Life Goes On

Antagal ko nang walang matinong article. Antagal ko na ding walang nasusulat na tula. Hindi na din ako nakakapagpainting o kahit mag-color lang ng coloring books, waley. My creativity is gone and I don't know paano ko ba sya marereactivate. I already deleted Facebook para lesser social media, but it doesn't help as well. Naiinis na ko sa sarili ko. Kahapon, I wanted that acrylic painting set badly, but I put it back kasi gastos lang, alam kong hindi ko din naman sya bubuksan at gagamitin. Hanggang kelan ako ganito? Nabobore na ko sa current na takbo ng buhay ko. :(

Gulong gulo na ako kung saan ako magbblog. I don't feel at home in any of my sites anymore. This is my oldest running blog kaya andito ako uli. But this doesn't mean na dito na ko uli for good. I am just using this as stop-over until I have everything sorted out in my mind. After all, everything is allowed in this site. I created this blog out of nothing, para lang may matambayan ako noon in between work, to quiet my mind. And now, I am back to square one, and trying to figure out how am I going further from here.

I have been thinking lately to buy my domain and try to monetize my blog. But then, I realized, hindi naman ako frequent blogger. I write based on my mood. Unlike other content creators, wala akong fresh ideas to share to the world. My sites are boring. So sayang lang?

Ang hirap mag-isip ng isusulat. Yung gustong gusto kong magblog pero wala akong maisip na isulat. Yung in one moment, may idea but as soon as I open my blog page, poof! It's gone. Nada! Gusto ko lang naman maging gaya ng dati etong blog ko, bakit ang hirap hirap? 

Dinala ko dito yung notebook ko nung teenager ako, where I write down my thoughts in poetry form. I am browsing through it tonight and realized, it's going to be a lot of work bago ko sya maipublish sa blog ko. They need a lot of revisions. But funny, or rather weird, there are around 6 or 7 types of penmanship. It made me think if ako ba talaga sumulat ng mga yun? May penmanship na I can't remember na tnry ko, parang sa ibang tao sya talaga. Then those poems and essays are dated, I felt sad, wala yung tula na sinulat ko spontaneously sa chem lab nung college. Tanda ko lang title nun was our lab room (Lab 14). It was sort of a farewell poem ko sa friends and colleagues ko nung college, I wrote it on our last lab work before finals. Tanda ko lang content but the exact words, di ko na maalala. I described there the types of people in our batch, how diverse our block was, yet we all became friends. I think I compared us to the chemicals, how one person may explode merely by sittin...

Two or three days ago, I created a new WP blog. It was intended as my re-introduction sa language tutorial. However, dahil humabol pa ang Spätsommer, at may audio transcriptions pa akong pending, I reverted the blog to private muna. My plan for that is, a language tutorial blog na para lang akong nakikipagchikahan. Kaso dahil nga asa garden pa ko most of the time, yung first two entries ko sounded too dry and formal. Kinuha ko lang kasi yung old posts ko sa Pinays in Germany blog. So as soon as tapos ko na lahat ng transcription projects ko at ang autumn ay 100% andito na, I will sit on that blog. At dahil very casual ang plan ko dun, it will be in taglish, like dito. It will not be like my other WP blogs na englishan ang dating. Actually, unang plan ko dito ko sya gawin (free muna kasi wala akong budget to buy domain for that), kaso nalilito ako sa layout dito. I dunno if possible dito yung categories as menu tabs sa taas ng page (noob lang sa Blogger, sorry 😅). Sa WP kasi possible y...

 For quite a while now, especially whenever depression gets the control over me, I have been asking the universe, why am I still here? Why did I wake up again after that almost a month of slumber after my operation in 2017? Why do I still live, if living means being not able to do stuff I used to do before? It has always been my question since I woke up from coma in 2017. My therapists and nurses all kept on telling me, "you are still here because you have a mission." But what is that? I can't seem to find the reason no matter how hard I search... Until today when I had a chat with a distant relative in Australia in connection to my Facebook post last Thursday.  Last Thursday was literally Throwback Thursday for me. I was cleaning my external hard drive and saw photos from 2017 that didn't make it online. Photos after I woke up. Because I was still chained to lots of cables and was wearing hospital dress, I opted not to share it before. One, to not shock my family fur...

Dear Friend, Napakasaya kong mabasa ang mga pagbabago sa buhay mo. Happy to see you succeed and your family growing. Ang laki na ng panganay mo. Nakakatuwa.  At nakakamiss din ang nakaraan. Yung dati na araw-araw nating pagkkwentuhan, be it in form of text messages, YM chats o personal man sa work. Yun yung mga panahon na I was healing from a very bad relationship. Dahil sayo, na-enjoy ko single life. Yung tipong, never kong kinaawaan sarili ko for being single, kasi masaya ko sa circle of friends ko na single din, at isa ka dun. Naalala ko, may blog din ako noon purely about you, nung knwento ko na may German bf na ko. Ngayon narealize ko bakit ka umiwas for a while. You felt betrayed kasi di tayo sabay umalis sa singlehood, iniwan kita sa ere (sorry naman). Then nagkita tayo sa DFA nung nagrenew ako ng passport, at what a coincidence na ikaw din. Nakwento mong wala ka na din sa singlehood, pero mas advanced pa din status ko, kasi married na ako nun. But that day, nakita ko kung g...

I am quite ashamed of myself. I recently found a job that is, I think, fits well with my lifestyle. Being seriously sick for the past years, even in artificial coma for almost a month, it is difficult for me to travel to work nor to work fulltime. Hence, I accepted more freelancing projects over Upwork and German language tutorials… type of work that I can do in the comforts of our home. However, we came to a point when we need more financially, and I found a non-voice-work-from-home customer service/ technical support job. I accepted it despite the contra that it is a fulltime job (I am not really sure if I am really ready for a fulltime, actually). The job itself is fun, but I am reminded why I left the call center world 13 years ago: the company demands make me crazy, not the customers. I enjoy being of help to customers, but I am having difficulty adhering to what the company expects from agents, especially the stats. And now, here I am, torn between resigning and staying. It is no...

*random find from Pinterest*

trying to learn the art of speaking without words, feeling without emotion, to understand the world without any explanation. but i'm failing and time is running. soon i'm gone and i still didn't find the answer to my question what life is.

Lately, I have read an anonymous letter in a forum of Filipinas married with another nationality and she has issues on infidelity of her husband. She's pregnant so she thought it is partly her fault why her husband is in search of another woman, because he has sexual needs that she can't satisfy. I felt sad and angry on how she argumented to "justify" her husband's infidelity, because she partly said she's okay with it, because she can't satisfy him as long as the baby is still in her. I was in almost the same situation. Four years ago, I was diagnosed with thoracic aneurysm and aortic dissection, and it is due to a genetic disease I never knew I have. I was devastated, depressed, because I was a ticking bomb. I told my husband, if he meets somebody else, I would understand, at least I know he is taken cared of in case I pass away. I kept on telling him that for two long years until my biggest operation in 2017 to close the aneurysm. On the day before my ...

Hi everyone! I am back! Well, might not be for long, but I just missed this blog. I started backreading my old posts and it feels like I have traveled through time. A lot of things happened in five years that I am away from here. I have posted some on my Wordpress blogs ( Pinays in Germany and Träume und Realität ). However, there are still missing events in those blogs. It has been a roller coaster ride the past years and when I say roller coaster, it is the scariest roller coaster I rode. Honestly, I am not sure if I am really already off from this roller coaster or I am just at the part that is preparing me for another scary loop. And I am afraid. I don't know if I can survive the next loops. I honestly miss writing, but I just can't find the right words to blog more often just like the old days. I wish this will be the start...

It's been a while since I was here. From now on, I will try to get this blog active once again. I just hope, I get the inspiration and motivation in the coming days. Thank you for being patient and staying there despite the inactivity on this site.

Words are gone, Feelings I'm not sure. World's all grey, Sand full of snow.

There was never really an us, There was only you and me. What we thought we once had, Was just but a sweet dream. I was never really meant for you, Nor you were destined for me, The love was just a thought, Just in our fantasy.

I've been living for quite a long time now here in Germany. I've met different kinds of people, separated in a not-so-good ways with some of them. But despite all the bad experiences, there are a few who stayed and I am really thankful of them, for being there for me through my ups and downs. They may be only few, I can even count them with my fingers, but they are more than enough. They are the kind of people I am most comfortable to be with. I don't need to pretend just to be accepted. I can tell them everything that I think and feel and still rest assured that I am understood and accepted. With them, it is fine to be crazy and they would just laugh and say "typical Anne".

Today I feel grateful for the teachings my family and my school taught me. They shaped me to a person I am right now. My mom had always told me as a kid, that not because we have more food on the table and that I go to a private school, means we are rich. Surely, we are blessed, but what matters the most is my character as a person. So she taught me to choose friends who will accept me for who I am and not for what I have. As a kid, she let me play outside with our neighbors' kids and my cousins. We would run around, roll down the hill, play hide and seek, get mud on our faces. This way, my family taught us that we are equal. That none in our village is richer nor poorer. We are all rich because the whole place belongs to us. The vast field is not my uncle's field, but our field where we sit under the mango tree to eat its fruits, and fly our kites or play tag. (We just need to make sure his cows remain within the fences.) I was taught that money is not everything. That happine...

It feels so good to be surprised with these beautiful flowers. It makes me feel more thankful that I am able to experience another spring and eventually another summer. Thankful for my husband who did not give up on me. Because of him, I am able to live more years and experience more seasons!

As mentioned few months back, this is already my nth blog. But it feels too empty. So I decided to challenge myself. In the next days, I will be posting photos of the past, photos that I posted in my old blog, which I deleted during my breakdown moments around two years ago. It will be a form of reminiscing how my life has been after all these years. What had changed and what stayed. Because life is not just about living up to the present, but also about reminiscing the past and looking forward to the future.