Life Goes On

This morning, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. As in, I was still trembling and my heart's palpitation was too much for me to handle. My dream was about this guy I have been avoiding for days now. I am avoiding him not because I don't like him, in fact, I used to like him (yeah, USED to...), but when things started to change, I started to move away... He no longer is the same guy I used to hang out with, a lot of things changed in him... His outlook in life and his attitude towards other people, most especially to me. I am not demanding him to give me utmost attention, but the reverse, I want his distance... For weeks, I started to be afraid of him, of what he could possibly do, that I sought help from a friend to overcome my fear of him, and be able to move like before. She did, she helped me by showing support and that she'll protect me from whatever he might be capable of doing, but then, he grew more aggressive and suddenly got mad at me for simply me not doing wh...

Another work week is so difficult to begin. After two days of vacation, plus a day of fun (anyway, was it fun?!?) with all of the company's employees, then you have to report for work the following day... It is indeed soooo difficult. I cannot push myself to have a very productive Tuesday. All I try to do is starting to be a mess... My mind's travelling far and I can't help myself not to yawn. I still want to stay at home and surf the net... OR stay at Kuya Ed's wake and spend with him his last 3 days at his house, (yes, the interment is scheduled on Thursday or Friday, I am not sure as well)... And what's so bad about me, I haven't visited his wake yet, though I was aware of his leaving since Sunday. Now, I am feeling so guilty, blogging about his goodness, yet I haven't given a respect yet on his remains. In fact, I am planning not to render an overtime today, for two main reasons: I'M BORED, and I WANNA VISIT KUYA ED... Hope I could do that today....

I haven't seen Kuya Ed for almost half a year now...Well, honestly, I can't remember the time I last saw him passing by and calling my mom, "FHEL!!!"... And now, I guess, seeing him would take longer than a decade for me... He passed away last night while having fun with some friends at a wedding shower somewhere down our street... As per my ninang's story, he was so happy last night seeing my ninang, his good friend whom he haven't seeen for quite sometime due to work and a sudden change of residence for my ninang... Ninang said, they were so happy, laughing around, and dancing... But they parted ways earlier, coz ninang and some of her friends and some of my tita's have to visit my tito in the hospital as well... But while at the hospital, somebody called my tita and said, " Kapitana, balik kayo dito, natumba si Ed, masama pakiramdam (Captain, come back here, Ed fell down and not in good condition)"..My tita, thinking it's just brought abou...

Today, I planned to look at the brighter side of life, despite all the not-so-great things that is happening around me right now. I have decided that from now on, I will be blogging more about great things and minimize (not totally avoiding it) blabbing about failures and frustrating events that happens each day. Let me start about what went on yesterday... I was early, yey! After a month, I was able to catch the shuttle service at Lipa City, though we were caught by the traffic and arrived 10 minutes before the time, still, I managed not to take the public transportation on my first working day. Then, my uncle was not admitted in the hospital, thank God, he is suffering from asthma, that's all, but no need for a hospital admission, according to his doctor... Today, though, I woke up just in time, but I was left by the shuttle service. I already knew ahead that I won't be able to catch the last bus, so I extended my PUB destination another 4 km or more... What's the b...

this is it... i now accept that writing is not for me... i took the risk of venturing on this as a career.. tried a lot of writing websites and sent them my sample works... but none of them returned any reply to me... none was satisfied with my works... i guess, they were right... writing is not for me... i could never ever be a writer no matter how i tried to be one... and now, i'm back... back to that time when i don't know what i want in life... what i want to be...i'm tired with my current job... but where should i go now? i don't know.. and i no longer know what is in store for me... what future lies ahead for me...

I had a few words with my professor few days ago...She asked me how I'm doing and where on earth am I right now. I told her I am currently working as an engineer in a manufacturing company where REAL engineers dominates me. I told her the truth that I am really having a hard time here, trying to fit in and doing my best to excel, but it seems like my heart does not belong here, it seems like I am not destined to be here... Or was I actually destined to be here that's why I cannot find a replacement job? Sigh! I wish I am not destined here!> Going back, she asked me what made me think this way. Why I am like this when in fact, when I was in college, I was the one who was consistently doing good and focused, how come that when I was already working, things suddenly became so dark for me. I could not answer her, for I myself asks those things to myself. What happened to me? What happened to the "CY" they once knew, the one who loved Chemistry so much was determined to...

When I was a kid, I was the only kid in the house, so my mom and aunts would give me a pen and paper to keep me busy and stop bugging them... I thought my family will continuously support me with my want of holding pen and paper. But when I was in high school, my mom asked me to quit writing, to forget about anything about writing... I was hurt... It seems like my world was shattered... Writing has always been part of me... Writing has always been my way of life, and they would suddenly ask me to quit it and to never pursue it as my chosen career... I was asked to take on a career I never really envisioned myself doing... I was forced to love a life that was totally new to me... A career path that I am not sure what lies ahead... But despite everything, I remained rooted to what I really want... I continued writing hidden in shadows... I wrote without letting my family know... It was so frustrating for me that my own family does not care about what I want to achieve... I feel so alone....