Affe im Kopf

Ang hirap mag-isip ng isusulat. Yung gustong gusto kong magblog pero wala akong maisip na isulat. Yung in one moment, may idea but as soon as I open my blog page, poof! It's gone. Nada!

Gusto ko lang naman maging gaya ng dati etong blog ko, bakit ang hirap hirap? 

A Lot Of Work Ahead

Dinala ko dito yung notebook ko nung teenager ako, where I write down my thoughts in poetry form. I am browsing through it tonight and realized, it's going to be a lot of work bago ko sya maipublish sa blog ko. They need a lot of revisions. But funny, or rather weird, there are around 6 or 7 types of penmanship. It made me think if ako ba talaga sumulat ng mga yun? May penmanship na I can't remember na tnry ko, parang sa ibang tao sya talaga. Then those poems and essays are dated, I felt sad, wala yung tula na sinulat ko spontaneously sa chem lab nung college. Tanda ko lang title nun was our lab room (Lab 14). It was sort of a farewell poem ko sa friends and colleagues ko nung college, I wrote it on our last lab work before finals. Tanda ko lang content but the exact words, di ko na maalala. I described there the types of people in our batch, how diverse our block was, yet we all became friends. I think I compared us to the chemicals, how one person may explode merely by sitting beside the other one. Kung sa logbook ko yun sinulat, then forever bye bye na nga, kasi we had termite problem sa old house sa San Jose and they ate my old books, notebooks and letters. I wish I can write it again... but I know even if I do, it's not the same anymore because the emotions I had writing it back then is not there anymore.

If you love writing poetry, you know what I mean... 

Work in Progress

Two or three days ago, I created a new WP blog. It was intended as my re-introduction sa language tutorial. However, dahil humabol pa ang Spätsommer, at may audio transcriptions pa akong pending, I reverted the blog to private muna. My plan for that is, a language tutorial blog na para lang akong nakikipagchikahan. Kaso dahil nga asa garden pa ko most of the time, yung first two entries ko sounded too dry and formal. Kinuha ko lang kasi yung old posts ko sa Pinays in Germany blog. So as soon as tapos ko na lahat ng transcription projects ko at ang autumn ay 100% andito na, I will sit on that blog. At dahil very casual ang plan ko dun, it will be in taglish, like dito. It will not be like my other WP blogs na englishan ang dating. Actually, unang plan ko dito ko sya gawin (free muna kasi wala akong budget to buy domain for that), kaso nalilito ako sa layout dito. I dunno if possible dito yung categories as menu tabs sa taas ng page (noob lang sa Blogger, sorry 😅). Sa WP kasi possible yun kasi Reena already did that sa layout ng Pinays in Germany, so nakapag-playaround na ko sa editing ng layout and alam ko na where to find it, etc.

Ayun, just sharing my upcoming plans once the cold weather kicks in. I also plan na yun na din unti unting start ko mag-accept ng language learners for tutorial. In any way, I need to earn again, nauubos na savings ko 🙈. So like what Steven Bansil said in one of his vlog, find something that your happy to do, and not because you are forced to do so you won't easily get burnt out working. I think this is mine. Hindi ako pang-vlog, shy ako sa camera, so I will just let my fingers do the talking for me.

Enough with my brain farts for today. I will enjoy the last day of sun for this year. Ciao und bis zum nächsten Mal!

Living in Time of CoViD-19

Today I ranted sa FB page ng Pinays in Germany. Then now I realized, medyo mainit din ulo ko nga kanina. Maybe na-trigger din lang si Kuya kasi nakuha ko pang magpost about Wanderlust Weekend sa panahon ng pandemic kaya maybe kaya nya naisip, mayayaman ang mga nasa Germany. But still, I don't know why such stereotype, na porke carry magtravel, mayaman na? And again, it doesn't give him the right to use F-word sa comment nya and murahin ang Germans in general, for what reason? He said sa comment for being rude and irresponsible, but sa direct message, he mentioned for not being responsive agad just because he is poor and needs help. Di ko nagets ang logic, nakakainit lang ng ulo, hence the rant. I mean, it is okay to ask for help pero bakit ganun ang dating nya, parang kasalanan ng mga taga-Germany bakit may mahihirap, at parang obligasyon ng grupo namin na sagutin agad ang mga messages. Our group is not a charity organization, I started the blog simply as hobby.

Let me explain it here again how unfair these stereotypes towards people living in Germany are. Not because Germany is a first-world country eh automatic mayayaman na lahat ng nakatira dito. Wrong. People must work to be able to eat and afford a place to live. People earn euros, yes malaki palit nito to Philippines pesos, but take note, WE SPEND IN EUROS TOO. So ang kinikita namin, parang sa Pinas din lang at regular kang empleyado, sapat lang sa pang-araw araw na pangangailangan. So saan nanggagaling ang paniniwala na mayayaman ang mga nakatira sa Germany? I still cannot understand where this comes from. Just like in any other countries, we also have beggars, homeless, orphans, families living in homes without heater, old people collecting trash just so they can exchange it for cash and be able to do groceries. Just like any other countries, Germany has also its own sets of issues to face before and during this time of pandemic. I guess, it would be quite helpful to post as well, how Germany handles the pandemic, reasons kung bakit we can still live a near-normal life despite the pandemic. It has nothing to do with being mayaman kaya we can afford to travel locally.

What I've observed on how Germany handles this pandemic:

• There is strict rule of wearing masks when entering establishments and riding public transportation. You're free to remove mask if you are in the open, but make sure you wear one if you know you'd be in direct contact with other people. That's why medyo kinakilabutan ako now sa pinapanood ko na soccer game (DFB Pokal), the coach is not wearing mask and then started discussing with the side referee, yung naiimagine ko he is shouting, and super lapit nya sa referee. I can imagine the droplets flying. I know they are not positive of the virus, but still the fact, na baka on the way to stadium ay baka may unknown contact sila, which makes them unknown carrier and then they start throwing droplets to each other while discussing.
• Business as usual. But establishments are required to strictly follow safety measures, some of which are:
• Restaurants: Servers wearing face shield. Tables, chairs and floors are regularly disinfected. There is a must to consolidate guest information, i.e. name, address and contact number, so it would be easy for contact tracing in case something happens during that visit (for example, one employee tested positive for that day).
• Shops: Customers must wear masks and observe social distancing. In some stores, they distribute chips at the entrance, if there are no more chips available, then they already have reached the limit for number of customers inside and you must wait until somebody comes out again and return the chip. The chip is of course regularly disinfected.
• Hotels: Same rules with restaurant applies. There is also hand disinfectant by the door, so you are expected to disinfect yourself first before going inside.
• Some offices are in full operation. Some have half of their employees on home office, but most are already business as usual. Regular disinfection in the office is expected though and transparency, meaning if you are feeling sick, then don't go to office. If tested positive, then inform the company immediately. Bawal sinungaling.
• I am not quite sure with churches as I am no longer a regular church-goer here. But when I was in Cologne, there was no mass, but I get to see the priests roaming around the cathedral and welcoming the guests. One priest even played the organ for us. The seats are also marked, in one church bench, two ends lang allowed may umupo and then one bench in front and behind you are empty. The entrance and exit doors are also marked, kaya kahit tired na ko maglakad, I was forced to see the whole cathedral because I cannot use the same door I went in to go out. I needed to walk the whole cathedral and follow the rope towards exit.
• Schools are in mixed virtual and physical attendance.
• Vacations are encouraged to be only within Germany. Those who will travel outside of Germany, esp. those who went to high risk countries, are required to subject themselves to swab test upon arrival and it is at their own costs. Failure to do so means paying fine of €25,000.00! 
• People losing their jobs due to this pandemic receive social help. But it is not a social help like ayuda in Philippines. That money, called Arbeitslosengeld, was already paid by the person before. It is part of the many salary deductions we have. Freelancing is also a thing nowadays, a little project from time to time can also be a big help financially.
• People in contact with a positive patient but no symptoms are advised to do home quarantine, no test. If with symptoms, then they will be tested. If symptoms are worsened, i.e. problem with breathing, then time to go to the hospital. You see, wala din talagang mass testing na nagaganap, we just rely and hope that an individual is sensitive and disciplined enough na wag lumabas ng bahay if they think they had direct contact. 

As you can see. New normal is doable. Kailangan lang ng disiplina at matutong dumiskarte at makuntento sa kung anong meron. If the government is not initiating anything, maybe about time to make it as people's initiative, for the good of all people. Pointing fingers will not help in this time of pandemic. 

I Live to Inspire

 For quite a while now, especially whenever depression gets the control over me, I have been asking the universe, why am I still here? Why did I wake up again after that almost a month of slumber after my operation in 2017? Why do I still live, if living means being not able to do stuff I used to do before? It has always been my question since I woke up from coma in 2017. My therapists and nurses all kept on telling me, "you are still here because you have a mission." But what is that? I can't seem to find the reason no matter how hard I search...

Until today when I had a chat with a distant relative in Australia in connection to my Facebook post last Thursday. 

Last Thursday was literally Throwback Thursday for me. I was cleaning my external hard drive and saw photos from 2017 that didn't make it online. Photos after I woke up. Because I was still chained to lots of cables and was wearing hospital dress, I opted not to share it before. One, to not shock my family further because they had enough shock the moment I didn't wake up after the operation and two, I felt so ugly there. But last Thursday was different. In my mind, I said "so what if I am ugly on these pictures, I wanted them to see how I fought the battle." I kept on posting about my sickness, but I am not sure if they really know how the battle really looked like. So just to give people an idea what and how I looked like, I posted the 3 photos I had. It was for me just some sort of reminiscing, and thanking all my prayer warriors around the world because of them, the One Above gave me another life. It was literally "just another Facebook post" for me. 

Little did I know, it was more for somebody I know dearly.

Ate is currently facing her own battles. She did not mention what it is, but she has been doubting herself and her strength and the grace of the Lord. She has a son and he's still small, hence all these anxieties. She said, in the middle of her anxiety attack, my post showed up on her timeline as the first one. Then she pulled herself back and determined to fight. She told herself, "Cy did it. She has been battling a lot since a little girl and she continues to win each fight. So what do I have for an excuse to give up now? If she made it, so can I." She told me that I am a living testimony of how vast God's love is for us, that even the impossible can still be possible in God's grace.

Her words opened my mind why I am still here. 

I am here to continue to inspire. There are a lot out there who are at the verge of giving up. And the reason why I am given a second life is to remind these people that God's grace is endless. That God answers prayers. That nothing is impossible to Him if we only fervently pray. That we should not doubt Him. He is there. We may not feel His presence, but He is at work.

Hence, from now on, I can also easily fight my depression by telling myself, 

I am here to fight until the end. I will not just sit and let the enemy destroy me. I will make sure I am giving it a good fight. I'd rather die in the battlefield fighting until the end, until my last breath. 

And you who's reading this, should think the same way too! Life is beautiful! :)  

A Trip to Cologne, Germany

 Last month, we had a short trip to Cologne. I may hurt a few of you with my words, but Cologne is not my city. I know a lot of Filipinos who live in Cologne, or dreams to live in Cologne. Sadly, I am not one of you. The Cathedral of Cologne has always been in my bucket list, and now that I already visited it, I got no more reasons to go back to Cologne. The cathedral is definitely a place you have to see at least once in your life.  (You can find the photos I took of Cologne Cathedral in my Tumblr page, just click here.) 

Kölner Dom

I think it has to do that I have always loved the country side. Cologne is too chaotic for me. It is pandemic and yet I was overwhelmed with how many people are roaming around the city. It was quite too much for an introvert like me. We rode the Kölner Seilbahn and took a walk at Rheinpark. However, we find the park like a desert: despite the heat of the summer, we can't find not even a small kiosk where we can get some drinks. 

The city just lacks luster for me, aside from Cologne Cathedral (and Hard Rock Cafe), I don't know what else is worth to see in that city. 

Hubby and I outside Hard Rock Cafe

My stepson, Tim, met up with us at Hard Rock Cafe for dinner,
he's the reason why we went to Köln

Saw this at the Schaufenster of Tourist Information

It made me appreciate Frankfurt am Main more. Frankfurt is a city of vielfalt: business streets, historical sites, churches and cathedral, shopping alleys, university, streets for party and booze, museums, and more. 

Dear Friend,

Napakasaya kong mabasa ang mga pagbabago sa buhay mo. Happy to see you succeed and your family growing. Ang laki na ng panganay mo. Nakakatuwa. 

At nakakamiss din ang nakaraan.

Yung dati na araw-araw nating pagkkwentuhan, be it in form of text messages, YM chats o personal man sa work. Yun yung mga panahon na I was healing from a very bad relationship. Dahil sayo, na-enjoy ko single life. Yung tipong, never kong kinaawaan sarili ko for being single, kasi masaya ko sa circle of friends ko na single din, at isa ka dun. Naalala ko, may blog din ako noon purely about you, nung knwento ko na may German bf na ko. Ngayon narealize ko bakit ka umiwas for a while. You felt betrayed kasi di tayo sabay umalis sa singlehood, iniwan kita sa ere (sorry naman). Then nagkita tayo sa DFA nung nagrenew ako ng passport, at what a coincidence na ikaw din. Nakwento mong wala ka na din sa singlehood, pero mas advanced pa din status ko, kasi married na ako nun. But that day, nakita ko kung gaano ka kasaya to have her, and tama ako, kita mo naman ngayon, 2 na chikiting nyo! We planned to meet again para makilala ko sya, plano was after ng out of the country trip nyo, kaso umalis na ko.

Seriously now, gusto ko lang pasalamatan ka sa napakagandang memories. At kahit na ang chats natin ay limited na ngayon sa pagbati ng "happy birthday" at "merry Christmas" sa isa't isa, ramdam ko pa din na isa ka pa din sa mga taong matatawag kong tunay na kaibigan. 

Promise na talaga, sa sunod na uwi namin, meet up na tayo, bago pa maging 5 ang anak nyo.

Tandaan mo, andito lang ako, friends for life, tik! ;-) 

Wir können nicht alle alles

Ein schöner Spruch, was ich aus dem Buch "Geflügelte Wörter" heute gelesen habe. Es ist eine kleine Botschaft für mich, dass es unmöglich ist, alle Dinge zu wissen und zu können, und es ist okay. Es ist okay, weil es normal ist. Klar, es gibt Genie, die viele Dinge beherrschen, aber immerhin, sie können auch nicht behaupten, alles zu wissen und zu können. Es gibt immer Luft nach oben. 

Oft bin ich sehr enttäuscht von mir, wenn ich manche Aufgabe nicht schaffe. Immer wenn es passiert, ich denke, ich sei so blöd und krieche ich an der Ecke und will nicht mehr raus. Es ist enttäuschend, aber es ist falsch von mir, mich als schlecht zu beurteilen. Denn ich bin nicht blöd. Es ist halt nicht meine Stärke, und es ist okay. Ich kann mich immer noch verbessern. Ich kann weiterlernen, weiterentwickeln, bis ich es eines Tages auch kann. Und selbst wenn der Tag kommt, wenn ich es schon kann, ich kann immer noch nicht behaupten, dass ich schon alles kann. Denn da sind immer noch andere Dinge, die ich nicht kann, und für solche Dinge, ich werde immer andere Menschen gebrauchen. Menschen, die diese Dinge wissen und können. Und dieselbe Menschen werden mich auch für die Dinge, die sie nicht wissen und können, gebrauchen. So funktioniert die Welt.

Filipinos Learning German

I posted in my previous article that we have a Facebook group for this purpose. But in this post, I wanted more to motivate my kababayans who are struggling in learning this language.

Because German language is one of the requirements when applying for long-term visa to Germany, a lot of my fellow Filipinos find learning this language difficult or stressful. But my dear kababayans, wag kayong matakot at mawalan ng pag-asa. Pinagdaanan ko din lahat ng pinagdaanan nyo and I am proud to say, medyo bihasa ko na ang lenggwaheng ito. I was even able to land 2 jobs in customer service for German-speaking countries. Kaya kung kinaya ko, alam kong kayang kaya nyo din!

Eto ang mapapayo ko para sa inyo:

• Manood ng mga children's programs. Nung bago ako dito sa Germany, naging habit ko na ang manood ng Sendung mit der Maus. During holidays, lalo Christmas season, may mga fairy tale movies din sa ARD and ZDF, so pinapanood ko din yun. Ngayon na uso ang Netflix at Amazon Prime Video, kung nasa Germany na kayo, try to watch animes and other cartoons AUF DEUTSCH. Mukhang mahirap intindihin sa una, but in due time, you'd be surprised, tatawa na din kayo sa mga scenes.
• Magbasa ng mga blogs, news articles, story books in German. Still a beginner? Then try children's books. Madaming children's books sa Amazon. Medyo asa B1 level na kayo? Check mga teenager books or mga chick lit sa Amazon. They are all easy readings for you.
• Practice speaking. Join groups gaya ng Facebook group namin, at maghanap ng tandem partner among members. Create chat groups with fellow Filipinos learning the language at dun magpractice magsalita. But still, best practice pa din ang makipag-usap with Germans in German. They can help you with the pronunciation pati na din kung ano ang tamang word na gagamitin in every situation. Kalimutan ang hiya, I'm telling you, Germans are very proud and they will love you if they hear na you are exerting effort to learn the language. They will be very happy to help you with your journey in mastering the language.

The only secret in mastering this language is continuous use of it. Hindi mo maaattain ang fluency na gusto mo kung sa loob lang ng classroom mo ito ginagamit.

By the way, I am open in helping you too in learning the language. I used to offer tutorial but due to health reasons, itinigil ko muna eto. Pero kung may demand, baka mag-offer uli ako in the near future. For now, I am open to checking your writings, and to practice speaking in German with you. Just look for me sa FB group (link above).

Where to Find Filipinos in Germany Online

Way back in 2013, I posted about my search for Pinoy bloggers in Germany. It was also the time I started the Pinays in Germany blog. It started na ako lang nagbblog (hence the URL is singular), until I met a few Filipinas sa Facebook group and reunited online with an A1 classmate back in Goethe Institut so I eventually invited them to write with me, kaya naging plural na ang blog title. I also posted in 2013 na I found a local Filipino community near me. Di na ko pumupunta sa community meet ups lalo after ng scoliosis operation ko, medyo anstrengend sa akin ang matagal na nakaupo but the members there are already my family here, lalo yung malapit sa amin nakatira. Naging tita-titahan ko na sya and already part of our extended family in Batangas, kasi from Batangas din sila. So my family back home ay very thankful din sa kanilang mag-asawa for treating me like their own family dito sa Germany.

Anyway, my purpose with this blog post is to update you guys about the Filipino groups I am part of ONLINE. Number one is of course our blog. Here are other Facebook groups I am a member and/or admin:

• Pinay in Deutschland - a group about just anything (I am one of the admins)
• Kusina ng mga Pinays in Deutschland - a group for food blogs and cooking/baking tips (I am one of the admins)
• Study and Work in Germany for Filipinos - a group related to working and studying in Germany (I am one of the admins)
• Wikang Aleman para sa mga Pinay in Deutschland - a group related to learning German language (I am one of the admins)
• Filipino Students, Alumni and Academics in Germany (FSAAG) - a group of Filipino students and alumni, I am not an admin but highly recommended for Filipino students and researchers in Germany

So if you are also a Filipino living in Germany, or planning to move to Germany, you are welcome to join our group/s to meet other Filipinos. I am more active there than in my blogs, so see you there!

I' m Different

There is this trend on Facebook wherein you ask yoir friends to comment on your post the words 'I love you', to see who among your friends love you. I did not participate on that. I participated on the one asking about memorable events or places that I have shared with them, but to tell someone those three words is totally different.

Or maybe I am different.

For me those words are very strong, I can't just run around telling it to everyone. For me, the only people who deserve those words from me are the people who were there during my lowest and darkest hours. I care about all of my friends, but I don't love all of them. I miss them. I worry about them. I cherish them, but I don't feel real love for them. 

I may be cold, but maybe I am just really different.

The same is true for me when it comes to saying 'I am sorry'. Not that it is difficult for me to admit my mistake, but sometimes, I really meant to hurt them because they hurt me. It is like I wanted them to understand how much they hurt me to the point that I don't really care if it would end our friendship. Call it ego, but maybe I am just being true to my feelings.

I am human. I have learned to make my brain and heart work together. Yes, life is short, but I don't really mind if there are only 3 people on my funeral. At least I know those people are real and I know those people are the ones I really love and have said the words 'I love you' and 'I am sorry' to them a thousand times.

Better Than Expected

I posted yesterday that I am quite nervous about my upcoming medical test. Well, that test is to test if my kidneys function well. It wasn't that bad, the doctor was a "sharp shooter" and was able to find a good vein right away for my access. That is always my nightmare whenever I have an upcoming check up, blood test and hospital admission. It is always a torture to find a good vein on my arms or hands, more often than not, it takes 6-7 pricks until they find the vein. Today, was different. My vein tried to hide again as soon as she pricked, but she was able to find it again, so it was just one prick, yey!

What or how did the test went? I still have to wait for one week though for the result, but the procedure was easier than I expected. Because of my deadly allergic reaction to CT-scan dye, I already fear getting inside the nuclear medicine department. It feels like everything there can kill me. Since this test is new to me, I have fears that I am also allergic to whatever substance they would inject me to see my kidneys. I was wrong, it is radioactive (still flushing it out of my system up to this time), but not too radioactive and expected to be completely out of my system tomorrow. There is no dye during the test, just the radioactive substance and afterwards a solution that reanimates the kidney function. Twenty minutes after I got the radioactive substance in my body and taken series of photos of my kidneys and bladder, they took a blood sample to see the amount of the substance still in my blood. Then they injected the other solution that accelerated the kidney function and after 20 minutes, they took another blood sample to compare. I was then told to completely empty my bladder and then I was back in the machine for the final photos which took two minutes more. It was not that bad as I expected (I did not get a proper sleep from fear!), I am not allergic to the radioactive substance (yey!). The waiting time for the result is what killing me now. I am so afraid on what they find on my kidneys. 

Why am I asked to undergo this test? Two weeks ago, I was again hospitalized for same reasons like in December last year: UTI. The doctor was but worried, because compared to last year, I went to the hospital on the second day that my fever went up to 40°C, but still the infection was already in my blood. She then suspected kidney infection so she asked her colleague from internal medicine to perform an ultrasound on my kidneys. There he found it, my left kidney is not completely emptied everytime I urinate. They called it kidney congestion. They then consulted a urologist to check the urinary tract. They wanted to first take MRI scans of my kidney and urinary tract (CT is out of question because of my allergies), but the urologist suggested to skip MRI and take the kidney function test so that we already get a full picture in one test and avoid sending me to different tests and hospitals. So there, that's why I had to undergo the radioactive test and as soon as I got the result, I have to go see the urologist.

I just hope it is nothing serious and it can be treated without undergoing any operation. Ich habe langsam Schnauze voll von OPs.

Quite Nervous

Tomorrow I have another medical test to undergo and am quite nervous. This time it has to do with my left kidney. My family back home doesn't know it, I just told it to my cousin in Qatar and California, but I think, my aunt in California already know as well. But am not worried because she doesn't have any social media account, hence am sure my mom will never know it from her. 

I just hope and pray it isn't serious and can be cured with normal medication 🙏.

Was Bisher Geschah

I just imported all my blog posts from Wordpress back here, back in my old home. I dunno, being in Wordpress was not bad, but I think, here is my home. There are some posts that were not imported, because of formatting maybe, I will repair those posts in the coming days. For now, my personal blogs at Wordpress are no longer visible to the world, because the posts are here anyway.

You might be asking, what have I done in the past years. My official last post here was in 2013 saying I am officially a student. Well my WP posts may help you find the answers where I have been, but they are quite a lot, so here's a summary of what I've done in the past until today:

• 2013 - as I posted before, I was officially a student again. It was for winter semester here, I started attending DSH Vorbereitungskurs, it is a German language course that foreign students need to pass before they can officially attend the actual university program. I passed the DSH exam with DSH 2 grade, just enough to get started in the program of my choice.
• Summer semester of 2014, I had to take a semester leave. Why? I had my scoliosis implant in April 2014. I was in the hospital for like 7 days, the healing took me around 3 months before I got used to the new feeling at my back. My implant is from thoracic down to lumbar (Th4 to L4). I am doing good so far with my scoliosis, quite limited with movement, but no more pain during winter.
• Winter semester of 2014/15, I am back in the university. My average from UST was below the accepted average to start in Master program, plus I am lacking credit points, so yes, I started back in bachelor program. It was not bad at all since the medium of instruction is in German, so I got a chance to learn German words in chemistry and relearn all that I had learned back in UST in German. I also get to train my German technical writing. It's interesting to know too, that here in Germany, we had to finish a seminar about laboratory safety and waste management for like 2 months, then take the exam and pass it. Only those who passed the exam are allowed to enter the laboratory and work. I passed the exam in 1 take. I am proud to say that we are only 3 foreign students who passed it in one take (2 others are Japanese or Vietnamese boy and an Indian girl who grew up in Germany). Those who failed are given a second chance to take the exam and if they still fail, then they have to wait for another year to re-attend the seminar and take the exam again (the seminar is only once a year).
• However, by February 2015, shortly before exam days, I fell sick. It was flu but took me around 2 or 3 weeks before I was back on my feet. Hence, I had to withdraw from all exams, I was not prepared. It means, not moving forward to next lectures if the exam was a pre-requisite. Luckily, the exam for General Chemistry was not a pre-requisite for the next semester, I can attend the next lecture as normal. I then started with laboratory works during semester break (yes! no semester break for me since I took physics lab during the semester and decided to take chemistry lab during semester break).  However, I felt I was not yet 100% fit. I almost collapsed during an experiment. My chinese friend asked me if maybe, I was pregnant. I didn't think about it being possible. I went  to our family doctor and he just advised, I needed a rest. If I drop out of laboratory class, that means waiting another year, general chem laboratory class is a pre-requisite to get into the following semester's laboratory classes (analytical chem lab). It felt like my dreams were shattered. I was so happy being back in chemistry. I am really challenged, esp.my colleagues are young and fresh from Gymnasium,and I had my bachelor diploma 10 years ago. I love challenges. I love the pressure to solve calculus problems as fast as I can before somebody in the class solve it. I enjoy attending lectures and seminars and solve chemistry problems again. Then, I was told I need a rest. I am afraid to change my circle of friends, hence I went to my lab professor and said am dropping out of the program completely. He was sad, asked that maybe I just need another semester break, I said I already had one before WS and I am not getting younger, I cannot wait another year to start all over (I was already 31 that time!). I dropped out of the chemistry program and shifted to German studies with minor in Philosophy and History of Science (I just can't leave science behind!).
• Before the semester break ends, since I already dropped out of chemistry program, we had a vacation at Baltic Sea, in the island of Usedom. It is my husband's birthplace. We spent a week there. And it was also perfect timing that the result for my naturalization came and I renounced my Filipino citizenship the time we were up north (Usedom is around 3 or 4 hours drive to Berlin). Renunciation was the final step before they can release my certificate and grant me my new citizenship. I am officially a German since April 1st 2015.
• Summer semester starts at around April, so I am out of chemistry program already. Another colleague from chemistry also shifted to German studies. Another one I saw in law school. So our original class in chemistry was halved after a semester. Some failed the safety exam hence were forced to drop out earlier, and others were like me, the pressure and workload in chemistry was just too much and decided to take a different path the following semester. My new program was indeed more relaxed. I registered for lecture in modern German literature, introduction to philosophy, seminar for modern German literature, seminar for linguistics, philosophy seminar, latin course and I still have lots of time for my husband. I really enjoyed the program too, since I love reading. The challenge is different, it has nothing to do with numbers anymore, but it challenged me to think, to establish my own thesis/ philosophy. It was interesting and fun!
• June 2015, again just few more weeks to exam days, I fell sick. This time, it was not a normal flu. I was rushed in the hospital for excruciating pain on my left breast. The pain is like being stabbed with a knife, I can feel it till my back. I thought it was my scoliosis implant, that maybe I did something wrong. I remember carrying lots of books back home that I borrowed from the library to work on my review notes for the upcoming exams. It turned out, my aorta dissected and at the same time, an aortic aneurysm is growing. I had an emergency operation then to have a stent implant to close the dissection and stop the growth of the aneurysm. That operation meant giving up university all together, because we found out that it won't be the first of the many operations I have to go through.
• December 2015 I had another operation, again for stent implant. My aorta dissected further, hence they needed to extend the stent, and at the same time I had this "Schaufenster Syndrom", I have difficulty with my legs after standing for some minutes, so they also needed to put a stent at the artery at my right leg.
• February 2016, I had a talk with a geneticist and confirmed, I have Marfan syndrome. And if one mutation is not worse enough, it is a double mutation in my part, making my arteries more fragile than ever. Also early in 2016, after a check on my stent, my doc advised us to seek advice of RWTH Aachen Vascular Director regarding the repair of my aortic aneurysm.
• December 2016 we finally got an appointment at RWTH Aachen and the director and contact person for Marfan syndrome told me, that we need to repair the aneurysm as soon as possible. He gave us this prognosis: if not repaired, 80% chance that the aneurysm will burst in next 2 years and I only have 20 Minutes to get me in emergency operation (and from where we live, the hospital could never perform an emergency aortic aneurysm operation, I need to be flown and that means 30minutes travel time, hence, it would then be too late if it bursts), 20% that I will live more than 2 years with aneurysm. But if I get a planned operation, the chances can be reversed, i.e. 80% chances of living a longer life. That's why we chose to set an appointment for the next big operation.
• May 2017 was my planned TAAA repair operation. My aorta was replaced/ repaired and all arteries going to all internal organs and spine are repaired and sown. Imagine a tree and you decided to crochet around the main trunk and the branches. That was how the repair was done. And yes, my body gave up after 12 hours of operation. I did not wake up at the expected time. Then my lungs started to collapse. The doctors needed to put me in artificial coma. I was in coma for almost a month. My husband said, the doctors were giving up, the machine was the only thing that keeps me alive. They said, if I wake up, I am totally paralyzed and with complete memory loss. They scanned my brain and they are not happy with what they saw. They were asking for my husband's decision, my husband said to give me another week. I can remember waking up in June with no voice and very thirsty. I was on ventilator. I cannot move my body, not even my fingers. But I can remember that I was scheduled for operation, my only question upon waking up was, why does the calendar says "June 7". Then I saw my husband crying at my side, because I smiled at him. He said, my smile was a sign that I did not lose my memory. Doctors and nurses said I was a miracle. And I believe them.
• August 2017 I was released from the RWTH Aachen but I have to spend months in a rehabilitation clinic. Because I was in artificial coma for quite a while, I could not walk without a walker. I also fell in the hospital twice, despite walker, my knees just stop to cooperate suddenly. I stayed in rehabilitation clinic until November 2017.
• December 2018 we flew for vacation in the Philippines and I spent 3 months with my family again. After what happened to me in 2017, we thought it was good to see my family again, who I thought I would never see again.
• Also in December 2018 I started to work fulltime again, but from home. First client, I stayed for only about 4 months, the stress was too much.
• November 2019 I found another fulltime job but I had to quit early this year again, because I was again hospitalized in December (I had to spend my birthday and Christmas in the hospital!) due to sepsis and after that, I felt not really back 100%, hence I resigned in February 2020.
• March onwards, we all have same battle to face: CoViD-19. I stay at home most of the time because I am very prone to get it. After all that happened in 2017, my immune system is very weak.

That's what I have been through all these years. I am still battling with my health. There are days I can walk without walker, but there are moments I still need my walker, or at least a walking stick (but I prefer Nordic walking sticks because I have problem with balance). I still get tired easily. Life is totally not the same anymore like how it was before. I have to give up lots of my dreams. But then, my motto on this blog is "Life is beautiful", hence I am trying to fight the monster (I get depressive at times) each day and see the positive side on why I am still here, why am I given a second life. It is not easy. But then, don't all of us has cross to carry? Mine is my health. And I am slowly accepting it.

Wie Peinlich!

I backread all my posts from 2007 here, and all I can say is "wie peinlich!" or in Tagalog "nakakahiya!" I got lots of grammatical errors and I realized, at the age of 24, my articles are too childish!

Not that I have changed alot, am still childish and my grammar is still not perfect, but I guess, now I think more before I share anything online. However, it also means lesser posts because I tend not to overshare my life anymore.

Help Me Find My Way

I am quite ashamed of myself. I recently found a job that is, I think, fits well with my lifestyle. Being seriously sick for the past years, even in artificial coma for almost a month, it is difficult for me to travel to work nor to work fulltime. Hence, I accepted more freelancing projects over Upwork and German language tutorials… type of work that I can do in the comforts of our home. However, we came to a point when we need more financially, and I found a non-voice-work-from-home customer service/ technical support job. I accepted it despite the contra that it is a fulltime job (I am not really sure if I am really ready for a fulltime, actually). The job itself is fun, but I am reminded why I left the call center world 13 years ago: the company demands make me crazy, not the customers. I enjoy being of help to customers, but I am having difficulty adhering to what the company expects from agents, especially the stats. And now, here I am, torn between resigning and staying.

It is not only the pressure with the statistics that makes me uneasy the past few days. It is more the fact that, I am aging, yet I don’t know what I really want to achieve in life. I am 36 and yet, I achieved nothing. It is always the same: I get to find a job and realize after a few months that it is not for me, that I am unhappy, so I set off again to find a new job and everything repeats. I don’t feel confident to meet my high school and university mates because they all have achieved something, one way or another, while here I am, still asking the same question I was asked when I was 18: what do I want to be?

I am 36 and yet I don’t know what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I feel so lost and don’t know where nor how to start. My husband kept on saying that my triumph over my aortic aneurysm and aortic dissection (reasons why I was in artificial coma) is such a great achievement already for I have lost a few acquaintances back in the Philippines for exactly the same sickness: aneurysm. However, I still don’t know why I survived it and why am I given a second chance to life. I feel so lost and I don’t know what I really want to do in my life. How I wish life comes with a manual, or that at least the directions are clearly written up there in the clouds. So I will know how to start and where to go.

*random find from Pinterest*

I am in that mood again when I just want to be gone. Everything and everyone around me just nerves me the last time. I wanted to be in a place far, far away from my family. A place where no one knows me. I just need a place to work that would be enough for me to buy my food and my maintenance medication. But where can I go? Who can offer me a job with all my health issues? I am damned. I am stuck in this life for the rest of my life. I need to learn the art of "not giving a damn", of not caring at all, of just doing my personal routine and dismiss everyone else. I sometimes wonder why did I wake up from my coma? Why didn't I just die that day, when my daily life is just going to be this hell.

This is tiring. People say they understand me. But no, they are wrong. Nobody can really understand how I feel, how dark is it inside of me. This is not the life I wished to live.

Confused

trying to learn

the art of

speaking without words,

feeling without emotion,

to understand the world

without any explanation.

but i'm failing

and time is running.

soon i'm gone

and i still didn't find

the answer to my question

what life is.

Relationship Goal

Lately, I have read an anonymous letter in a forum of Filipinas married with another nationality and she has issues on infidelity of her husband. She's pregnant so she thought it is partly her fault why her husband is in search of another woman, because he has sexual needs that she can't satisfy. I felt sad and angry on how she argumented to "justify" her husband's infidelity, because she partly said she's okay with it, because she can't satisfy him as long as the baby is still in her.

I was in almost the same situation. Four years ago, I was diagnosed with thoracic aneurysm and aortic dissection, and it is due to a genetic disease I never knew I have. I was devastated, depressed, because I was a ticking bomb. I told my husband, if he meets somebody else, I would understand, at least I know he is taken cared of in case I pass away. I kept on telling him that for two long years until my biggest operation in 2017 to close the aneurysm. On the day before my operation, I told him, if I don't survive it, I want him to move on right away and find a woman who would take care of him for the rest of his life. I survived the operation, but I was in coma. Doctors asked his permission to shut down the machines because they don't see any hopes anymore. He begged them another week.... and I woke up.

Up to this time, I have moments of anxiety attacks, but he is still there. I asked him once, why is he not letting go. My husband said, the day he asked for my hand, he told himself, "this girl will be my partner for better or worse, in sickness and in health, her pains will be my pains and her happiness will be mine. No matter what happen, I will never let go of her until my last breath. Because I love her and she completes me". He said, even if we are both busy with our computer games at night and exchanges only a few words, the fact that he knows and feels I am in the same room with him and I am physically well make him complete and happy.

You see, if a guy really loves you, no matter how hard you push them away, they will not leave you just like that. They will not give in to temptation just because you can't satisfy him. Fights are part of every relationship, even ours, we do fight, but we always choose to compromise. We look for solution to close our arguments, we don't throw hurtful words to each other, we keep distance and then when we are both ready, we talk and solve the problem together. Divorce was brought up once, but we both agreed in the end that it is not a solution, rather just an escape goat to face what is really trying to tear us apart. So we put our ego down and compromised. Staying in love is a lifetime decision. Not because the other person is lacking, the other will look for another person just to fill in. If that is the case, sadly but I don't think both parties have found their true love with each other. In this case, then letting go from both sides is the best to save themselves from hurting each other.