Wir können nicht alle alles

Ein schöner Spruch, was ich aus dem Buch "Geflügelte Wörter" heute gelesen habe. Es ist eine kleine Botschaft für mich, dass es unmöglich ist, alle Dinge zu wissen und zu können, und es ist okay. Es ist okay, weil es normal ist. Klar, es gibt Genie, die viele Dinge beherrschen, aber immerhin, sie können auch nicht behaupten, alles zu wissen und zu können. Es gibt immer Luft nach oben. 

Oft bin ich sehr enttäuscht von mir, wenn ich manche Aufgabe nicht schaffe. Immer wenn es passiert, ich denke, ich sei so blöd und krieche ich an der Ecke und will nicht mehr raus. Es ist enttäuschend, aber es ist falsch von mir, mich als schlecht zu beurteilen. Denn ich bin nicht blöd. Es ist halt nicht meine Stärke, und es ist okay. Ich kann mich immer noch verbessern. Ich kann weiterlernen, weiterentwickeln, bis ich es eines Tages auch kann. Und selbst wenn der Tag kommt, wenn ich es schon kann, ich kann immer noch nicht behaupten, dass ich schon alles kann. Denn da sind immer noch andere Dinge, die ich nicht kann, und für solche Dinge, ich werde immer andere Menschen gebrauchen. Menschen, die diese Dinge wissen und können. Und dieselbe Menschen werden mich auch für die Dinge, die sie nicht wissen und können, gebrauchen. So funktioniert die Welt.

Filipinos Learning German

I posted in my previous article that we have a Facebook group for this purpose. But in this post, I wanted more to motivate my kababayans who are struggling in learning this language.

Because German language is one of the requirements when applying for long-term visa to Germany, a lot of my fellow Filipinos find learning this language difficult or stressful. But my dear kababayans, wag kayong matakot at mawalan ng pag-asa. Pinagdaanan ko din lahat ng pinagdaanan nyo and I am proud to say, medyo bihasa ko na ang lenggwaheng ito. I was even able to land 2 jobs in customer service for German-speaking countries. Kaya kung kinaya ko, alam kong kayang kaya nyo din!

Eto ang mapapayo ko para sa inyo:

• Manood ng mga children's programs. Nung bago ako dito sa Germany, naging habit ko na ang manood ng Sendung mit der Maus. During holidays, lalo Christmas season, may mga fairy tale movies din sa ARD and ZDF, so pinapanood ko din yun. Ngayon na uso ang Netflix at Amazon Prime Video, kung nasa Germany na kayo, try to watch animes and other cartoons AUF DEUTSCH. Mukhang mahirap intindihin sa una, but in due time, you'd be surprised, tatawa na din kayo sa mga scenes.
• Magbasa ng mga blogs, news articles, story books in German. Still a beginner? Then try children's books. Madaming children's books sa Amazon. Medyo asa B1 level na kayo? Check mga teenager books or mga chick lit sa Amazon. They are all easy readings for you.
• Practice speaking. Join groups gaya ng Facebook group namin, at maghanap ng tandem partner among members. Create chat groups with fellow Filipinos learning the language at dun magpractice magsalita. But still, best practice pa din ang makipag-usap with Germans in German. They can help you with the pronunciation pati na din kung ano ang tamang word na gagamitin in every situation. Kalimutan ang hiya, I'm telling you, Germans are very proud and they will love you if they hear na you are exerting effort to learn the language. They will be very happy to help you with your journey in mastering the language.

The only secret in mastering this language is continuous use of it. Hindi mo maaattain ang fluency na gusto mo kung sa loob lang ng classroom mo ito ginagamit.

By the way, I am open in helping you too in learning the language. I used to offer tutorial but due to health reasons, itinigil ko muna eto. Pero kung may demand, baka mag-offer uli ako in the near future. For now, I am open to checking your writings, and to practice speaking in German with you. Just look for me sa FB group (link above).

Where to Find Filipinos in Germany Online

Way back in 2013, I posted about my search for Pinoy bloggers in Germany. It was also the time I started the Pinays in Germany blog. It started na ako lang nagbblog (hence the URL is singular), until I met a few Filipinas sa Facebook group and reunited online with an A1 classmate back in Goethe Institut so I eventually invited them to write with me, kaya naging plural na ang blog title. I also posted in 2013 na I found a local Filipino community near me. Di na ko pumupunta sa community meet ups lalo after ng scoliosis operation ko, medyo anstrengend sa akin ang matagal na nakaupo but the members there are already my family here, lalo yung malapit sa amin nakatira. Naging tita-titahan ko na sya and already part of our extended family in Batangas, kasi from Batangas din sila. So my family back home ay very thankful din sa kanilang mag-asawa for treating me like their own family dito sa Germany.

Anyway, my purpose with this blog post is to update you guys about the Filipino groups I am part of ONLINE. Number one is of course our blog. Here are other Facebook groups I am a member and/or admin:

• Pinay in Deutschland - a group about just anything (I am one of the admins)
• Kusina ng mga Pinays in Deutschland - a group for food blogs and cooking/baking tips (I am one of the admins)
• Study and Work in Germany for Filipinos - a group related to working and studying in Germany (I am one of the admins)
• Wikang Aleman para sa mga Pinay in Deutschland - a group related to learning German language (I am one of the admins)
• Filipino Students, Alumni and Academics in Germany (FSAAG) - a group of Filipino students and alumni, I am not an admin but highly recommended for Filipino students and researchers in Germany

So if you are also a Filipino living in Germany, or planning to move to Germany, you are welcome to join our group/s to meet other Filipinos. I am more active there than in my blogs, so see you there!

I' m Different

There is this trend on Facebook wherein you ask yoir friends to comment on your post the words 'I love you', to see who among your friends love you. I did not participate on that. I participated on the one asking about memorable events or places that I have shared with them, but to tell someone those three words is totally different.

Or maybe I am different.

For me those words are very strong, I can't just run around telling it to everyone. For me, the only people who deserve those words from me are the people who were there during my lowest and darkest hours. I care about all of my friends, but I don't love all of them. I miss them. I worry about them. I cherish them, but I don't feel real love for them. 

I may be cold, but maybe I am just really different.

The same is true for me when it comes to saying 'I am sorry'. Not that it is difficult for me to admit my mistake, but sometimes, I really meant to hurt them because they hurt me. It is like I wanted them to understand how much they hurt me to the point that I don't really care if it would end our friendship. Call it ego, but maybe I am just being true to my feelings.

I am human. I have learned to make my brain and heart work together. Yes, life is short, but I don't really mind if there are only 3 people on my funeral. At least I know those people are real and I know those people are the ones I really love and have said the words 'I love you' and 'I am sorry' to them a thousand times.

Better Than Expected

I posted yesterday that I am quite nervous about my upcoming medical test. Well, that test is to test if my kidneys function well. It wasn't that bad, the doctor was a "sharp shooter" and was able to find a good vein right away for my access. That is always my nightmare whenever I have an upcoming check up, blood test and hospital admission. It is always a torture to find a good vein on my arms or hands, more often than not, it takes 6-7 pricks until they find the vein. Today, was different. My vein tried to hide again as soon as she pricked, but she was able to find it again, so it was just one prick, yey!

What or how did the test went? I still have to wait for one week though for the result, but the procedure was easier than I expected. Because of my deadly allergic reaction to CT-scan dye, I already fear getting inside the nuclear medicine department. It feels like everything there can kill me. Since this test is new to me, I have fears that I am also allergic to whatever substance they would inject me to see my kidneys. I was wrong, it is radioactive (still flushing it out of my system up to this time), but not too radioactive and expected to be completely out of my system tomorrow. There is no dye during the test, just the radioactive substance and afterwards a solution that reanimates the kidney function. Twenty minutes after I got the radioactive substance in my body and taken series of photos of my kidneys and bladder, they took a blood sample to see the amount of the substance still in my blood. Then they injected the other solution that accelerated the kidney function and after 20 minutes, they took another blood sample to compare. I was then told to completely empty my bladder and then I was back in the machine for the final photos which took two minutes more. It was not that bad as I expected (I did not get a proper sleep from fear!), I am not allergic to the radioactive substance (yey!). The waiting time for the result is what killing me now. I am so afraid on what they find on my kidneys. 

Why am I asked to undergo this test? Two weeks ago, I was again hospitalized for same reasons like in December last year: UTI. The doctor was but worried, because compared to last year, I went to the hospital on the second day that my fever went up to 40°C, but still the infection was already in my blood. She then suspected kidney infection so she asked her colleague from internal medicine to perform an ultrasound on my kidneys. There he found it, my left kidney is not completely emptied everytime I urinate. They called it kidney congestion. They then consulted a urologist to check the urinary tract. They wanted to first take MRI scans of my kidney and urinary tract (CT is out of question because of my allergies), but the urologist suggested to skip MRI and take the kidney function test so that we already get a full picture in one test and avoid sending me to different tests and hospitals. So there, that's why I had to undergo the radioactive test and as soon as I got the result, I have to go see the urologist.

I just hope it is nothing serious and it can be treated without undergoing any operation. Ich habe langsam Schnauze voll von OPs.

Quite Nervous

Tomorrow I have another medical test to undergo and am quite nervous. This time it has to do with my left kidney. My family back home doesn't know it, I just told it to my cousin in Qatar and California, but I think, my aunt in California already know as well. But am not worried because she doesn't have any social media account, hence am sure my mom will never know it from her. 

I just hope and pray it isn't serious and can be cured with normal medication 🙏.

Was Bisher Geschah

I just imported all my blog posts from Wordpress back here, back in my old home. I dunno, being in Wordpress was not bad, but I think, here is my home. There are some posts that were not imported, because of formatting maybe, I will repair those posts in the coming days. For now, my personal blogs at Wordpress are no longer visible to the world, because the posts are here anyway.

You might be asking, what have I done in the past years. My official last post here was in 2013 saying I am officially a student. Well my WP posts may help you find the answers where I have been, but they are quite a lot, so here's a summary of what I've done in the past until today:

• 2013 - as I posted before, I was officially a student again. It was for winter semester here, I started attending DSH Vorbereitungskurs, it is a German language course that foreign students need to pass before they can officially attend the actual university program. I passed the DSH exam with DSH 2 grade, just enough to get started in the program of my choice.
• Summer semester of 2014, I had to take a semester leave. Why? I had my scoliosis implant in April 2014. I was in the hospital for like 7 days, the healing took me around 3 months before I got used to the new feeling at my back. My implant is from thoracic down to lumbar (Th4 to L4). I am doing good so far with my scoliosis, quite limited with movement, but no more pain during winter.
• Winter semester of 2014/15, I am back in the university. My average from UST was below the accepted average to start in Master program, plus I am lacking credit points, so yes, I started back in bachelor program. It was not bad at all since the medium of instruction is in German, so I got a chance to learn German words in chemistry and relearn all that I had learned back in UST in German. I also get to train my German technical writing. It's interesting to know too, that here in Germany, we had to finish a seminar about laboratory safety and waste management for like 2 months, then take the exam and pass it. Only those who passed the exam are allowed to enter the laboratory and work. I passed the exam in 1 take. I am proud to say that we are only 3 foreign students who passed it in one take (2 others are Japanese or Vietnamese boy and an Indian girl who grew up in Germany). Those who failed are given a second chance to take the exam and if they still fail, then they have to wait for another year to re-attend the seminar and take the exam again (the seminar is only once a year).
• However, by February 2015, shortly before exam days, I fell sick. It was flu but took me around 2 or 3 weeks before I was back on my feet. Hence, I had to withdraw from all exams, I was not prepared. It means, not moving forward to next lectures if the exam was a pre-requisite. Luckily, the exam for General Chemistry was not a pre-requisite for the next semester, I can attend the next lecture as normal. I then started with laboratory works during semester break (yes! no semester break for me since I took physics lab during the semester and decided to take chemistry lab during semester break).  However, I felt I was not yet 100% fit. I almost collapsed during an experiment. My chinese friend asked me if maybe, I was pregnant. I didn't think about it being possible. I went  to our family doctor and he just advised, I needed a rest. If I drop out of laboratory class, that means waiting another year, general chem laboratory class is a pre-requisite to get into the following semester's laboratory classes (analytical chem lab). It felt like my dreams were shattered. I was so happy being back in chemistry. I am really challenged, esp.my colleagues are young and fresh from Gymnasium,and I had my bachelor diploma 10 years ago. I love challenges. I love the pressure to solve calculus problems as fast as I can before somebody in the class solve it. I enjoy attending lectures and seminars and solve chemistry problems again. Then, I was told I need a rest. I am afraid to change my circle of friends, hence I went to my lab professor and said am dropping out of the program completely. He was sad, asked that maybe I just need another semester break, I said I already had one before WS and I am not getting younger, I cannot wait another year to start all over (I was already 31 that time!). I dropped out of the chemistry program and shifted to German studies with minor in Philosophy and History of Science (I just can't leave science behind!).
• Before the semester break ends, since I already dropped out of chemistry program, we had a vacation at Baltic Sea, in the island of Usedom. It is my husband's birthplace. We spent a week there. And it was also perfect timing that the result for my naturalization came and I renounced my Filipino citizenship the time we were up north (Usedom is around 3 or 4 hours drive to Berlin). Renunciation was the final step before they can release my certificate and grant me my new citizenship. I am officially a German since April 1st 2015.
• Summer semester starts at around April, so I am out of chemistry program already. Another colleague from chemistry also shifted to German studies. Another one I saw in law school. So our original class in chemistry was halved after a semester. Some failed the safety exam hence were forced to drop out earlier, and others were like me, the pressure and workload in chemistry was just too much and decided to take a different path the following semester. My new program was indeed more relaxed. I registered for lecture in modern German literature, introduction to philosophy, seminar for modern German literature, seminar for linguistics, philosophy seminar, latin course and I still have lots of time for my husband. I really enjoyed the program too, since I love reading. The challenge is different, it has nothing to do with numbers anymore, but it challenged me to think, to establish my own thesis/ philosophy. It was interesting and fun!
• June 2015, again just few more weeks to exam days, I fell sick. This time, it was not a normal flu. I was rushed in the hospital for excruciating pain on my left breast. The pain is like being stabbed with a knife, I can feel it till my back. I thought it was my scoliosis implant, that maybe I did something wrong. I remember carrying lots of books back home that I borrowed from the library to work on my review notes for the upcoming exams. It turned out, my aorta dissected and at the same time, an aortic aneurysm is growing. I had an emergency operation then to have a stent implant to close the dissection and stop the growth of the aneurysm. That operation meant giving up university all together, because we found out that it won't be the first of the many operations I have to go through.
• December 2015 I had another operation, again for stent implant. My aorta dissected further, hence they needed to extend the stent, and at the same time I had this "Schaufenster Syndrom", I have difficulty with my legs after standing for some minutes, so they also needed to put a stent at the artery at my right leg.
• February 2016, I had a talk with a geneticist and confirmed, I have Marfan syndrome. And if one mutation is not worse enough, it is a double mutation in my part, making my arteries more fragile than ever. Also early in 2016, after a check on my stent, my doc advised us to seek advice of RWTH Aachen Vascular Director regarding the repair of my aortic aneurysm.
• December 2016 we finally got an appointment at RWTH Aachen and the director and contact person for Marfan syndrome told me, that we need to repair the aneurysm as soon as possible. He gave us this prognosis: if not repaired, 80% chance that the aneurysm will burst in next 2 years and I only have 20 Minutes to get me in emergency operation (and from where we live, the hospital could never perform an emergency aortic aneurysm operation, I need to be flown and that means 30minutes travel time, hence, it would then be too late if it bursts), 20% that I will live more than 2 years with aneurysm. But if I get a planned operation, the chances can be reversed, i.e. 80% chances of living a longer life. That's why we chose to set an appointment for the next big operation.
• May 2017 was my planned TAAA repair operation. My aorta was replaced/ repaired and all arteries going to all internal organs and spine are repaired and sown. Imagine a tree and you decided to crochet around the main trunk and the branches. That was how the repair was done. And yes, my body gave up after 12 hours of operation. I did not wake up at the expected time. Then my lungs started to collapse. The doctors needed to put me in artificial coma. I was in coma for almost a month. My husband said, the doctors were giving up, the machine was the only thing that keeps me alive. They said, if I wake up, I am totally paralyzed and with complete memory loss. They scanned my brain and they are not happy with what they saw. They were asking for my husband's decision, my husband said to give me another week. I can remember waking up in June with no voice and very thirsty. I was on ventilator. I cannot move my body, not even my fingers. But I can remember that I was scheduled for operation, my only question upon waking up was, why does the calendar says "June 7". Then I saw my husband crying at my side, because I smiled at him. He said, my smile was a sign that I did not lose my memory. Doctors and nurses said I was a miracle. And I believe them.
• August 2017 I was released from the RWTH Aachen but I have to spend months in a rehabilitation clinic. Because I was in artificial coma for quite a while, I could not walk without a walker. I also fell in the hospital twice, despite walker, my knees just stop to cooperate suddenly. I stayed in rehabilitation clinic until November 2017.
• December 2018 we flew for vacation in the Philippines and I spent 3 months with my family again. After what happened to me in 2017, we thought it was good to see my family again, who I thought I would never see again.
• Also in December 2018 I started to work fulltime again, but from home. First client, I stayed for only about 4 months, the stress was too much.
• November 2019 I found another fulltime job but I had to quit early this year again, because I was again hospitalized in December (I had to spend my birthday and Christmas in the hospital!) due to sepsis and after that, I felt not really back 100%, hence I resigned in February 2020.
• March onwards, we all have same battle to face: CoViD-19. I stay at home most of the time because I am very prone to get it. After all that happened in 2017, my immune system is very weak.

That's what I have been through all these years. I am still battling with my health. There are days I can walk without walker, but there are moments I still need my walker, or at least a walking stick (but I prefer Nordic walking sticks because I have problem with balance). I still get tired easily. Life is totally not the same anymore like how it was before. I have to give up lots of my dreams. But then, my motto on this blog is "Life is beautiful", hence I am trying to fight the monster (I get depressive at times) each day and see the positive side on why I am still here, why am I given a second life. It is not easy. But then, don't all of us has cross to carry? Mine is my health. And I am slowly accepting it.

Wie Peinlich!

I backread all my posts from 2007 here, and all I can say is "wie peinlich!" or in Tagalog "nakakahiya!" I got lots of grammatical errors and I realized, at the age of 24, my articles are too childish!

Not that I have changed alot, am still childish and my grammar is still not perfect, but I guess, now I think more before I share anything online. However, it also means lesser posts because I tend not to overshare my life anymore.