Scent of Life

When was the last time that I sat in front of the computer to blog, I cannot remember. I usually blog the last time either on my phone or on hubby's tablet. The last months, rather, years, were a roller coaster ride for me, that my mind is empty. But I guess, things would change this year. I am not sure how or when, but I can smell it in the air.

I woke up early today and sat for quite a while in front of the computer to play some games. Then I decided to start on my daily routine as a wife, but first, I needed the WC. I am not sure what it was, but as I came into the WC, I've noticed that my hubby left the window at the dining area wide open on a winter morning, I smelled something nostalgic. It came from outside, it was that scent that I smelled the first time I stepped my feet on Germany last 2008. I could not incorporate that scent on the melting snow, because when I first came here, that was a warm winter. I am not sure if it came from the Christmas trees, because there's not much of them at Gelnhausen nor in Frankfurt. It cannot be Glühwein or whatever Christmas drinks because I am the only one with open windows in our neighborhood. One thing I thought that could be, it is the Scent of Dreams Coming True. 

Germany is one of my dream country to visit. I first came to know about it in third grade when a newcomer from Cologne went into my school. She told me a lot of interesting stuffs about Germany that I started to dream about it, look at it on Encyclopedia or any other travel books in the library. I asked her to teach me a few German words. I fell in love with it even if I haven't seen it yet. For me, Germany is a Fairy Tale land, where real princesses and princes take a walk on the forests. Where snow is magical. Where fairy godmothers are real. Funny how the nature connived to fulfill this dream of mine. I went to the university as a Chemistry student, a course that I never really wanted but I just got no choice, I have to get into that university no matter what. Little did I know that this course would lead me to getting to Germany. We had German Language in our curriculum. Afterwards, I was hired by different international companies, but funny how Emerson keeps on showing up its ads on me on the newspaper and online. Then came the day that I finally gave in to one of these ads and I got myself in. The next thing I knew, I am walking along the streets of Frankfurt am Main on winter of 2008. In the year 2009, as I came back, I am already cuddling with the love of my life, along the Main river in Kahl. It was a dream come true for me to be in Germany. The One Above gave me even a bonus: to live in the country of my dream.

However, 2011 was a bit confusing for me. After 6 years of working, I experienced the longest unemployment of my life. It was depressing and tiring. I never thought that doing nothing can be more stressful than working. What kept me standing was the waiting for my visa. My hubby told me it won't take that long, I would be with him. I got my visa end of September and I was on my way back to Germany first week of October. It was also not that exciting, to be honest. After 27 years of my life, that would be the longest time I would be away from my family. I went into all crazy, difficult moments of my life from 2011 to 2012: adjustment to a married life, the differing culture between me and my hubby, the language barrier, unemployment, the cold days - not only on winter!, the food, the homesickness. Too much for me to feel, that I thought I am going to die. There were days when I decided to fly back to the Philippines, where employment is a bit easier for me to find. But my love was stronger and kept me stronger and be more patient. Thanks to my hubby who decided to take 2-months-long vacation in the Philippines, because he thinks, that would help me heal. Upon coming back here, I thought it has not changed, all those crazy thoughts are still lurking in my heart and mind. But it changed today. I am not sure what happened, but it just changed, just like that.

I spent my whole day yesterday sending out my resume to different companies. Even if my hubby told me to get back to the university and earn my master's and Ph.D., I've decided to apply at different companies yesterday. Studies is not bad, but with our status, I wanted to be of help. Job is what I need, what I wanted to have. I have this feeling that I am going to meet my new best friend here in Germany in the company I would be working soon. I am excited to meet her that I cannot wait anymore hence for the application. I haven't received any positive feedback yet, nor invitation for an interview. But this scent I smelled this morning, it was a sign, it awakened the hope in me. It brought me back to life. It gave me optimism and motivation. 

That scent that I would never forget because that scent made me believe that dreams do come true.

Dream

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” 

― C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote at goodreads.com and it made me think. For days (or better yet, for months), I have no idea what to do with my life here. I feel depressed and hopeless for I felt like I do not have a bright future here, nor a career to add on my name. I have always blogged that I miss the days when I was still working, when I am busy on some other things. But these days, it's all routinary for me: household jobs. I do not regret being a housewife too, I just find it too boring. I want the excitement back in my life. Sometimes, it feels like my mind is no longer working like it used to be. I tend to be so forgetful on lots of things. My husband himself told me it's because I am not used to doing only domestic jobs, since I am used to thinking analytically. One reason why he is suggesting that I go back in the university, in that way, I can put my mind at work again. However, there is this part of me that does not believe on my capabilities. I am afraid, and I always have this voice in my mind that says, "you're too old for that." It disappoints me and makes me lose hope. Until I bumped into this quote by C.S. Lewis, the author of Chronicles of Narnia. He is right. I just need optimism and the strong will. It is never too late for anything. I can achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. With this in mind, I therefore declare, I will go back and study again and do what I really wanted to do.

I will be successful in my own way. I may not be able to work again as a chemist, but the other job that I so wanted to do, I shall have it accomplished. I will not give up and try and try until the last breath in me. Age is only a number, what is important is the will of my heart and how I take each step at a time.

I will succeed and I claim it today.

Chase Your Dreams

My friend posted this status on his page: "I used to dream of being a musician. Now that I am old, will I still be able to pursue it?" Without hesitation, I commented and told him that age should never be a hindrance on chasing one's dream. This topic inspired me to write this blog.

When I was two years old and the elders would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer was very simple and sounds stupid: I wanted to be a sales lady. I am not quitr sure why I answered that. While other kids of my age would say they wanted to be doctors or nurses to cure the ill, pilots or stewards to travel the world, my answer was to be a sales lady simply because I find them fashionable and pretty. However, unlike my friends whose dreams never changed till they grow old, mine transformed into totally different goal in life: as I started to learn the ABCs and be able to write them, I realized I wanted to be a writer. I found the beauty of words and how fashionable they seem to be when they sit beside each other. Each phrase or sentence is unique and beautiful on its own way. Because of this admiration, I had also wanted to be that artist behind those stories and poems. It was a dream I never got a chance to fulfill,yet.

I stopped chasing this dream when I was on my last year in high school. My teacher on Creative Writing told me one devastating sentence that shattered my dream of being a writer: "you lack the talent and skill of being a writer." I actually did not cry hearing this. I was just totally destroyed. All the phrases I gained from my family and friends regarding my works (essays and poems) were all put into thrash by this woman who gained her degree on English and Literature. I believed her words because she spent years learning this art I am so in love with, hence she has all the right to tell me that I am not meant to be a writer.

I searched my soul and tried to find my path. I was good in Science, particularly Chemistry and Physics, hence decided to pursue this as a career. However, everytime I work in the laboratory, the chemical labels and reactions are playing on my mind and I always end up describing events and feelings metaphorically using Chemistry and Physics. A friend in the university told me I have the talent to be a writer, but I answered her, no, I got no talent on that. I kept on turning my back away from writing because I still hold on to the words of my high school teacher.

But the more I turn my back to it, the unhappier I am.

I had graduated from the university with average grades. I started working as a chemist and as a process engineer. But I always end up unhappy and would move forward. My resume is so dirty for having lots of company on the list,staying only a maximum of one year on each. I feel so bad and sad about it. I cannot find satisfaction on any of them. It seems like I am treading a totally wrong path. I am so lost. Whenever I would go for another interview and the personnel would ask me why I would leave my current job and if I could stay loyal on their company, I ask the same question to myself. But I got no courage to make a 180° turn and rewrite my life. Hence, in order to help myself appreciate my career and keep my heart happy, I started to blog. When I started to blog, my job as a chemist became lighter.

That was it! My dream never died. It was just lurking in the deepest part of me, giving me signs every once in a while. As a colleague started to read my blog, she said I should pursue writing. I tried to write a poem again, she liked it. They liked it.

Then, I felt free. I started chasing my dream again. I got hired in Emerson as a Documentation Engineer. I realized that I can be both a writer and a technical/ scientific person. In Emerson, I found myself, I was who I wanted me to be, maybe not 100% because I am not writing poems for living, but I am a writer, a technical writer. I am painting using words to help engineers and lay people understand our product. It was a different fulfillment, and I was happy. I now understand why since I graduated, I always see Emerson on every job ads in newspaper and internet. It was a sign for me to finally freed myself and start to chase my dream again.

I am still chasing my dream. There are still parts of it that has not yet materialized. I am still running after it, and I am determined to fulfilling it.

I know the road is still far and wide.
Nevertheless, I will continue dreaming.
I will wake up each day and run after it.
I will never get tired chasing it.
I will not stop, until I reach the top.
I will prove those who belittled me,
That I am more than anybody else.
I will continue chasing my dream.
Hope, faith and determination,
Will be my favorite companions.

I challenge you to do the same.
Go and follow your dreams with haste.

when all i can do is dream...

even if i still got 10 months and 29 days to go before my contract ends, i'm already dreaming of that day when i am out of my contract for real, strolling along the streets of Biebergemünd, flying to Köln and Berlin...  go visit princess ody at Wien... so many things in mind, yet, the time is so far away... for before i can do all those stuff, i need to be out of my bond first, and of course, carry a certification that i can actually understand their language, granted they'll speak slow, (and when i say slow that means sssssssssslllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwwwww).

but even if i dream alot for those days in Deutschland, i still get overwhelmed when job starts to pile in front of me. i dunno, i'm not a workaholic type of person, in fact, i'm all set to leave the office right on the dot, and i hate working on weekends. but when they put a lot of work in front of me (but spare me from 20-page or more of German reports PLEASE!), i get excited to work, and i would always want to start on it fast. why did i say this thing here? it's because i just came from a meeting with my fellow QMS, and despite all my rants in the past about being part of this team, i felt excited seeing the time table of what we should accomplish this fiscal year until next year. only when i was back at my station and checked on the details and i remembered it all again. next year, i might be gone... how will all these progress? i feel guilty that i might leave myra alone on this project... and i have thought, i should have not volunteered to be a part of the team that could understand what i really want to do in my life, in my career.

so many things i want to do and places i want to be at... i wish i can get all these things done in time... it feels much much better to see all my dreams become reality...

okay, seems like my blog is going nowhere... i'm losing my thoughts, my writings seems to be not coherent anymore... please bear with me...