga, tapos na ang hibernation period, time to wake up and watch spring come to life. Sana lang, as Summer comes, kasing liwanag at init na din ang katuparan ng mga pangarap ko.

Pero sa ngayon, tutulog na ko para mas madami pa akong panaginip na mabuo. Good night Deutschland! Good morning Philippines!

Missing Home

It’s six months and six days
Since I left home
And flew thousand miles
To start a new home.
It has only been months
But it feels like years
Wondering each day
How back home, things has been.
There are still more days to live
And events to attend here
Before I can finally say,
I’m back to my home sweet escape.
I may have a new place called home
But the place I’ve been for years before
Can never be compared
To where I am now.
The warmth, laughter and tears
These things are always missed.
As the cliché goes,
There’s no place like home.

Instagram Fever

I just want to vent out something:

I think I am the only one among my friends and family who does not have Instagram account/ app installed on my gadget, and does not have any plan to get it in the future. Why? It is because for me, whatever Instagram offers to its fans/ customers, I can also get in my Tumblr account, and editing I can do it with other apps as well. Plus I am not someone who loves to instantly post photos as soon as I clicked the shutter, usually I would look at it hundreds of time on my phone and then transfer it on my PC and review it again then edit it and share it to the world or simply save it on my PC. I learned how to keep some parts of my life in private since I set my feet on Germany grounds, and it feels good when there are still parts of my adventures here that my family and friends back home does not know. There will always be something to talk about when I go visit them anytime soon. And now that Facebook is acquiring Instagram, I got more reasons not to get into this bandwagon.

That's all. I will be blogging more in the near future, I am just quite pre-occupied with my German course.

February Is Almost Over

In few days, it's gonna be over. March will finally come to keep us company, bringing along a beautiful spring. I, honestly, am excited for it. I had enough of the negative temperature days, I long to see the sun and finally wear skirts (yay! I miss skirts!). Spring means new life and I am welcoming it with open arms!

I had promised, since the day I started this blog, that I will be treading this path with my head held up and a smile painted on my face. I promise to look beyond the façade of ugliness that is trying to hover over the beauty of life. And I realized that I really can do it. There had been situations in my life this month that was really hard to be happy. New environment because I started to go back to school, new people challenging my patience and friendliness everyday, different cultures that make it hard for me to adapt and make friends that easily. I almost gave up, I wanted to go back home. It was so difficult for me, I got to see real life, and being happy was a challenge. But I shrugged the negative feelings, painted a smile when it is hard to show a genuine one. Little by little, I am starting to win new friends. Little by little they sit beside me now and start talking with me. I no longer need to paint a smile, for I can already do it genuinely. It is hard to be happy at the beginning, but once all the odds are out, everything just starts to be all right. One just needs to be a little giving. I hope that at the coming of spring, I can already call one of them my friend.

I am so happy with the kind of life I am living right now. I love my family and I thank them for bringing happiness to me everyday, for supporting me and telling me that there's no reason to give up.

Happy Valentines Day!

What have you planned for this day? By us is simple: my husband will drive to work while I spend half my day conjugating verbs and learning new vocabularies. In the evening, we might eat something we both crave for, grilled pork or chicken maybe and drink a few glasses of red wine. We planned not to go out for dinner because the weather is crazy! A little bit warmer temperature but lots of snow! Hence, better for us to enjoy the night in our warm apartment. Anyway, everyday is already Valentines day when we're together. :-)

If you are single, don't feel so low, celebrate this day with your parents instead. The main thought for this day is all about LOVE, no matter to whom that love is meant for. Important thing is we all celebrate the wonderful feeling called LOVE.

Happy Valentines Day World!

It's So Magical

One thing I love about winter: SNOW.

Despite the below freezing point temperature, which can be as low as -25 degrees Celsius, Winter is one of my favorite season, next to it is Autumn. I love to watch snow slowly falling down from the sky. However, our location is considered one of the hottest place in Germany, hence snow is not that too often nor too many. Nevertheless, when it starts to fall, I love to sit by the window and stare at it. It is so magical, how it glistens at night and how light they seems to be. Just there, floating in the air, taking their time to fall on earth. Then, after a few minutes, everything is so peaceful, so white and beautiful! It feels so soft under your feet and so fine between your fingertips. It seems like you suddenly are in Wonderland, it's so magical!

It is like telling me to take everything easy, never hurry on anything, for no matter how long it may seem, you'll get there, to your destination, because that is how God had planned everything. So leave everything in God's hand, and enjoy every moment, because it is not that long, in few moment you are no longer where you are right now and would regret not being able to enjoy every moment this life gives.

Prost To Three Years of Love and Friendship!

Today is the day of remembering that special day, three years ago. That was on the evening of  5th of February, when I finally reciprocated his love to me. I never expected it to be this enchanting and lasting. I thank God for sending him along my way. I have never been this happy and contented all my life.

I will always be in love with my husband no matter what age we are.

February Is My Month!

A Large Chair at Freizeit Park in Büdingen

First, I had this new blog, then I decided to look at the brighter side of my life. I did not realize before that positive thinking yields positive results. Truly, it does not hurt to wait for a while, for God is always at work for something good for all of us.

I almost feel so down because I had been here in Germany for 3 months now and still not able to start my language classes. It is because there is always no available slot for me. I really want to give up and fly back to the Philippines. Staying at home all day and not able to meet other people or go to other places makes me feel really low. However, everything's going to change starting next week. My husband talked to the school and they found a slot for me! Yes, finally! I can go back to school and get busy on something - learning and nurturing my German.

Maybe some of you wonder why is it so important for me. Well, for one reason, German language is such a very important tool for a foreigner like me. Germany is a country who loves its native language so much. Unlike in the Philippines, all road signs, buildings, newspapers, etc. are written in German. Hence, in order to survive and have a better life, German is the most important tool to have. True, I do have a little knowledge already, but it is not enough, especially now that I am eyeing a very nice job somewhere.

Secondly, my former professor wrote an email to me. It is not something about job or research proposal, it is all about our faith. Starting this Holy Week, I am officially a contributor for the Tanghalang Anluwage website. It has always been part of my life serving Jesus and the church. When I arrived here in Germany, I felt sad because for the first time, after more than a decade of being part of Teatrong Kumot (a local theater in San Jose, Batangas, Philippines who portrays the Passion of Christ every Holy Week), I would not be a part of it this year. It has been one of my ways of serving the Lord, aside from going with the youth council for apostolate, since I was in high school. It has already been my way of life. But God always finds a way, He made me be part of Tanghalang Anluwage so I can still serve Him, and now I am serving Him ONLINE. :)

My February has just started, so I know there are more good news to come. I am very much excited for the following days and very positive on everything. I miss busy days, and I am happy my busy days are slowly coming back to me. I am glad my chair is comforting, high and large enough for me to sit and watch the world around me and welcome every opportunity that might knock at the door.  I am also willing to share this chair with everyone out there. :)

Happiness Is A Choice

I used to be a grumpy one. It seems like nothing ever pleases me. I always felt like the world has turned its back on me. My best friend used to say I am a sad person not because I am always in deep sh*t, but because I always failed to see the beauty in my life. Before, I could not understand her, what beauty in my life had she seen in mine that I failed to see. I am an illegitimate child, though I was able to carry my dad's name by law, all my childhood Christmases and New Years were spent only with my mom. Then, just these past few days, I decided to list down the blessings I had in the past that I forgot to be thankful of:

1. I am alive! My mom gave life to me despite the complicated future awaiting us.
2. Despite the fact that I didn't see my dad that often in the past, he still sent me to the best schools in town.
3. My mom is still there to fight for me and take care of me, even if she got all the right to breakdown and abandon me.
4. My grandpa was always there for me, and filled up for my dad. Even if he's in heaven now, I can still feel his presence in my life, still there for me, guiding supporting and protecting me.
5. I was gifted with a good brain, hence I am always on the list of honor students and always one of those favored by our teachers.
6. We got a house over our heads even if it is just a small one.
7. I got my friends who accepted me for who I am and for whatever kind of family I came from.
8. I was able to get through all the sicknesses I had in the past: heart disease that was diagnosed at the age of 2 which miraculously was healed at the age of 12 (without any operation!), dengue fever which was luckily still at the milder stage (but I had to stay at the hospital for 7 days).
9. As I grow up, my half-brothers and half-sister learned to accept me and my mom and are closer to me and mom than their own mom (except for the youngest who is still aloof to me until now).
10. When I had to take the licensure board exam, I passed it at one take, even if honestly, I spent most of my review days dining out alone or with friends, sleeping, chatting with my roomies and on every social networking sites there is.
11. Finding a job is always a breeze for me, I send my resume, they call me for interview as soon as they received my CV, and then a day after my interview, they'd call me for salary negotiation. It has always been like that, hence I always have the best companies on my list to choose from. This is true for me even now that I am in Germany and my German is still that bad, a week after I signed up for the online job agent, I received an e-mail asking me to contact them for a possible job interview.
12. I met and married the greatest man in the world, next to my grandpa and my uncles. I never thought that I'd be loved this way in my entire life.

Now that I learned to turn on the light, I realized that my best friend is right, I got lots of reason to be happy about and stop living in the gloom. I thank her for reminding me to turn on the light and see all the beauty in my life. Happiness is indeed a choice, it is up to us whether we'd forever walk in the darkness or turn on the light that we always forget we always carry in our pockets.