Life Lessons

Today I feel grateful for the teachings my family and my school taught me. They shaped me to a person I am right now. My mom had always told me as a kid, that not because we have more food on the table and that I go to a private school, means we are rich. Surely, we are blessed, but what matters the most is my character as a person. So she taught me to choose friends who will accept me for who I am and not for what I have. As a kid, she let me play outside with our neighbors' kids and my cousins. We would run around, roll down the hill, play hide and seek, get mud on our faces. This way, my family taught us that we are equal. That none in our village is richer nor poorer. We are all rich because the whole place belongs to us. The vast field is not my uncle's field, but our field where we sit under the mango tree to eat its fruits, and fly our kites or play tag. (We just need to make sure his cows remain within the fences.) I was taught that money is not everything. That happiness does not depend on how much we have but how many friends we have. I was also taught that money does not grow on trees, one needs to work hard for it. So on schooldays I need to learn a lot and aim for high grades so I would be rewarded a wish. On school breaks, I learned to sell ice candies (flavored ice water), offer summer tutorials or babysitting so that I have few coins to buy something from the Sunday flea market. This way, I grew up being contented on what I have. Sure there are wants, especially during teenager days, but I learned since a kid that one can also be happy without these stuff.

At school we always have outreach programs where we spend a day with less-fortunate kids in our city. Through this program, I became sensitive to the needs of others. I learned not to want more, because I became aware that poverty is real. I learned to always thank the One Above for the blessings He bestow my family. It may not be much, but more than enough for us to survive each day and to cover our basic needs. My mind was opened to the fact though that we may be blessed by now but we are not sure of the future, hence it is important to learn how to save as well. Because of that, I learned to say no on wants and justify the immediate needs.

All these made me into a person I am now. My family taught me equality. They taught me to never judge other people's past nor their present because each person has his own daily battle. It is important to show respect so we would also be respected in return. My school taught me to always be grateful. I may only have few friends, but I am sure they are those who accepted me for who I am, for what I have and from what family I came from and I do not need more. They are enough and I am grateful to have found them in this lifetime.

Why Me?

Note: I will be posting in Taglish (Tagalog-English) because I really want to pour my emotions out.

Kahit na puno ng positivity ang last post ko, at puno ng hope ang bawat tulang sinulat ko, aaminin ko, mas madami ang depression moments ko mula nang malaman kong may aneurysm ako. First, andun yung takot ko noon, takot na hindi ko malalampasan yung operasyon, takot na yun na ang katapusan. Ang dami kong luhang iniiyak, kasi hindi pa ako handa. Hindi ako handang iwanan ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Aaminin ko, ilang beses, at hanggang ngayon, paulit ulit kong tinatanong, "bakit ako?". Why me, of all people in the world. I know I am not the nicest person on earth, pero hindi din naman siguro ako ang pinakamakasalanan. After nung first operation ko, labas-masok ako sa hospital dahil sa complications, at promise, sumuko na ko. Ayoko na, hirap na hirap na ako sa sakit, sa hindi maipaliwanag ng agham na pinagmumulan ng lahat nung sakit. Okay ang CT-scans, pero laging may masakit. Tatlong araw lang ang itinatagal ko lagi sa bahay, ambulansya na ang naging sasakyan ko, kulang na lang yung hospital address na ang ipalagay ko sa federal ID ko. Itinatanong ko sa asawa ko, bakit ako, kasi baka may maisasagot sya, gaya ng mga panahong inaaral ko ang history ng Germany at ng Europe, may handang sagot sya lagi, pero wala syang naibigay na sagot, at ang sakit para sa aming dalawa. Para sa akin kasi di ko alam anong mangyayari bukas or sa makalawa. Para sa kanya kasi nakikita nya akong walang gana sa kahit anong bagay, laging depressed, laging nasa kwarto, tulala sa kisame. Hinahatak nya ako laging maglakad lakad, para may iba akong maisip, binibili nya lahat ng matripan ko, kesehodang pambata man yun. Andyan yung bumili ng PS4 at kung ano anong laro para maaliw daw ako pag nasa work sya. Kumpleto ko na ang coloring books ni Millie Marrota, yung kay Johanna Basford kulang lang ako ng isa, at kung ano anong coloring books pa ng iba't ibang publishing house, may 19 na ata etong coloring books sa shelf ko. Pag napapadpad kami sa bookstore, minimum 3 books lagi ang bitbit ko pauwi, kahit halos wala akong nababasa sa kanila, napupuno lang yung shelf ko, hindi naman nabubuklat. Pero hindi sya tumitigil, basta daw makakabawas sa depression ko, hindi sya magdadalawang isip bilihin. I am the luckiest girl alive kung asawa ang pagbabasehan. He is always there at my side, and takes really good care of me. Pero may araw talaga na feeling ko ako na ang pinakamalas na tao sa mundo. Ang sakit talaga tanggapin na ako ang may karamdaman na ganito. But ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? Embryo pa lang ako andito na sya, sooner or later talagang lalabas at lalabas ang symptoms. All I can do is to accept my fate, fight the negative thoughts and try to look forward. Ang hirap, pero kelangan kong gawin. Nagpaplano ako for days ahead of me, months, even years, kahit na walang kasiguruhan kung ilang araw, buwan o taon pa ang nalalabi para sa akin. I continue to write my plans and dreams, because those things makes me feel more optimistic, it gives me a tinge of hope to hold on and continue the fight.

Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko dito, laban lang ng laban, walang sukuan!

time for some reflection

last week, we were hit by a 6.1 earthquake, while we were on the 32nd floor of our building. it was indeed terrifying. i mean, i had been trained since grade school on what to do in case of fire, but in case of earthquake, that's the most frightening thing for me.at my seat, you can hear the glass shaking and seems like it'll break anytime, the posters and the blinds were swaying really endless, my office chair DID moved. my heart's skipping a beat, i knew that time i am going to have nervous breakdown at any minute. but i have to look calm, for i am part of the ERT, and number one on the list to do is DO NOT PANIC (but at the back of my mind, i want to run through that exit and evacuate). i can't remember what i kept on saying, i could not even remember if i did called on Him.

just few days ago, when it happened, and tomorrow's going to be Palm Sunday. the time when Jesus was welcomed warmly in Jericho, but executed afterwards. the day that marks the start of Holy Week. the day when we are all asked to repent and reflect. it is not a week to fly to great sands of Boracay or Palawan, or sail to Puerto Galera. it is more of a day to speak with the Lord, thank Him for our lives, for the food we eat, for the work we manage to have. ask for His forgiveness and repent with all our hearts. that is the true meaning of Holy Week, it is not mandated just to give us time to hit the beach, it never was. and it seems sad that young people of today seems to have forgotten that one.

i don't know how it looks like for others, but i believe, what happened to us last week was a wake up call. we all seems to forget God due to our busy lives, and unimportant things. i admit, i am guilty as well. i guess, it's time to turn back to God and reflect. He is just there, waiting and ready to hug us anytime.