Inconsistency

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko sa totoo lang. Napaka-inconsistent ng productivity ko. I think last week yung feeling na I can write anything and everything, I was able to submit two poems sa two separate poetry contest dito sa Germany, yung isa approved na for publication, yung isa on review pa din. Tapos this week wala akong gustong gawin kundi matulog. Pati magtrabaho tamad na tamad ako. Thanks to some beta tests at least nakapagwork ako ng konti for this week. Imagine, Friday na bukas peri ang haba pa din ng nasa weekly to-do list ko.

Haaay... Ever since I was diagnosed with aortic disease nung 2015, ganito na ko, ang tamad tamad ko ng mabuhay. Puro tulog na lang ako. Masaya na ko kapaga nakapaglaba at nakapagvacuum ako ng bahay in a week, isang himala na pag ako ang nagluto ng lunch at dinner namin.

I want to be back to my old self. I want to be more productive again. Kaso paano?!?!

I Live to Inspire

 For quite a while now, especially whenever depression gets the control over me, I have been asking the universe, why am I still here? Why did I wake up again after that almost a month of slumber after my operation in 2017? Why do I still live, if living means being not able to do stuff I used to do before? It has always been my question since I woke up from coma in 2017. My therapists and nurses all kept on telling me, "you are still here because you have a mission." But what is that? I can't seem to find the reason no matter how hard I search...

Until today when I had a chat with a distant relative in Australia in connection to my Facebook post last Thursday. 

Last Thursday was literally Throwback Thursday for me. I was cleaning my external hard drive and saw photos from 2017 that didn't make it online. Photos after I woke up. Because I was still chained to lots of cables and was wearing hospital dress, I opted not to share it before. One, to not shock my family further because they had enough shock the moment I didn't wake up after the operation and two, I felt so ugly there. But last Thursday was different. In my mind, I said "so what if I am ugly on these pictures, I wanted them to see how I fought the battle." I kept on posting about my sickness, but I am not sure if they really know how the battle really looked like. So just to give people an idea what and how I looked like, I posted the 3 photos I had. It was for me just some sort of reminiscing, and thanking all my prayer warriors around the world because of them, the One Above gave me another life. It was literally "just another Facebook post" for me. 

Little did I know, it was more for somebody I know dearly.

Ate is currently facing her own battles. She did not mention what it is, but she has been doubting herself and her strength and the grace of the Lord. She has a son and he's still small, hence all these anxieties. She said, in the middle of her anxiety attack, my post showed up on her timeline as the first one. Then she pulled herself back and determined to fight. She told herself, "Cy did it. She has been battling a lot since a little girl and she continues to win each fight. So what do I have for an excuse to give up now? If she made it, so can I." She told me that I am a living testimony of how vast God's love is for us, that even the impossible can still be possible in God's grace.

Her words opened my mind why I am still here. 

I am here to continue to inspire. There are a lot out there who are at the verge of giving up. And the reason why I am given a second life is to remind these people that God's grace is endless. That God answers prayers. That nothing is impossible to Him if we only fervently pray. That we should not doubt Him. He is there. We may not feel His presence, but He is at work.

Hence, from now on, I can also easily fight my depression by telling myself, 

I am here to fight until the end. I will not just sit and let the enemy destroy me. I will make sure I am giving it a good fight. I'd rather die in the battlefield fighting until the end, until my last breath. 

And you who's reading this, should think the same way too! Life is beautiful! :)  

Quite Nervous

Tomorrow I have another medical test to undergo and am quite nervous. This time it has to do with my left kidney. My family back home doesn't know it, I just told it to my cousin in Qatar and California, but I think, my aunt in California already know as well. But am not worried because she doesn't have any social media account, hence am sure my mom will never know it from her. 

I just hope and pray it isn't serious and can be cured with normal medication 🙏.

Gloom

Words are gone,
Feelings I'm not sure.
World's all grey,
Sand full of snow.

Life Lessons

Today I feel grateful for the teachings my family and my school taught me. They shaped me to a person I am right now. My mom had always told me as a kid, that not because we have more food on the table and that I go to a private school, means we are rich. Surely, we are blessed, but what matters the most is my character as a person. So she taught me to choose friends who will accept me for who I am and not for what I have. As a kid, she let me play outside with our neighbors' kids and my cousins. We would run around, roll down the hill, play hide and seek, get mud on our faces. This way, my family taught us that we are equal. That none in our village is richer nor poorer. We are all rich because the whole place belongs to us. The vast field is not my uncle's field, but our field where we sit under the mango tree to eat its fruits, and fly our kites or play tag. (We just need to make sure his cows remain within the fences.) I was taught that money is not everything. That happiness does not depend on how much we have but how many friends we have. I was also taught that money does not grow on trees, one needs to work hard for it. So on schooldays I need to learn a lot and aim for high grades so I would be rewarded a wish. On school breaks, I learned to sell ice candies (flavored ice water), offer summer tutorials or babysitting so that I have few coins to buy something from the Sunday flea market. This way, I grew up being contented on what I have. Sure there are wants, especially during teenager days, but I learned since a kid that one can also be happy without these stuff.

At school we always have outreach programs where we spend a day with less-fortunate kids in our city. Through this program, I became sensitive to the needs of others. I learned not to want more, because I became aware that poverty is real. I learned to always thank the One Above for the blessings He bestow my family. It may not be much, but more than enough for us to survive each day and to cover our basic needs. My mind was opened to the fact though that we may be blessed by now but we are not sure of the future, hence it is important to learn how to save as well. Because of that, I learned to say no on wants and justify the immediate needs.

All these made me into a person I am now. My family taught me equality. They taught me to never judge other people's past nor their present because each person has his own daily battle. It is important to show respect so we would also be respected in return. My school taught me to always be grateful. I may only have few friends, but I am sure they are those who accepted me for who I am, for what I have and from what family I came from and I do not need more. They are enough and I am grateful to have found them in this lifetime.

Spring Feels

It feels so good to be surprised with these beautiful flowers. It makes me feel more thankful that I am able to experience another spring and eventually another summer.

Thankful for my husband who did not give up on me. Because of him, I am able to live more years and experience more seasons!

Unfinished Business

My fight against Marfan Syndrome continues. I had my open surgery last May, wherein my aorta in the tummy region was fixed with prosthetics to remove the aneurysm. The prosthetics run from my lower rib till just above my thigh. It left me a really big scar which would forever remind me of the battle I had been. But it was not just the scar that made this memorable. The operation was really complicated and I had hemmorrhage during the operation. It was comparable to slight stroke and if it was not bad enough, I also had pneumonia and some other internal organ problems. I was in coma for almost a month. My family and friends already readied themselves for the worst. It was difficult and based on their stories, they slowly lose their hope the longer I sleep. But I survived. I woke up after around 3 weeks and 4 days but without any memory. I saw my husband beside me crying but I did not reognize him, I was just staring at him and wondering who he is and why he's crying. After a week, he brought photos of us and put it on top of my table and the memories started to come back. I recognized him from our photo and I gave him a smile. He held my hand and began to cry once again. There were lots of questions after my memory was back. Why does the date says 7th of June? My operation was on 10th of May, what happened in between? I thought they were playing a joke with me. It was two weeks after when they, the nurses and my husband, got the courage to tell me what happened during the operation. I was shocked to learn the story myself and at the same time grateful that I have survived it all. My husband thanked me almost everyday that I did not give up, that I came back. And I reassure him everyday that I did that for him, that the reason I am still here is because I still want to create new memories with him. That there are dreams and plans we have talked in the past that I want to reach with him. And what happened just made our love for each other to grow bigger and we start to appreciate each other more. (Oh, how lucky am I to be his wife!)

But I guess there is a bigger thing that God wants me to accomplish. It is still unknown for now, but I am sure there is a bigger project for me in this lifetime. And I guess that mission has started because the hospital called and asked if they can use my case in one of the medicine lectures in the university, they will use the information on my symptoms as a Marfan patient, how to detect one, and what are the medical procedures I had to go through. That is definitely my first mission, to help the Marfan Syndrome research group and the future doctors and surgeons and to save further lives in the future.

My fight is not yet finished, I am still undergoing neurologic rehabilitation in order to be able to move around without any help again. I have been through a lot and I will keep on fighting despite the pain and even if it will take longer time, I will never give up no matter what. I will triumph over this rare disease. I will create beautiful memories with my husband, my family and friends. I will continue touching lives of strangers through Pinays in Germany blog and Facebook page and groups I am in so that when my time comes, a lot of people will remember me as "Anne, the selfless one."

What I learned from Hape Kerkeling

"Ich bin dann mal weg" is for me one of the best books in this modern times. Honestly, I haven't read the book yet but I have seen the film. And it made me look forward to reading the book. But I just need to post it as soon as possible about how it affected me. It moved me in thousand ways. As you may have known, I am sick and each second of my life feels like my last. Unlike other terminal illness wherein you know how much time you still have here on earth, I don't know mine. This is aneurysm, and it is eating up my rational thinking. It pulls me down to the darkness of depression... but that film pulled me up! I now try to live up to the philosophy that was mentioned in the film: we all have our own Camino de Santiago. From the film, I have learned that we are all pilgrims of different art. The Way of St. James is not just one, we all tread our own pilgrim's path and it is called LIFE. It is up to us how to make this pilgrimage a memorable one, for me and for the people I meet along the way and share the journey with.

My Chaotic Mind: My Blog Comeback Story

Funny that I deleted my personal blog last year (cywussow.wordpress.com) out of frustration and depression. By the time that my health went down really fast, that I had to give up my studies and spend most of my days in the hospital, I thought "this is the end, I have to slowly shut down my cyberlife so that husband doesn't have anything to worry when I am gone." And so I started deleting Facebook accounts, WordPress and Tumblr blogs, LinkedIn account and multiple email addresses. I already accepted my fate, I already gave up. The only accounts that remained were my email address linked to my university email, the group blog for Filipinos living/ wanting to live in Germany and my Twitter. But my husband is the most optimistic person I've ever met. Without him, I may have succumbed completely to depression, if not because of my rare disease. He told me to continue fighting, and that I should not give up because he is never going to give up. Honestly, I challenged him for divorce because I don't want to be a burden for him, but he didn't accept it and reminded me of our wedding vow: "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer...". He is indeed the greatest gift I have ever had in my life.

And now, here I am, creating a brand new online journal. At first I thought of this as an awareness blog for Marfan Syndrome,  but then I realized that there are already multiple support groups here in Germany, and even if I target fellow Filipinos, my goal will remain unreachable because I am thousands of kilometers away from Philippines, and I honestly no longer have contact with my cardiologist uncles to help me start an organization. After my last post about lists of Marfan Foundations and hospitals, I was left with the question "what now?". So I did a little editing on this blog, changed the blog title, converted the About page to a blog post, edited category names, a little changes on header and voila! It is again a blog that speaks about just everything in my short life. The new blog title is the rebirth of my first-ever-now-gone-Blogspot blog. Funny that after all the multiple blog trials I did since 2005 (blogged with multiple accounts in Blogspot, Tumblr, Weebly, and WordPress), I would end up with the (almost) similar blog title of my first blog. The URL though is brand new because my past URLs are already gone for good. That said, I admit, I have really a chaotic mind, I can't just stay satisfied with one thing (except in relationship, that's the only time I settle for one for the rest of my life), and I can't blame you if you were my followers before and you no longer want to follow now because I might delete this again in the future. That might be true, I can't assure you that this is really the last one. My mind is in chaos because there are a lot of things I want to accomplish before my time is up. There are thoughts that keep on swirling and I just want them put into words in any way possible.

So let me just be me in this small world of mine in the cyberworld.

Why Me?

Note: I will be posting in Taglish (Tagalog-English) because I really want to pour my emotions out.

Kahit na puno ng positivity ang last post ko, at puno ng hope ang bawat tulang sinulat ko, aaminin ko, mas madami ang depression moments ko mula nang malaman kong may aneurysm ako. First, andun yung takot ko noon, takot na hindi ko malalampasan yung operasyon, takot na yun na ang katapusan. Ang dami kong luhang iniiyak, kasi hindi pa ako handa. Hindi ako handang iwanan ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Aaminin ko, ilang beses, at hanggang ngayon, paulit ulit kong tinatanong, "bakit ako?". Why me, of all people in the world. I know I am not the nicest person on earth, pero hindi din naman siguro ako ang pinakamakasalanan. After nung first operation ko, labas-masok ako sa hospital dahil sa complications, at promise, sumuko na ko. Ayoko na, hirap na hirap na ako sa sakit, sa hindi maipaliwanag ng agham na pinagmumulan ng lahat nung sakit. Okay ang CT-scans, pero laging may masakit. Tatlong araw lang ang itinatagal ko lagi sa bahay, ambulansya na ang naging sasakyan ko, kulang na lang yung hospital address na ang ipalagay ko sa federal ID ko. Itinatanong ko sa asawa ko, bakit ako, kasi baka may maisasagot sya, gaya ng mga panahong inaaral ko ang history ng Germany at ng Europe, may handang sagot sya lagi, pero wala syang naibigay na sagot, at ang sakit para sa aming dalawa. Para sa akin kasi di ko alam anong mangyayari bukas or sa makalawa. Para sa kanya kasi nakikita nya akong walang gana sa kahit anong bagay, laging depressed, laging nasa kwarto, tulala sa kisame. Hinahatak nya ako laging maglakad lakad, para may iba akong maisip, binibili nya lahat ng matripan ko, kesehodang pambata man yun. Andyan yung bumili ng PS4 at kung ano anong laro para maaliw daw ako pag nasa work sya. Kumpleto ko na ang coloring books ni Millie Marrota, yung kay Johanna Basford kulang lang ako ng isa, at kung ano anong coloring books pa ng iba't ibang publishing house, may 19 na ata etong coloring books sa shelf ko. Pag napapadpad kami sa bookstore, minimum 3 books lagi ang bitbit ko pauwi, kahit halos wala akong nababasa sa kanila, napupuno lang yung shelf ko, hindi naman nabubuklat. Pero hindi sya tumitigil, basta daw makakabawas sa depression ko, hindi sya magdadalawang isip bilihin. I am the luckiest girl alive kung asawa ang pagbabasehan. He is always there at my side, and takes really good care of me. Pero may araw talaga na feeling ko ako na ang pinakamalas na tao sa mundo. Ang sakit talaga tanggapin na ako ang may karamdaman na ganito. But ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? Embryo pa lang ako andito na sya, sooner or later talagang lalabas at lalabas ang symptoms. All I can do is to accept my fate, fight the negative thoughts and try to look forward. Ang hirap, pero kelangan kong gawin. Nagpaplano ako for days ahead of me, months, even years, kahit na walang kasiguruhan kung ilang araw, buwan o taon pa ang nalalabi para sa akin. I continue to write my plans and dreams, because those things makes me feel more optimistic, it gives me a tinge of hope to hold on and continue the fight.

Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko dito, laban lang ng laban, walang sukuan!

Me and Marfan Syndrome

First of all, I wanted you to understand what is Marfan syndrome. I would just like to quote completely the definition from Marfan Organisation website:

Marfan syndrome is a genetic disorder that affects our body's connective tissues. Connective tissue holds all the body’s cells, organs and tissue together. It also plays an important role in helping the body grow and develop properly.

Connective tissue is made up of proteins. The protein that plays a role in Marfan syndrome is called fibrillin-1. Marfan syndrome is caused by a defect (or mutation) in the gene that tells the body how to make fibrillin-1. This mutation results in an increase in a protein called transforming growth factor beta, or TGF-β. The increase in TGF-β causes problems in connective tissues throughout the body, which in turn creates the features and medical problems associated with Marfan syndrome and some related disorders.

Because connective tissue is found throughout the body, Marfan syndrome can affect many different parts of the body, as well. Features of the disorder are most often found in the heart, blood vessels, bones, joints, and eyes. Some Marfan features – for example, aortic enlargement (expansion of the main blood vessel that carries blood away from the heart to the rest of the body) – can be life-threatening. The lungs, skin and nervous system may also be affected. Marfan syndrome does not affect intelligence.

Physically, one can detect a Marfanoid through the following signs:

• Long arms, legs and fingers


• Tall and thin body type


• Curved spine


• Chest sinks in or sticks out


• Flexible joints


• Flat feet


• Crowded teeth


• Stretch marks on the skin that are not related to weight gain or loss

Harder-to-detect signs of Marfan syndrome include heart problems, especially those related to the aorta, the large blood vessel that carries blood away from the heart to the rest of the body. Other signs can include sudden lung collapse and eye problems, including severe nearsightedness, dislocated lens, detached retina, early glaucoma, and early cataracts. Special tests are often needed to detect these features.

(Source: www.marfan.org/about/signs)

And yes, I have most signs in me. I am taller than common Filipinas, even way back my childhood. I was 2 years old when they found out I have a heart problem, one of my ventricles does not function well, but I was 13 years of age when they said my heart is again fine. I was 9 years old when my mom found the unusual curvature of my spine and had to wear orthopaedic braces until I was 16 years of age, but the scoliosis is sadly not corrected. As I came here in Germany, my scoliosis gave me difficult days, especially in winter, that led us to have it check and eventually get operated. I was operated last April 2014 from the upper part down to the lower part of my spine. I sometimes call myself a robot, because I could no longer turn just half of my body, if I have to check what's behind me or at the side, I have to turn my whole body around. I did have crowded teeth too, which was corrected by wearing braces as well, I had my braces removed though before my marriage, and now, they are starting to get crowded again. My husband finds it "amusing" too that I can bend my thumb backwards, until we got the gene test result and found this no longer amusing.

What led us to learning about Marfan syndrome was a devastating event in our lives. June 19, 2015, I was attending the university here in Germany, and I thought the pain one day was only caused by my whole day classes and the books I borrowed from the library, and I thought it was just one of those typical pain due to my scoliosis operation, because it was just a year and 2 months after the operation, and the regrowth of bone could have caused it. I logged out of my Skype session with my mom and laid in bed. Weekend went by with the same level of pain, that my husband had to do the grocery alone. I even cried and said I don't want to die, yet. That was the cue for my husband that the pain was unbearable. He told me not to go to the university next day, June 22, and we have to visit our general practitioner. Our GP gave us immediate advice to go to the hospital, but since I was still on my pyjamas and doesn't have any clothing nor toiletries ready, we went back home. I was admitted the next day, they did X-ray because they also thought of my scoliosis first and foremost. June 24 came the head doctor of internal medicine. She asked me where the pain starts and up to where it radiates. She asked me to have pregnancy test as well, because it could also be heart burn, but it went negative. She checked the X-ray once again and there, she started to get suspicious.

"Mrs. W, could it be that you have Marfan syndrome?"

"What is it? I don't know about it."

"Can you please bend your fingers, try to reach your wrist. How tall are your parents?"

I did what she said and told her the estimated height of my parents, being smaller than I am.

"Please go back to the ultrasound room, I will be there with you in a minute, I just need to show this to my boss."

I went down, and also the same time my husband came. She came to me and told me she has to do the ultrasound of my stomach, since the 2D-echo showed a normal heart, they did saw something unusual in the X-ray photo. And there it was. She called the head doctor of cardiology.

"What is it, Dr. Binder?"

"Let's wait for Dr. Weiss."

Dr. Weiss came and had it measured.

"6 cm. Call the CT-Scan section and get her first in."

Dr. Binder asked me to wait for a while at the waiting room while she gets needle to prepare me for CT-scan. My husband asked her what is going on.

"We found a dissection at her aorta, or what you call aneurysm and it is 6cm in diameter. We have to check via CT how long the dissection is."

"Is it really serious?" My husband said.

"If it gets hectic, then it is serious."

She accompanied us until CT. After my CT, the nurse said Dr. Binder adviced that we wait at the waiting room again, while she and Dr. Weiss and the chief doctor review everything. And then came the head nurse of the station I am in... with my bed.

"Mrs. W., please lie down, you are no longer allowed to move too much and also nothing to eat. We will transfer you to the intensive station."

All I can remember were the eyes from other patients in the waiting room, and me crying and my husband in panic, in panic that he even forgot my toiletries in the toilet when he picked up my stuff from the room I was in. All doctors and nurses were on telephone, searching the next big hospital who can accomodate me and do the surgery. They gave me valium to appease me. I was allowed only one more glass of water and then that's it, my food was only the infusion. Out of 3 hospitals with specialists in vascular diseases, only one had the capacity and the way is not easy  (it is not advisable for me to move out of fear that my aorta would explode), so they decided to get a helicopter instead. I was transferred to Bad Neustadt an der Saale heart center on June 26 morning. In the afternoon, 6 doctors were on my bed side, the chief doctor, the head doctor at the station, the head surgeon, their assistants and the anesthesiologist. There was no time to explain thoroughly the procedure, no time to explain the side effects of the narcotics, we were in a difficult battle against time. The only deciding factor that helped me to sign the waiver were the words of the head surgeon: there's no time, you could be dead if we delay this operation. That was all I can remember on that day. I woke up vomiting from narcotics at around 10 in the evening. The assistant surgeon was still there, on telephone with my husband. He saw me woke up and just told me one sentence before he came back to my husband on the phone: the operation was a success. You are now out of danger.

That was the time we decided, I really need to get a gene test, to know what this really is. If it is really Marfan, or any other fibrillin mutation. But due to complications and another operation done to me (from June to December last year, I was only 1 month or 2 at home, 3 hospitals became my home), I had my gene test just early this year. Just today, we were again at my geneticist and we have the result of the gene test... And yes, I am a Marfanoid. And yes, I do have the other fibrillin mutation as well. This double mutation makes it more complicated for me, especially for my cardiovascular system.

Let me leave you this advice for today: If you have the physical signs, get checked. Heart is not just any organ, when it malfunctions, it is life-threatening. Do not wait for the day that you have to go through the same devastating event I had. Let’s start a healthy living. Marfanoids can live up to old age, if you will be detected earlier and take better care of your heart.

Life is Short

I used to live
My life as if
I'm gonna stay forever;
No plans, no goals,
No clear future.
A happy-go-lucky girl
A one-day-millionaire
Until it hit me one day
That forever's a lie,
For one day, I will die.
Fear took over,
And I started to dream,
Asked a lot of what-if's
And started to live my dream.
Days seem too short,
And found myself on knees,
Begging the One Above,
To grant me at least ten more years.

A Merry Beardy Day

It's okay to be different,
We are uniquely created anyway;
It's okay to be crazy,
And be happy and gay;
Life isn't about being perfect,
It is about enjoying each day.

Leave The Past To Memories

I tried to trace all my blogs in other blog site providers and I realized that I got LOTS of blogs forgotten in time. I planned to export the contents of these blogs and move them all here, but when I read them today, I realized, they just don't fit here. It's like, those were thoughts I had and were specially made for these sites and not here. Hence, I decided to leave them published on the sites they are now and visit them from time to time.

Just like in life. There are those events in the past that we usually wish to happen again. But if we look closely on where we are now, we see that it's just impossible to bring the past into the present. Not that they are ugly memories, but simply because they just no longer fit in. Hence, it is best to just leave them all in memories and visit them every once in a while.

Awakened

Yesterday, we had a small accident. We are not sure if it has to do with the slippery road due to a sudden change with the weather plus it was raining ice or because of our damp filter because, honestly, our car is already quite old. Thank God that nothing totally bad happened to us, only bruises on my legs because of the shopping bag that I was holding at that moment. Because as the woman driving behind us and witnessed everything, it was surprising that we're okay, because from outside, it was a very bad one. Imagine that our car swiveled to the right and we rolled on our side, our plate number was thrown out and the right side mirror was totally broken. We are so thankful for these angels along the road who helped us out yesterday.

Through this situation, I was awakened. I realized that life can really be too short, you never really know what might happen. We had our car freshly checked last Friday by our mechanic, and still, we had that accident. It is really important to always say thank you and I love you to the people around you. Only the One Above knows until when will you be with these people.

I am so thankful for this new chance of life given to us.

Anyway, to everyone reading my blog, always keep safe, especially if you are driving, especially during this winter season. God bless us always!

Reflections

I remember when I was still working at the call center, I was the bitterest person ever in our account. I was fresh from break up and I cannot accept the fact that he ditched me for another woman. One idle shift, I had a heart to heart talk with my team mate and told me one sound advice, which I ignored and laughed at. She did not directly tell me that advice, rather, she told me her own story.

She is happily married with two young boys, and her husband was not her first boyfriend as well. She was also devastated the time she broke up with her first boyfriend, but when she met her husband, everything changed. One time, she crossed paths again with her first boyfriend, and the first thing she told herself, "thank God, I did not marry this guy." I laughed at her and told her she was mean. She then told me these words, "believe me, my dear. When you finally meet your Mr. Right, when your Prince Charming finally finds his way, you'd utter the same words when you see your ex again." I did not believe her and even told her that would be totally impossible. Her final words were, "you only say that now because you're still hurt, you still hold on to a false hope that he'll be back. He won't because he's not the right guy destined for you. You are one of the sweetest person I have met and there's no other explanation acceptable why he did this to you. Believe me, and when you find the man for you, you'd remember this moment and you'd remember me and tell yourself that I am right."

Today, as I write this blog directly from Germany, I remember my dear team mate and friend back in the Philippines. She is absolutely right in every ways. Though I haven't been to the same situation she was, but merely seeing my ex's photo in Facebook makes me sick and wonder why I wasted so many years crying over this guy. I regret those years I lived in anger, pain and devastation, when all those years I could have spent more with my family and real friends. The Philippines saying that regret comes always at the end is totally true.

I am glad I opened my eyes to the reality and turned back to God. Truly, with His help, one would never lose his way. No matter how impossible it is, He makes it always possible. Even two hearts that were miles apart were able to find its way to each other, because that is how God wrote the story. No matter how impossible it may, for two hearts that are meant to be together, in God's time, they will meet and live together.

I thank God for creating a beautiful love story for me. I thank God for bringing me my husband, the only person who understands all my tantrums and moods and still accepts me with open arms and loves me more and more as the day goes by. I thank God that He helped me to open my eyes and moved on and led my path to my husband's arms. I could not ask for more. I am really loved.

Soul Mate Part Two

Since somebody explained it far better than I, I will just quote her here.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I Am So Lucky!

I am so lucky to have my husband. There has no other guy in this world who understands my tantrums and my insecurities better than him. He accepts me despite all my flaws and helps me go through all these difficulties as a foreigner. I am so happy that I met him and I have him for the rest of my life.

I just wanted the world to know how much I am blessed to have my husband, the one who never lets me down and accepts me for who I am.

I love Mr. Uwe Wussow so much! I am so proud to have him as my husband! :)

My Philosophy 101

In my 28 years of existence, I came to realize what philosophy really is. It is not something that we must follow because the philosophers before us said it. What the philosophers in the past had said, they should only serve as a guide for us to find our own philosophy. We are created having the most wonderful talent, rationalizing, hence we must make good use of it. We must rationalize from within and find the meaning of our lives. Hence, I came down with the following as my philosophy. It may have been said before by some philosophers, and some may not agree on what the norms believe, but I am entitled to these, because I am a rationalized being, and I have the right to philosophize.

1. Things do not change. It is our perspective that changes. An apple is an apple until the end, it does not become a pear at any point of its life. It only ripens and eventually rottens, and we as individuals are the ones who give this state to it. It is our perspective that says when an apple is good to eat and when it is not. Hence, you must not hate other people because they are no longer who they are when you met them, sit back and find the reason from within. Most of the time, the reason why we hate them now is because our perspective of them changed. They did not change, they only became too familiar to us that the way we look at them becomes more defined and our minds do not like the reality we are seeing now. Instead of forcing them to change to who they are not, tell your mind to accept the things. Nothing really changed, the reality is just more crystal clear now. When you learn to accept that nothing really changes, you would never get yourself disappointed.

2. Expectations causes our perspectives to change and eventually disappointments. The more you expect, the bigger disappointment you will get. When you expect, you create this illusion of reality in your mind, that when it is not met, you'd end up saying things have changed on them, but they did not, everything's just in your mind. Hence, stop expecting. Take things as it is. Let yourself be surprised.

3. There is no perfect relationship, because there is no such thing as perfect. What there is is a successful relationship. The key to having a successful relationship is acceptance. No one must change. Both must only learn to accept the reality. Reality is only painful and hard to accept if we have this painting called Portrait of Expectations displayed in our hearts. Put down this painting and give the brush to your partner. Let him/ her paint the reality in your heart. You will end up more beautiful and loving at the same time.

I will stop here for now. I am still on continuous study in this University of Life. I do not expect you to agree on me on these three points in life. As I have said, we have our own philosophy. Instead, I challenge you to write down your own philosophy and inspire people. Nothing is more fulfilling than inspiring others.

Chase Your Dreams

My friend posted this status on his page: "I used to dream of being a musician. Now that I am old, will I still be able to pursue it?" Without hesitation, I commented and told him that age should never be a hindrance on chasing one's dream. This topic inspired me to write this blog.

When I was two years old and the elders would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, my answer was very simple and sounds stupid: I wanted to be a sales lady. I am not quitr sure why I answered that. While other kids of my age would say they wanted to be doctors or nurses to cure the ill, pilots or stewards to travel the world, my answer was to be a sales lady simply because I find them fashionable and pretty. However, unlike my friends whose dreams never changed till they grow old, mine transformed into totally different goal in life: as I started to learn the ABCs and be able to write them, I realized I wanted to be a writer. I found the beauty of words and how fashionable they seem to be when they sit beside each other. Each phrase or sentence is unique and beautiful on its own way. Because of this admiration, I had also wanted to be that artist behind those stories and poems. It was a dream I never got a chance to fulfill,yet.

I stopped chasing this dream when I was on my last year in high school. My teacher on Creative Writing told me one devastating sentence that shattered my dream of being a writer: "you lack the talent and skill of being a writer." I actually did not cry hearing this. I was just totally destroyed. All the phrases I gained from my family and friends regarding my works (essays and poems) were all put into thrash by this woman who gained her degree on English and Literature. I believed her words because she spent years learning this art I am so in love with, hence she has all the right to tell me that I am not meant to be a writer.

I searched my soul and tried to find my path. I was good in Science, particularly Chemistry and Physics, hence decided to pursue this as a career. However, everytime I work in the laboratory, the chemical labels and reactions are playing on my mind and I always end up describing events and feelings metaphorically using Chemistry and Physics. A friend in the university told me I have the talent to be a writer, but I answered her, no, I got no talent on that. I kept on turning my back away from writing because I still hold on to the words of my high school teacher.

But the more I turn my back to it, the unhappier I am.

I had graduated from the university with average grades. I started working as a chemist and as a process engineer. But I always end up unhappy and would move forward. My resume is so dirty for having lots of company on the list,staying only a maximum of one year on each. I feel so bad and sad about it. I cannot find satisfaction on any of them. It seems like I am treading a totally wrong path. I am so lost. Whenever I would go for another interview and the personnel would ask me why I would leave my current job and if I could stay loyal on their company, I ask the same question to myself. But I got no courage to make a 180° turn and rewrite my life. Hence, in order to help myself appreciate my career and keep my heart happy, I started to blog. When I started to blog, my job as a chemist became lighter.

That was it! My dream never died. It was just lurking in the deepest part of me, giving me signs every once in a while. As a colleague started to read my blog, she said I should pursue writing. I tried to write a poem again, she liked it. They liked it.

Then, I felt free. I started chasing my dream again. I got hired in Emerson as a Documentation Engineer. I realized that I can be both a writer and a technical/ scientific person. In Emerson, I found myself, I was who I wanted me to be, maybe not 100% because I am not writing poems for living, but I am a writer, a technical writer. I am painting using words to help engineers and lay people understand our product. It was a different fulfillment, and I was happy. I now understand why since I graduated, I always see Emerson on every job ads in newspaper and internet. It was a sign for me to finally freed myself and start to chase my dream again.

I am still chasing my dream. There are still parts of it that has not yet materialized. I am still running after it, and I am determined to fulfilling it.

I know the road is still far and wide.
Nevertheless, I will continue dreaming.
I will wake up each day and run after it.
I will never get tired chasing it.
I will not stop, until I reach the top.
I will prove those who belittled me,
That I am more than anybody else.
I will continue chasing my dream.
Hope, faith and determination,
Will be my favorite companions.

I challenge you to do the same.
Go and follow your dreams with haste.