Ano Ba Talaga, Cye?

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko, di ko na alam ano ba talaga gusto ko. Una, I reactivated yung IG for learning German and created FB for it pa. I even posted na I will be active there again, then today, puff! I deleted the IG completely. Kasi naman pati ako di ko na naiintindihan ang German ko, so paano ko matutulungan yung iba?

Hopeless case na ata ako. Di ko na alam ano ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay. :( 

Ang Pagbabalik

Gulong gulo na ako kung saan ako magbblog. I don't feel at home in any of my sites anymore. This is my oldest running blog kaya andito ako uli. But this doesn't mean na dito na ko uli for good. I am just using this as stop-over until I have everything sorted out in my mind. After all, everything is allowed in this site. I created this blog out of nothing, para lang may matambayan ako noon in between work, to quiet my mind. And now, I am back to square one, and trying to figure out how am I going further from here.

Shitty 2021

 This year has brought me nothing but tears and disappointments. This has been the shittiest year I ever had. In few days, the year will end. I just hope that the new year will bring me new hopes and bring back my smile.

Soon, I will be strong enough to tell the world what happened in 2021. Soon, I will be able to tell you all why I always have tears in my eyes. For now, I just can't wait for this year to end. I have enough of it and all its bad memories. If only it is possible to delete a certain year out of your mind, I would completely delete this year. This year is not worth it to be remembered.

New year, please come faster! I wanted to see a hopeful future again!

Inconsistency

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko sa totoo lang. Napaka-inconsistent ng productivity ko. I think last week yung feeling na I can write anything and everything, I was able to submit two poems sa two separate poetry contest dito sa Germany, yung isa approved na for publication, yung isa on review pa din. Tapos this week wala akong gustong gawin kundi matulog. Pati magtrabaho tamad na tamad ako. Thanks to some beta tests at least nakapagwork ako ng konti for this week. Imagine, Friday na bukas peri ang haba pa din ng nasa weekly to-do list ko.

Haaay... Ever since I was diagnosed with aortic disease nung 2015, ganito na ko, ang tamad tamad ko ng mabuhay. Puro tulog na lang ako. Masaya na ko kapaga nakapaglaba at nakapagvacuum ako ng bahay in a week, isang himala na pag ako ang nagluto ng lunch at dinner namin.

I want to be back to my old self. I want to be more productive again. Kaso paano?!?!

Salamat Dahil Andyan Ka

Hello,

Actually gusto ko sana sabihin eto ng personal pero mukhang magtatagal pa bago ako makauwi uli. Gusto ko lang naman magpasalamat sa 'yo at sa pagkakaibigan natin. Madami man nagbago, gusto ko lang masigurado na alam mo how much I appreciate you.

Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan na nung panahong sobrang brokenhearted ako, ikaw yung andyan at sumalo sa akin. Ikaw lang yung nag-iisang taong kinwentuhan ko ng lahat ng bagay, maging ng mga bagay na hindi madaling iopen up ng isang babae. Maraming salamat kasi andun ka, nakinig at hindi ako hinusgahan. Pinaramdam mong hindi ako basura, na may taong nagmamahal at nagpapahalaga pa din sa akin sa kabila ng lahat - ikaw. Gusto kong malaman mo na hindi ko nakakalimutan ang lahat ng yun.

Maraming salamat sa pagkakaibigan at pagmamahal. Lagi mong tatandaan, andito ako, patuloy na nagmamahal din sa 'yo.

Domain Name: To Buy or Not To Buy?

I have been thinking lately to buy my domain and try to monetize my blog. But then, I realized, hindi naman ako frequent blogger. I write based on my mood. Unlike other content creators, wala akong fresh ideas to share to the world. My sites are boring. So sayang lang?

Ikaw Na Naman

 Di ko alam kung ilang beses na kitang naging topic dito mula ng simulan ko 'tong blog na toh in year 2005. Yung iba nabura na dahil sa katangahan ko noon na nag-feeling marunong ako magbasa ng Kanji sa opisina, eh di yun, delete content ang napindot ko. So eto na nga, ikaw na uli topic ko, kasi naman bakit ba bigla ka na lang dumadalaw sa panaginip ko.

Mula ng umalis ako sa GC ng batch natin, wala na akong balita sa 'yo. First time this year na binati kita nung birthday mo na hindi mo ko sinagot, mukhang kahit binasa ata di mo ginawa kasi walang react. Anyway, naiintindihan ko naman dahil sa mga post mo, mukhang busy na busy ka sa mga business mo. Pero di ko talaga gets bakit bigla kang nagppop sa panaginip ko at the most unexpected time. Tipong parang "hoy! ang tagal mo na akong di iniisip ah". Oo, aaminin ko, totally nakalimutan na kita. Unsubscribe na ko sa FB mo, yung asawa mo na lang. Nillike ko bawat milestone ng anak nyo. Yung anak mo, kuhang kuha ugali mo nung grade school tayo.

Anyway, gusto ko lang sabihin, nakalimutan man kita to the point na di na ko nagrereact sa mga post mo, di ko naman nakakalimutan kung sino ka sa buhay ko. Kung anong mga pagbabago ang nadala mo sa akin. At yes, hanggang ngayon nagsisisi ako na I built a wall between us. Sobrang taas na ang hirap tibagin. Pilit kong tinitibag ngayon, pero sa sobrang taas nya, parang too late na. Ang layo mo na. 

Kung merong the one who got away sa romantic level, ikaw ang the one who got away ko sa friendship level.

Inaamin ko, sobrang nanghihinayang ako sa pagkawala ng pagkakaibigan na meron tayo noon. Yung mga best friend mo ngayon, mga kaibigan mo sila mula sa taon na nagkakilala at naging magkaibigan tayo. Kung di ako nagtayo ng malaking pader sa pagitan natin, I'm sure isa ako sa closest friends mo magpahanggang ngayon.

Sorry, P... Ang taas ng ego ko nung kabataan natin, nasira ang pagkakaibigan natin...

The Voice of Germany

Isa sa kinaaadikan ko dito sa TV ay ang The Voice of Germany. Maybe part of being Pinoy na ang kahumalingan ang anything to do with music. Masyado akong excited this season kasi bukod sa 10th year anniversary ng The Voice, which happens to be parang anniversary ko na din dito sa Germany (yes! I survived 10 years!), ay *drum rolls* TATLONG CANDIDATES WITH PINOY BLOOD MADE IT TO THE SING-OFFS! Apat silang umabot sa battle round but sadly, yung ka-battle ni Danica ang pinili nina Samu Haber at Rea Garvey. 

They are Juan Geck for Team Stefanie and Yvonne, Janina Bey for Team Nico and Leo Engels also for Team Stefanie and Yvonne. I can't find any bio for Leo except his soccer portfolio, futbolero muna sya dito sa Alemanya bago sumabak sa The Voice.

Next round will be hard kasi there are 5 teams (4 jury ans 1 Comeback Stage Team) competing this season, kaya 2 from each team lang ang pipiliin para sa semi-finals. Four teams have 11 candidates for Sing-Offs, kaya exciting! Literal na the best man wins! 

Sing-offs round starts on Thursday.

Below are YouTube links to their performances:

• Juan's Blinds and Battle
• Janina's Blinds and Battle
• Leo's Blinds and Battle
• Danica's Blinds and Battle - sadly she didn't make it to the Sing-Offs pero ang linis ng battle performance nya

Affe im Kopf

Ang hirap mag-isip ng isusulat. Yung gustong gusto kong magblog pero wala akong maisip na isulat. Yung in one moment, may idea but as soon as I open my blog page, poof! It's gone. Nada!

Gusto ko lang naman maging gaya ng dati etong blog ko, bakit ang hirap hirap? 

A Lot Of Work Ahead

Dinala ko dito yung notebook ko nung teenager ako, where I write down my thoughts in poetry form. I am browsing through it tonight and realized, it's going to be a lot of work bago ko sya maipublish sa blog ko. They need a lot of revisions. But funny, or rather weird, there are around 6 or 7 types of penmanship. It made me think if ako ba talaga sumulat ng mga yun? May penmanship na I can't remember na tnry ko, parang sa ibang tao sya talaga. Then those poems and essays are dated, I felt sad, wala yung tula na sinulat ko spontaneously sa chem lab nung college. Tanda ko lang title nun was our lab room (Lab 14). It was sort of a farewell poem ko sa friends and colleagues ko nung college, I wrote it on our last lab work before finals. Tanda ko lang content but the exact words, di ko na maalala. I described there the types of people in our batch, how diverse our block was, yet we all became friends. I think I compared us to the chemicals, how one person may explode merely by sitting beside the other one. Kung sa logbook ko yun sinulat, then forever bye bye na nga, kasi we had termite problem sa old house sa San Jose and they ate my old books, notebooks and letters. I wish I can write it again... but I know even if I do, it's not the same anymore because the emotions I had writing it back then is not there anymore.

If you love writing poetry, you know what I mean... 

Work in Progress

Two or three days ago, I created a new WP blog. It was intended as my re-introduction sa language tutorial. However, dahil humabol pa ang Spätsommer, at may audio transcriptions pa akong pending, I reverted the blog to private muna. My plan for that is, a language tutorial blog na para lang akong nakikipagchikahan. Kaso dahil nga asa garden pa ko most of the time, yung first two entries ko sounded too dry and formal. Kinuha ko lang kasi yung old posts ko sa Pinays in Germany blog. So as soon as tapos ko na lahat ng transcription projects ko at ang autumn ay 100% andito na, I will sit on that blog. At dahil very casual ang plan ko dun, it will be in taglish, like dito. It will not be like my other WP blogs na englishan ang dating. Actually, unang plan ko dito ko sya gawin (free muna kasi wala akong budget to buy domain for that), kaso nalilito ako sa layout dito. I dunno if possible dito yung categories as menu tabs sa taas ng page (noob lang sa Blogger, sorry 😅). Sa WP kasi possible yun kasi Reena already did that sa layout ng Pinays in Germany, so nakapag-playaround na ko sa editing ng layout and alam ko na where to find it, etc.

Ayun, just sharing my upcoming plans once the cold weather kicks in. I also plan na yun na din unti unting start ko mag-accept ng language learners for tutorial. In any way, I need to earn again, nauubos na savings ko 🙈. So like what Steven Bansil said in one of his vlog, find something that your happy to do, and not because you are forced to do so you won't easily get burnt out working. I think this is mine. Hindi ako pang-vlog, shy ako sa camera, so I will just let my fingers do the talking for me.

Enough with my brain farts for today. I will enjoy the last day of sun for this year. Ciao und bis zum nächsten Mal!

Living in Time of CoViD-19

Today I ranted sa FB page ng Pinays in Germany. Then now I realized, medyo mainit din ulo ko nga kanina. Maybe na-trigger din lang si Kuya kasi nakuha ko pang magpost about Wanderlust Weekend sa panahon ng pandemic kaya maybe kaya nya naisip, mayayaman ang mga nasa Germany. But still, I don't know why such stereotype, na porke carry magtravel, mayaman na? And again, it doesn't give him the right to use F-word sa comment nya and murahin ang Germans in general, for what reason? He said sa comment for being rude and irresponsible, but sa direct message, he mentioned for not being responsive agad just because he is poor and needs help. Di ko nagets ang logic, nakakainit lang ng ulo, hence the rant. I mean, it is okay to ask for help pero bakit ganun ang dating nya, parang kasalanan ng mga taga-Germany bakit may mahihirap, at parang obligasyon ng grupo namin na sagutin agad ang mga messages. Our group is not a charity organization, I started the blog simply as hobby.

Let me explain it here again how unfair these stereotypes towards people living in Germany are. Not because Germany is a first-world country eh automatic mayayaman na lahat ng nakatira dito. Wrong. People must work to be able to eat and afford a place to live. People earn euros, yes malaki palit nito to Philippines pesos, but take note, WE SPEND IN EUROS TOO. So ang kinikita namin, parang sa Pinas din lang at regular kang empleyado, sapat lang sa pang-araw araw na pangangailangan. So saan nanggagaling ang paniniwala na mayayaman ang mga nakatira sa Germany? I still cannot understand where this comes from. Just like in any other countries, we also have beggars, homeless, orphans, families living in homes without heater, old people collecting trash just so they can exchange it for cash and be able to do groceries. Just like any other countries, Germany has also its own sets of issues to face before and during this time of pandemic. I guess, it would be quite helpful to post as well, how Germany handles the pandemic, reasons kung bakit we can still live a near-normal life despite the pandemic. It has nothing to do with being mayaman kaya we can afford to travel locally.

What I've observed on how Germany handles this pandemic:

• There is strict rule of wearing masks when entering establishments and riding public transportation. You're free to remove mask if you are in the open, but make sure you wear one if you know you'd be in direct contact with other people. That's why medyo kinakilabutan ako now sa pinapanood ko na soccer game (DFB Pokal), the coach is not wearing mask and then started discussing with the side referee, yung naiimagine ko he is shouting, and super lapit nya sa referee. I can imagine the droplets flying. I know they are not positive of the virus, but still the fact, na baka on the way to stadium ay baka may unknown contact sila, which makes them unknown carrier and then they start throwing droplets to each other while discussing.
• Business as usual. But establishments are required to strictly follow safety measures, some of which are:
• Restaurants: Servers wearing face shield. Tables, chairs and floors are regularly disinfected. There is a must to consolidate guest information, i.e. name, address and contact number, so it would be easy for contact tracing in case something happens during that visit (for example, one employee tested positive for that day).
• Shops: Customers must wear masks and observe social distancing. In some stores, they distribute chips at the entrance, if there are no more chips available, then they already have reached the limit for number of customers inside and you must wait until somebody comes out again and return the chip. The chip is of course regularly disinfected.
• Hotels: Same rules with restaurant applies. There is also hand disinfectant by the door, so you are expected to disinfect yourself first before going inside.
• Some offices are in full operation. Some have half of their employees on home office, but most are already business as usual. Regular disinfection in the office is expected though and transparency, meaning if you are feeling sick, then don't go to office. If tested positive, then inform the company immediately. Bawal sinungaling.
• I am not quite sure with churches as I am no longer a regular church-goer here. But when I was in Cologne, there was no mass, but I get to see the priests roaming around the cathedral and welcoming the guests. One priest even played the organ for us. The seats are also marked, in one church bench, two ends lang allowed may umupo and then one bench in front and behind you are empty. The entrance and exit doors are also marked, kaya kahit tired na ko maglakad, I was forced to see the whole cathedral because I cannot use the same door I went in to go out. I needed to walk the whole cathedral and follow the rope towards exit.
• Schools are in mixed virtual and physical attendance.
• Vacations are encouraged to be only within Germany. Those who will travel outside of Germany, esp. those who went to high risk countries, are required to subject themselves to swab test upon arrival and it is at their own costs. Failure to do so means paying fine of €25,000.00! 
• People losing their jobs due to this pandemic receive social help. But it is not a social help like ayuda in Philippines. That money, called Arbeitslosengeld, was already paid by the person before. It is part of the many salary deductions we have. Freelancing is also a thing nowadays, a little project from time to time can also be a big help financially.
• People in contact with a positive patient but no symptoms are advised to do home quarantine, no test. If with symptoms, then they will be tested. If symptoms are worsened, i.e. problem with breathing, then time to go to the hospital. You see, wala din talagang mass testing na nagaganap, we just rely and hope that an individual is sensitive and disciplined enough na wag lumabas ng bahay if they think they had direct contact. 

As you can see. New normal is doable. Kailangan lang ng disiplina at matutong dumiskarte at makuntento sa kung anong meron. If the government is not initiating anything, maybe about time to make it as people's initiative, for the good of all people. Pointing fingers will not help in this time of pandemic. 

I Live to Inspire

 For quite a while now, especially whenever depression gets the control over me, I have been asking the universe, why am I still here? Why did I wake up again after that almost a month of slumber after my operation in 2017? Why do I still live, if living means being not able to do stuff I used to do before? It has always been my question since I woke up from coma in 2017. My therapists and nurses all kept on telling me, "you are still here because you have a mission." But what is that? I can't seem to find the reason no matter how hard I search...

Until today when I had a chat with a distant relative in Australia in connection to my Facebook post last Thursday. 

Last Thursday was literally Throwback Thursday for me. I was cleaning my external hard drive and saw photos from 2017 that didn't make it online. Photos after I woke up. Because I was still chained to lots of cables and was wearing hospital dress, I opted not to share it before. One, to not shock my family further because they had enough shock the moment I didn't wake up after the operation and two, I felt so ugly there. But last Thursday was different. In my mind, I said "so what if I am ugly on these pictures, I wanted them to see how I fought the battle." I kept on posting about my sickness, but I am not sure if they really know how the battle really looked like. So just to give people an idea what and how I looked like, I posted the 3 photos I had. It was for me just some sort of reminiscing, and thanking all my prayer warriors around the world because of them, the One Above gave me another life. It was literally "just another Facebook post" for me. 

Little did I know, it was more for somebody I know dearly.

Ate is currently facing her own battles. She did not mention what it is, but she has been doubting herself and her strength and the grace of the Lord. She has a son and he's still small, hence all these anxieties. She said, in the middle of her anxiety attack, my post showed up on her timeline as the first one. Then she pulled herself back and determined to fight. She told herself, "Cy did it. She has been battling a lot since a little girl and she continues to win each fight. So what do I have for an excuse to give up now? If she made it, so can I." She told me that I am a living testimony of how vast God's love is for us, that even the impossible can still be possible in God's grace.

Her words opened my mind why I am still here. 

I am here to continue to inspire. There are a lot out there who are at the verge of giving up. And the reason why I am given a second life is to remind these people that God's grace is endless. That God answers prayers. That nothing is impossible to Him if we only fervently pray. That we should not doubt Him. He is there. We may not feel His presence, but He is at work.

Hence, from now on, I can also easily fight my depression by telling myself, 

I am here to fight until the end. I will not just sit and let the enemy destroy me. I will make sure I am giving it a good fight. I'd rather die in the battlefield fighting until the end, until my last breath. 

And you who's reading this, should think the same way too! Life is beautiful! :)  

A Trip to Cologne, Germany

 Last month, we had a short trip to Cologne. I may hurt a few of you with my words, but Cologne is not my city. I know a lot of Filipinos who live in Cologne, or dreams to live in Cologne. Sadly, I am not one of you. The Cathedral of Cologne has always been in my bucket list, and now that I already visited it, I got no more reasons to go back to Cologne. The cathedral is definitely a place you have to see at least once in your life.  (You can find the photos I took of Cologne Cathedral in my Tumblr page, just click here.) 

Kölner Dom

I think it has to do that I have always loved the country side. Cologne is too chaotic for me. It is pandemic and yet I was overwhelmed with how many people are roaming around the city. It was quite too much for an introvert like me. We rode the Kölner Seilbahn and took a walk at Rheinpark. However, we find the park like a desert: despite the heat of the summer, we can't find not even a small kiosk where we can get some drinks. 

The city just lacks luster for me, aside from Cologne Cathedral (and Hard Rock Cafe), I don't know what else is worth to see in that city. 

Hubby and I outside Hard Rock Cafe

My stepson, Tim, met up with us at Hard Rock Cafe for dinner,
he's the reason why we went to Köln

Saw this at the Schaufenster of Tourist Information

It made me appreciate Frankfurt am Main more. Frankfurt is a city of vielfalt: business streets, historical sites, churches and cathedral, shopping alleys, university, streets for party and booze, museums, and more. 

Dear Friend,

Napakasaya kong mabasa ang mga pagbabago sa buhay mo. Happy to see you succeed and your family growing. Ang laki na ng panganay mo. Nakakatuwa. 

At nakakamiss din ang nakaraan.

Yung dati na araw-araw nating pagkkwentuhan, be it in form of text messages, YM chats o personal man sa work. Yun yung mga panahon na I was healing from a very bad relationship. Dahil sayo, na-enjoy ko single life. Yung tipong, never kong kinaawaan sarili ko for being single, kasi masaya ko sa circle of friends ko na single din, at isa ka dun. Naalala ko, may blog din ako noon purely about you, nung knwento ko na may German bf na ko. Ngayon narealize ko bakit ka umiwas for a while. You felt betrayed kasi di tayo sabay umalis sa singlehood, iniwan kita sa ere (sorry naman). Then nagkita tayo sa DFA nung nagrenew ako ng passport, at what a coincidence na ikaw din. Nakwento mong wala ka na din sa singlehood, pero mas advanced pa din status ko, kasi married na ako nun. But that day, nakita ko kung gaano ka kasaya to have her, and tama ako, kita mo naman ngayon, 2 na chikiting nyo! We planned to meet again para makilala ko sya, plano was after ng out of the country trip nyo, kaso umalis na ko.

Seriously now, gusto ko lang pasalamatan ka sa napakagandang memories. At kahit na ang chats natin ay limited na ngayon sa pagbati ng "happy birthday" at "merry Christmas" sa isa't isa, ramdam ko pa din na isa ka pa din sa mga taong matatawag kong tunay na kaibigan. 

Promise na talaga, sa sunod na uwi namin, meet up na tayo, bago pa maging 5 ang anak nyo.

Tandaan mo, andito lang ako, friends for life, tik! ;-) 

Wir können nicht alle alles

Ein schöner Spruch, was ich aus dem Buch "Geflügelte Wörter" heute gelesen habe. Es ist eine kleine Botschaft für mich, dass es unmöglich ist, alle Dinge zu wissen und zu können, und es ist okay. Es ist okay, weil es normal ist. Klar, es gibt Genie, die viele Dinge beherrschen, aber immerhin, sie können auch nicht behaupten, alles zu wissen und zu können. Es gibt immer Luft nach oben. 

Oft bin ich sehr enttäuscht von mir, wenn ich manche Aufgabe nicht schaffe. Immer wenn es passiert, ich denke, ich sei so blöd und krieche ich an der Ecke und will nicht mehr raus. Es ist enttäuschend, aber es ist falsch von mir, mich als schlecht zu beurteilen. Denn ich bin nicht blöd. Es ist halt nicht meine Stärke, und es ist okay. Ich kann mich immer noch verbessern. Ich kann weiterlernen, weiterentwickeln, bis ich es eines Tages auch kann. Und selbst wenn der Tag kommt, wenn ich es schon kann, ich kann immer noch nicht behaupten, dass ich schon alles kann. Denn da sind immer noch andere Dinge, die ich nicht kann, und für solche Dinge, ich werde immer andere Menschen gebrauchen. Menschen, die diese Dinge wissen und können. Und dieselbe Menschen werden mich auch für die Dinge, die sie nicht wissen und können, gebrauchen. So funktioniert die Welt.

Filipinos Learning German

I posted in my previous article that we have a Facebook group for this purpose. But in this post, I wanted more to motivate my kababayans who are struggling in learning this language.

Because German language is one of the requirements when applying for long-term visa to Germany, a lot of my fellow Filipinos find learning this language difficult or stressful. But my dear kababayans, wag kayong matakot at mawalan ng pag-asa. Pinagdaanan ko din lahat ng pinagdaanan nyo and I am proud to say, medyo bihasa ko na ang lenggwaheng ito. I was even able to land 2 jobs in customer service for German-speaking countries. Kaya kung kinaya ko, alam kong kayang kaya nyo din!

Eto ang mapapayo ko para sa inyo:

• Manood ng mga children's programs. Nung bago ako dito sa Germany, naging habit ko na ang manood ng Sendung mit der Maus. During holidays, lalo Christmas season, may mga fairy tale movies din sa ARD and ZDF, so pinapanood ko din yun. Ngayon na uso ang Netflix at Amazon Prime Video, kung nasa Germany na kayo, try to watch animes and other cartoons AUF DEUTSCH. Mukhang mahirap intindihin sa una, but in due time, you'd be surprised, tatawa na din kayo sa mga scenes.
• Magbasa ng mga blogs, news articles, story books in German. Still a beginner? Then try children's books. Madaming children's books sa Amazon. Medyo asa B1 level na kayo? Check mga teenager books or mga chick lit sa Amazon. They are all easy readings for you.
• Practice speaking. Join groups gaya ng Facebook group namin, at maghanap ng tandem partner among members. Create chat groups with fellow Filipinos learning the language at dun magpractice magsalita. But still, best practice pa din ang makipag-usap with Germans in German. They can help you with the pronunciation pati na din kung ano ang tamang word na gagamitin in every situation. Kalimutan ang hiya, I'm telling you, Germans are very proud and they will love you if they hear na you are exerting effort to learn the language. They will be very happy to help you with your journey in mastering the language.

The only secret in mastering this language is continuous use of it. Hindi mo maaattain ang fluency na gusto mo kung sa loob lang ng classroom mo ito ginagamit.

By the way, I am open in helping you too in learning the language. I used to offer tutorial but due to health reasons, itinigil ko muna eto. Pero kung may demand, baka mag-offer uli ako in the near future. For now, I am open to checking your writings, and to practice speaking in German with you. Just look for me sa FB group (link above).

Where to Find Filipinos in Germany Online

Way back in 2013, I posted about my search for Pinoy bloggers in Germany. It was also the time I started the Pinays in Germany blog. It started na ako lang nagbblog (hence the URL is singular), until I met a few Filipinas sa Facebook group and reunited online with an A1 classmate back in Goethe Institut so I eventually invited them to write with me, kaya naging plural na ang blog title. I also posted in 2013 na I found a local Filipino community near me. Di na ko pumupunta sa community meet ups lalo after ng scoliosis operation ko, medyo anstrengend sa akin ang matagal na nakaupo but the members there are already my family here, lalo yung malapit sa amin nakatira. Naging tita-titahan ko na sya and already part of our extended family in Batangas, kasi from Batangas din sila. So my family back home ay very thankful din sa kanilang mag-asawa for treating me like their own family dito sa Germany.

Anyway, my purpose with this blog post is to update you guys about the Filipino groups I am part of ONLINE. Number one is of course our blog. Here are other Facebook groups I am a member and/or admin:

• Pinay in Deutschland - a group about just anything (I am one of the admins)
• Kusina ng mga Pinays in Deutschland - a group for food blogs and cooking/baking tips (I am one of the admins)
• Study and Work in Germany for Filipinos - a group related to working and studying in Germany (I am one of the admins)
• Wikang Aleman para sa mga Pinay in Deutschland - a group related to learning German language (I am one of the admins)
• Filipino Students, Alumni and Academics in Germany (FSAAG) - a group of Filipino students and alumni, I am not an admin but highly recommended for Filipino students and researchers in Germany

So if you are also a Filipino living in Germany, or planning to move to Germany, you are welcome to join our group/s to meet other Filipinos. I am more active there than in my blogs, so see you there!

I' m Different

There is this trend on Facebook wherein you ask yoir friends to comment on your post the words 'I love you', to see who among your friends love you. I did not participate on that. I participated on the one asking about memorable events or places that I have shared with them, but to tell someone those three words is totally different.

Or maybe I am different.

For me those words are very strong, I can't just run around telling it to everyone. For me, the only people who deserve those words from me are the people who were there during my lowest and darkest hours. I care about all of my friends, but I don't love all of them. I miss them. I worry about them. I cherish them, but I don't feel real love for them. 

I may be cold, but maybe I am just really different.

The same is true for me when it comes to saying 'I am sorry'. Not that it is difficult for me to admit my mistake, but sometimes, I really meant to hurt them because they hurt me. It is like I wanted them to understand how much they hurt me to the point that I don't really care if it would end our friendship. Call it ego, but maybe I am just being true to my feelings.

I am human. I have learned to make my brain and heart work together. Yes, life is short, but I don't really mind if there are only 3 people on my funeral. At least I know those people are real and I know those people are the ones I really love and have said the words 'I love you' and 'I am sorry' to them a thousand times.

Better Than Expected

I posted yesterday that I am quite nervous about my upcoming medical test. Well, that test is to test if my kidneys function well. It wasn't that bad, the doctor was a "sharp shooter" and was able to find a good vein right away for my access. That is always my nightmare whenever I have an upcoming check up, blood test and hospital admission. It is always a torture to find a good vein on my arms or hands, more often than not, it takes 6-7 pricks until they find the vein. Today, was different. My vein tried to hide again as soon as she pricked, but she was able to find it again, so it was just one prick, yey!

What or how did the test went? I still have to wait for one week though for the result, but the procedure was easier than I expected. Because of my deadly allergic reaction to CT-scan dye, I already fear getting inside the nuclear medicine department. It feels like everything there can kill me. Since this test is new to me, I have fears that I am also allergic to whatever substance they would inject me to see my kidneys. I was wrong, it is radioactive (still flushing it out of my system up to this time), but not too radioactive and expected to be completely out of my system tomorrow. There is no dye during the test, just the radioactive substance and afterwards a solution that reanimates the kidney function. Twenty minutes after I got the radioactive substance in my body and taken series of photos of my kidneys and bladder, they took a blood sample to see the amount of the substance still in my blood. Then they injected the other solution that accelerated the kidney function and after 20 minutes, they took another blood sample to compare. I was then told to completely empty my bladder and then I was back in the machine for the final photos which took two minutes more. It was not that bad as I expected (I did not get a proper sleep from fear!), I am not allergic to the radioactive substance (yey!). The waiting time for the result is what killing me now. I am so afraid on what they find on my kidneys. 

Why am I asked to undergo this test? Two weeks ago, I was again hospitalized for same reasons like in December last year: UTI. The doctor was but worried, because compared to last year, I went to the hospital on the second day that my fever went up to 40°C, but still the infection was already in my blood. She then suspected kidney infection so she asked her colleague from internal medicine to perform an ultrasound on my kidneys. There he found it, my left kidney is not completely emptied everytime I urinate. They called it kidney congestion. They then consulted a urologist to check the urinary tract. They wanted to first take MRI scans of my kidney and urinary tract (CT is out of question because of my allergies), but the urologist suggested to skip MRI and take the kidney function test so that we already get a full picture in one test and avoid sending me to different tests and hospitals. So there, that's why I had to undergo the radioactive test and as soon as I got the result, I have to go see the urologist.

I just hope it is nothing serious and it can be treated without undergoing any operation. Ich habe langsam Schnauze voll von OPs.