Life Goes On

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I am in that mood again when I just want to be gone. Everything and everyone around me just nerves me the last time. I wanted to be in a place far, far away from my family. A place where no one knows me. I just need a place to work that would be enough for me to buy my food and my maintenance medication. But where can I go? Who can offer me a job with all my health issues? I am damned. I am stuck in this life for the rest of my life. I need to learn the art of "not giving a damn", of not caring at all, of just doing my personal routine and dismiss everyone else. I sometimes wonder why did I wake up from my coma? Why didn't I just die that day, when my daily life is just going to be this hell. This is tiring. People say they understand me. But no, they are wrong. Nobody can really understand how I feel, how dark is it inside of me. This is not the life I wished to live.

trying to learn the art of speaking without words, feeling without emotion, to understand the world without any explanation. but i'm failing and time is running. soon i'm gone and i still didn't find the answer to my question what life is.

Lately, I have read an anonymous letter in a forum of Filipinas married with another nationality and she has issues on infidelity of her husband. She's pregnant so she thought it is partly her fault why her husband is in search of another woman, because he has sexual needs that she can't satisfy. I felt sad and angry on how she argumented to "justify" her husband's infidelity, because she partly said she's okay with it, because she can't satisfy him as long as the baby is still in her. I was in almost the same situation. Four years ago, I was diagnosed with thoracic aneurysm and aortic dissection, and it is due to a genetic disease I never knew I have. I was devastated, depressed, because I was a ticking bomb. I told my husband, if he meets somebody else, I would understand, at least I know he is taken cared of in case I pass away. I kept on telling him that for two long years until my biggest operation in 2017 to close the aneurysm. On the day before my ...

Hi everyone! I am back! Well, might not be for long, but I just missed this blog. I started backreading my old posts and it feels like I have traveled through time. A lot of things happened in five years that I am away from here. I have posted some on my Wordpress blogs ( Pinays in Germany and Träume und Realität ). However, there are still missing events in those blogs. It has been a roller coaster ride the past years and when I say roller coaster, it is the scariest roller coaster I rode. Honestly, I am not sure if I am really already off from this roller coaster or I am just at the part that is preparing me for another scary loop. And I am afraid. I don't know if I can survive the next loops. I honestly miss writing, but I just can't find the right words to blog more often just like the old days. I wish this will be the start...

It's been a while since I was here. From now on, I will try to get this blog active once again. I just hope, I get the inspiration and motivation in the coming days. Thank you for being patient and staying there despite the inactivity on this site.