Happiness Is A Choice

I used to be a grumpy one. It seems like nothing ever pleases me. I always felt like the world has turned its back on me. My best friend used to say I am a sad person not because I am always in deep sh*t, but because I always failed to see the beauty in my life. Before, I could not understand her, what beauty in my life had she seen in mine that I failed to see. I am an illegitimate child, though I was able to carry my dad's name by law, all my childhood Christmases and New Years were spent only with my mom. Then, just these past few days, I decided to list down the blessings I had in the past that I forgot to be thankful of:

1. I am alive! My mom gave life to me despite the complicated future awaiting us.
2. Despite the fact that I didn't see my dad that often in the past, he still sent me to the best schools in town.
3. My mom is still there to fight for me and take care of me, even if she got all the right to breakdown and abandon me.
4. My grandpa was always there for me, and filled up for my dad. Even if he's in heaven now, I can still feel his presence in my life, still there for me, guiding supporting and protecting me.
5. I was gifted with a good brain, hence I am always on the list of honor students and always one of those favored by our teachers.
6. We got a house over our heads even if it is just a small one.
7. I got my friends who accepted me for who I am and for whatever kind of family I came from.
8. I was able to get through all the sicknesses I had in the past: heart disease that was diagnosed at the age of 2 which miraculously was healed at the age of 12 (without any operation!), dengue fever which was luckily still at the milder stage (but I had to stay at the hospital for 7 days).
9. As I grow up, my half-brothers and half-sister learned to accept me and my mom and are closer to me and mom than their own mom (except for the youngest who is still aloof to me until now).
10. When I had to take the licensure board exam, I passed it at one take, even if honestly, I spent most of my review days dining out alone or with friends, sleeping, chatting with my roomies and on every social networking sites there is.
11. Finding a job is always a breeze for me, I send my resume, they call me for interview as soon as they received my CV, and then a day after my interview, they'd call me for salary negotiation. It has always been like that, hence I always have the best companies on my list to choose from. This is true for me even now that I am in Germany and my German is still that bad, a week after I signed up for the online job agent, I received an e-mail asking me to contact them for a possible job interview.
12. I met and married the greatest man in the world, next to my grandpa and my uncles. I never thought that I'd be loved this way in my entire life.

Now that I learned to turn on the light, I realized that my best friend is right, I got lots of reason to be happy about and stop living in the gloom. I thank her for reminding me to turn on the light and see all the beauty in my life. Happiness is indeed a choice, it is up to us whether we'd forever walk in the darkness or turn on the light that we always forget we always carry in our pockets.

Realizations

At 21, I had my first serious boyfriend. I know for some, I am a late bloomer, but it is all because out of fear from my mom. I grew up with the greatest fear that if I entertain a guy, my mom would throw me out of our door. I honestly had liked a guy at a younger age, but my mom showed me her steel fist, hence I waited until I graduated from the university. However, this guy turned out to be not the right one for me, in short, a nightmare. I threw away my life because of this guy, putting myself and my mom’s life on the edge. I was so blinded, that I was ready to turn my back from my mom. But the 21 years that mom and I shared cannot equate our year-old relationship. Truly, blood is thicker than water. When mom got sick all because of my one year upheaval, I turned my back from love. I told myself it is going to be me and mom until the end of time.

Three years after,  I was determined to reach for my dreams, for me and for my mom alone, and I was determined never to love again. I changed my lifestyle, changed my environment. Everything is going on smoothly, though honestly, I was never happy. I was longing for that love that I know is different from my mom’s love, but I am afraid to love again. Afraid that if I do, I will lose my mom forever, and I am afraid to be alone.

At 25, I closed my heart, but for some reason or another, somebody was able to unlock it. Little by little, he was able to get me out of my comfort zone. He was able to open my life back to the world. He showed my mom that I too, need some love, a love that is different from a parent’s love. Little by little, he was also able to transform my mom. And I could not explain how happy I was that time.

At 27, I am married to a 42-year old guy. I am a proud wife of my husband. He who deserves all the appreciation there is in the world. At 27, I realized how lucky I am to have found a guy as loving and understanding as my man. Though we do have misunderstandings, he never fails on showing me that at the end of the day, I am the only woman he loves and he will love forever. He proved to me that not all guys are the same, that there is one guy meant for me to love and be with for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine my life if I did not meet my husband. I cannot imagine what kind of life I have if I continued on my revolt.

Whatever happened five years ago, I am thankful. If all those nasty things did not come along my way, maybe I am still the same old me, blinded at the wrong love, or worst, maybe I am alone struggling in life. If those painful things did not happen, events that led me to change my life, I just do not know where I might be right now. I am thankful for all the tears that I had to shed in the past, the painful words I had to hear from people, and I am thankful to all the wrong people that hurt me in the past. Because of them, I learned to be strong. Because of them, I learned how to face the world. And because of them, I met the guy that God had created to love me unconditionally.

And I will surely give him back the love that he deserves as long as I live.

Happy Easter!

I'm back! and I was gone for how many days? 5or 6? Anyway, I pampered myself for stress-free days at our province. Though first two days were still stressful, but it was fun! For the second time, I portrayed one important role in our annual Holy Week play. But sadly, I failed this year. Eventhough the result was not to my liking, I did had fun seeing old faces and meeting new faces. Indeed, Teatrong Kumot had been my second family. I missed them. I missed the old times, I missed the people. It seems like decades since we last laughed and shared stories. Some have gone to other countries, but it's heart warming to know that they still do remember us, and did their best to wake (even if it is kinda late at their side) and give us a call and send their good luck. I am not sure, but maybe this is the last year I will be portraying a role, and be with them physically. Soon, I will be like the others, felt only in spirit, for I will also be out of the country soon. Even if it's still a long way ahead, maybe a year away before it happens, I am already missing them. It may be sad for me, and for others I had been so close with, but life goes on. People do come and go. For 10 years, I am the one left behind by people I get to be so close with in the theater, soon, it will be my time to go. But even if I will be miles away from these people I grew up and valued most of my life, they will always be remembered and loved.

Teatro Kumot will always be a family to me.

For photos of our past presentation, click this link:
Album 1

and to know more about our group, visit this link:
Teatrong Kumot