For quite a while now, especially whenever depression gets the control over me, I have been asking the universe, why am I still here? Why did I wake up again after that almost a month of slumber after my operation in 2017? Why do I still live, if living means being not able to do stuff I used to do before? It has always been my question since I woke up from coma in 2017. My therapists and nurses all kept on telling me, "you are still here because you have a mission." But what is that? I can't seem to find the reason no matter how hard I search...
Until today when I had a chat with a distant relative in Australia in connection to my Facebook post last Thursday.
Last Thursday was literally Throwback Thursday for me. I was cleaning my external hard drive and saw photos from 2017 that didn't make it online. Photos after I woke up. Because I was still chained to lots of cables and was wearing hospital dress, I opted not to share it before. One, to not shock my family further because they had enough shock the moment I didn't wake up after the operation and two, I felt so ugly there. But last Thursday was different. In my mind, I said "so what if I am ugly on these pictures, I wanted them to see how I fought the battle." I kept on posting about my sickness, but I am not sure if they really know how the battle really looked like. So just to give people an idea what and how I looked like, I posted the 3 photos I had. It was for me just some sort of reminiscing, and thanking all my prayer warriors around the world because of them, the One Above gave me another life. It was literally "just another Facebook post" for me.
Little did I know, it was more for somebody I know dearly.
Ate is currently facing her own battles. She did not mention what it is, but she has been doubting herself and her strength and the grace of the Lord. She has a son and he's still small, hence all these anxieties. She said, in the middle of her anxiety attack, my post showed up on her timeline as the first one. Then she pulled herself back and determined to fight. She told herself, "Cy did it. She has been battling a lot since a little girl and she continues to win each fight. So what do I have for an excuse to give up now? If she made it, so can I." She told me that I am a living testimony of how vast God's love is for us, that even the impossible can still be possible in God's grace.
Her words opened my mind why I am still here.
I am here to continue to inspire. There are a lot out there who are at the verge of giving up. And the reason why I am given a second life is to remind these people that God's grace is endless. That God answers prayers. That nothing is impossible to Him if we only fervently pray. That we should not doubt Him. He is there. We may not feel His presence, but He is at work.
Hence, from now on, I can also easily fight my depression by telling myself,
I am here to fight until the end. I will not just sit and let the enemy destroy me. I will make sure I am giving it a good fight. I'd rather die in the battlefield fighting until the end, until my last breath.
And you who's reading this, should think the same way too! Life is beautiful! :)
