I Could Not Ask For More

Last weekend, I had my depression once again and this time told my husband we should file a divorce because it is too much for him and I want him happiness. He stared at me and said, "we'd talk about it when you're in normal state again." I insisted that I am in normal state, that I already thought of packing ny things up, and fly back to the Philippines and never come back again. Hat time, I felt like a burden for him because of ny sickness that I wanted him to search for his real happiness. His answer was simply, "but you are my happiness." And I just cried.

In this era, I guess finding a man like my husband is next to impossible. A man who stays firm to his words when he married you. A man who despite the challenges, would never ever give up on you. A man whoremains rational when you start to be irrational. A man who doesn't get mad when you are mad, instead tries to find a way to bring you to laughter despite the anger you are showing. A man who will not spoil you with material things, but will spoil you with tender, loving care and show you that unconditional love is true. A man who remains strong when you are at your weakest. A man who is willing to sacrifice himself, and his earthly desires just to make sure he gets to keep you for the rest of his life.

I am very thankful I found such a guy. Just like an old song says, "I have all what I've been waiting for, and I could not ask for more."

My Chaotic Mind: My Blog Comeback Story

Funny that I deleted my personal blog last year (cywussow.wordpress.com) out of frustration and depression. By the time that my health went down really fast, that I had to give up my studies and spend most of my days in the hospital, I thought "this is the end, I have to slowly shut down my cyberlife so that husband doesn't have anything to worry when I am gone." And so I started deleting Facebook accounts, WordPress and Tumblr blogs, LinkedIn account and multiple email addresses. I already accepted my fate, I already gave up. The only accounts that remained were my email address linked to my university email, the group blog for Filipinos living/ wanting to live in Germany and my Twitter. But my husband is the most optimistic person I've ever met. Without him, I may have succumbed completely to depression, if not because of my rare disease. He told me to continue fighting, and that I should not give up because he is never going to give up. Honestly, I challenged him for divorce because I don't want to be a burden for him, but he didn't accept it and reminded me of our wedding vow: "in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer...". He is indeed the greatest gift I have ever had in my life.

And now, here I am, creating a brand new online journal. At first I thought of this as an awareness blog for Marfan Syndrome,  but then I realized that there are already multiple support groups here in Germany, and even if I target fellow Filipinos, my goal will remain unreachable because I am thousands of kilometers away from Philippines, and I honestly no longer have contact with my cardiologist uncles to help me start an organization. After my last post about lists of Marfan Foundations and hospitals, I was left with the question "what now?". So I did a little editing on this blog, changed the blog title, converted the About page to a blog post, edited category names, a little changes on header and voila! It is again a blog that speaks about just everything in my short life. The new blog title is the rebirth of my first-ever-now-gone-Blogspot blog. Funny that after all the multiple blog trials I did since 2005 (blogged with multiple accounts in Blogspot, Tumblr, Weebly, and WordPress), I would end up with the (almost) similar blog title of my first blog. The URL though is brand new because my past URLs are already gone for good. That said, I admit, I have really a chaotic mind, I can't just stay satisfied with one thing (except in relationship, that's the only time I settle for one for the rest of my life), and I can't blame you if you were my followers before and you no longer want to follow now because I might delete this again in the future. That might be true, I can't assure you that this is really the last one. My mind is in chaos because there are a lot of things I want to accomplish before my time is up. There are thoughts that keep on swirling and I just want them put into words in any way possible.

So let me just be me in this small world of mine in the cyberworld.

Why Me?

Note: I will be posting in Taglish (Tagalog-English) because I really want to pour my emotions out.

Kahit na puno ng positivity ang last post ko, at puno ng hope ang bawat tulang sinulat ko, aaminin ko, mas madami ang depression moments ko mula nang malaman kong may aneurysm ako. First, andun yung takot ko noon, takot na hindi ko malalampasan yung operasyon, takot na yun na ang katapusan. Ang dami kong luhang iniiyak, kasi hindi pa ako handa. Hindi ako handang iwanan ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Aaminin ko, ilang beses, at hanggang ngayon, paulit ulit kong tinatanong, "bakit ako?". Why me, of all people in the world. I know I am not the nicest person on earth, pero hindi din naman siguro ako ang pinakamakasalanan. After nung first operation ko, labas-masok ako sa hospital dahil sa complications, at promise, sumuko na ko. Ayoko na, hirap na hirap na ako sa sakit, sa hindi maipaliwanag ng agham na pinagmumulan ng lahat nung sakit. Okay ang CT-scans, pero laging may masakit. Tatlong araw lang ang itinatagal ko lagi sa bahay, ambulansya na ang naging sasakyan ko, kulang na lang yung hospital address na ang ipalagay ko sa federal ID ko. Itinatanong ko sa asawa ko, bakit ako, kasi baka may maisasagot sya, gaya ng mga panahong inaaral ko ang history ng Germany at ng Europe, may handang sagot sya lagi, pero wala syang naibigay na sagot, at ang sakit para sa aming dalawa. Para sa akin kasi di ko alam anong mangyayari bukas or sa makalawa. Para sa kanya kasi nakikita nya akong walang gana sa kahit anong bagay, laging depressed, laging nasa kwarto, tulala sa kisame. Hinahatak nya ako laging maglakad lakad, para may iba akong maisip, binibili nya lahat ng matripan ko, kesehodang pambata man yun. Andyan yung bumili ng PS4 at kung ano anong laro para maaliw daw ako pag nasa work sya. Kumpleto ko na ang coloring books ni Millie Marrota, yung kay Johanna Basford kulang lang ako ng isa, at kung ano anong coloring books pa ng iba't ibang publishing house, may 19 na ata etong coloring books sa shelf ko. Pag napapadpad kami sa bookstore, minimum 3 books lagi ang bitbit ko pauwi, kahit halos wala akong nababasa sa kanila, napupuno lang yung shelf ko, hindi naman nabubuklat. Pero hindi sya tumitigil, basta daw makakabawas sa depression ko, hindi sya magdadalawang isip bilihin. I am the luckiest girl alive kung asawa ang pagbabasehan. He is always there at my side, and takes really good care of me. Pero may araw talaga na feeling ko ako na ang pinakamalas na tao sa mundo. Ang sakit talaga tanggapin na ako ang may karamdaman na ganito. But ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? Embryo pa lang ako andito na sya, sooner or later talagang lalabas at lalabas ang symptoms. All I can do is to accept my fate, fight the negative thoughts and try to look forward. Ang hirap, pero kelangan kong gawin. Nagpaplano ako for days ahead of me, months, even years, kahit na walang kasiguruhan kung ilang araw, buwan o taon pa ang nalalabi para sa akin. I continue to write my plans and dreams, because those things makes me feel more optimistic, it gives me a tinge of hope to hold on and continue the fight.

Sabi nga ng kaibigan ko dito, laban lang ng laban, walang sukuan!

Marfan Organizations and Centers

PHILIPPINES:

still searching for Marfan Foundations (comments are highly appreciated!) but you can go to Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City to get checked at an affordable price compared to St. Luke's.

GERMANY:
Marfan Hilfe: www.marfan.de

(the following hospitals and clinics are from the Marfan Hilfe website)

Städt. Krankenhaus Dresden-Neustadt e.V.
Industriestraße 40
01129 Dresden
Telefon: 0351 / 8 56 0
(Kinder u. Jugendliche bis 17 Jahren)

zusammen mit:

Herzzentrum Universität Leipzig
Klinik f. Herzchirurgie
Strumpellstr. 39
04289 Leipzig
Terminvereinbarung: 0341 / 865 - 1421
Sprechstunde: 7.00 - 19.00 Uhr
Ansprechpartner: Prof. Dr. med. F. W. Mohr

Deutsches Herzzentrum Berlin u. Charité
Augustenburger Platz 1
13353 Berlin
Tel.: 030 / 4593 - 2320
Ansprechpartner. Fr. P. Gehle
marfan@dhzb.de

Universitäres Herzzentrum Hamburg GmbH
Kardiologische Zentralambulanz
Gebäude O 70
Martinistraße 52
20246 Hamburg
Terminvereinbarung:
Erwachsene: Tel. 040-74105-3990
Kinder: Tel. 040-74105-2719
Ansprechpartner: Prof. Dr. Yskert v. Kodolitsch,
Dr. Meike Rybczynski, Dr. Sara Sheikhzadeh
Ansprechpartner Kinder: PD Dr. Th. Mir
marfan@uke.de

Universitätsklinikum Schleswig-Holstein
Campus Lübeck
Klinik für Herzchirurgie - Ambulanz
Marfan-Sprechstunde
Ratzeburger Allee 160
23538 Lübeck
Terminvereinbarung Fr. Meyer: 0451 / 500-6331
Ansprechpartner: Prof. Dr. Ulrich Stierle
Herzchirurgie.Ambulanz@uk-sh.de

Universitätsklinik Münster
Albert-Schweitzer Campus 1
Gebäude A1
48149 Münster
Ansprechpartner Kinderkardiologie: Dr. S. Kotthoff
Terminvereinbarung: 0251 / 83-47773
Sprechstunde nach Vereinbarung
Ansprechpartner Klinik für angeborene (EMAH) und
erworbene Herzfehler: Dr. Radke / Fr. Dr. Schmidt
Erwachsenensprechstunde / EMAH-Zentrum
Terminvereinbarung: 0251 / 83-46122
Sprechstunde nach Vereinbarung

Universitätsklinikum Köln
Herzzentrum - Klinik III für Innere Medizin
Kerpener Str. 62
50937 Köln
Terminvereinbarung: Tel: 0221 / 478-32341
Ansprechpartner: Dr. Michael Huntgeburth und
Prof. Dr. S. Rosenkranz

Universitätsklinikum Aachen
Medizinische Klinik I Kardiologie
Pauwelsstr. 30
52074 Aachen
Ansprechpartner: Fr. Dr. K. Brehmer
Terminvereinbarung: 0241 / 8035 832

Universitätskliniken des Saarlandes
Klinik für Pädiatrische Kardiologie
Oskar-Orth-Str. 1
66421 Homburg/Saar
Terminvereinbarung: Tel.: 06841/16-28305,
Fax: 06841/16-28330
Ansprechpartner: Prof. Dr. M. Abdul-Khaliq

Universitätsklinikum Heidelberg
Klinik für Herzchirurgie
Im Neuenheimer Feld 110
69120 Heidelberg
Sekretariat: Fr. Inge Weber
Tel.: 06221-56 6279
inge.weber@med.uni-heidelberg.de
Ansprechpartner: Prof. Dr. Klaus Kallenbach

Klinikum Stuttgart - Katharinenhospital
Zentrum für Herz- u. Gefäßkrankheiten (Erwachsene)
Kriegsbergstr. 60
70174 Stuttgart
Terminvereinbarung: 0711 / 278 - 35202
Sprechstunde: nach Vereinbarung
Ansprechpartnerin: Dr. Elke Roser

zusammen mit:

Klinikum Stuttgart - Olgahospital
Pädiatrisches Zentrum (Kinder)
Bismarckstr. 8
70176 Stuttgart
Terminvereinbarung: 0711 / 278 - 72441
Ansprechpartner: Dr. Frank Uhlemann

Universitätsklinikum Freiburg
Zentrum für Herz- und Gefäßchirurgie
Hugstetter Str. 55
79106 Freiburg im Breisgau
Terminvereinbarung: 0761 / 270 - 77950
Ansprechpartner: Prof. Dr. M. Siepe

Deutsches Herzzentrum München
Lazarettstr. 36
80636 München
Terminvereinbarung. 089 / 1218 - 3006
Ansprechpartner Prof. Dr. Kaemmerer

WORLDWIDE:
Marfan Organization: www.marfan.org

Me and Marfan Syndrome

First of all, I wanted you to understand what is Marfan syndrome. I would just like to quote completely the definition from Marfan Organisation website:

Marfan syndrome is a genetic disorder that affects our body's connective tissues. Connective tissue holds all the body’s cells, organs and tissue together. It also plays an important role in helping the body grow and develop properly.

Connective tissue is made up of proteins. The protein that plays a role in Marfan syndrome is called fibrillin-1. Marfan syndrome is caused by a defect (or mutation) in the gene that tells the body how to make fibrillin-1. This mutation results in an increase in a protein called transforming growth factor beta, or TGF-β. The increase in TGF-β causes problems in connective tissues throughout the body, which in turn creates the features and medical problems associated with Marfan syndrome and some related disorders.

Because connective tissue is found throughout the body, Marfan syndrome can affect many different parts of the body, as well. Features of the disorder are most often found in the heart, blood vessels, bones, joints, and eyes. Some Marfan features – for example, aortic enlargement (expansion of the main blood vessel that carries blood away from the heart to the rest of the body) – can be life-threatening. The lungs, skin and nervous system may also be affected. Marfan syndrome does not affect intelligence.

Physically, one can detect a Marfanoid through the following signs:

• Long arms, legs and fingers


• Tall and thin body type


• Curved spine


• Chest sinks in or sticks out


• Flexible joints


• Flat feet


• Crowded teeth


• Stretch marks on the skin that are not related to weight gain or loss

Harder-to-detect signs of Marfan syndrome include heart problems, especially those related to the aorta, the large blood vessel that carries blood away from the heart to the rest of the body. Other signs can include sudden lung collapse and eye problems, including severe nearsightedness, dislocated lens, detached retina, early glaucoma, and early cataracts. Special tests are often needed to detect these features.

(Source: www.marfan.org/about/signs)

And yes, I have most signs in me. I am taller than common Filipinas, even way back my childhood. I was 2 years old when they found out I have a heart problem, one of my ventricles does not function well, but I was 13 years of age when they said my heart is again fine. I was 9 years old when my mom found the unusual curvature of my spine and had to wear orthopaedic braces until I was 16 years of age, but the scoliosis is sadly not corrected. As I came here in Germany, my scoliosis gave me difficult days, especially in winter, that led us to have it check and eventually get operated. I was operated last April 2014 from the upper part down to the lower part of my spine. I sometimes call myself a robot, because I could no longer turn just half of my body, if I have to check what's behind me or at the side, I have to turn my whole body around. I did have crowded teeth too, which was corrected by wearing braces as well, I had my braces removed though before my marriage, and now, they are starting to get crowded again. My husband finds it "amusing" too that I can bend my thumb backwards, until we got the gene test result and found this no longer amusing.

What led us to learning about Marfan syndrome was a devastating event in our lives. June 19, 2015, I was attending the university here in Germany, and I thought the pain one day was only caused by my whole day classes and the books I borrowed from the library, and I thought it was just one of those typical pain due to my scoliosis operation, because it was just a year and 2 months after the operation, and the regrowth of bone could have caused it. I logged out of my Skype session with my mom and laid in bed. Weekend went by with the same level of pain, that my husband had to do the grocery alone. I even cried and said I don't want to die, yet. That was the cue for my husband that the pain was unbearable. He told me not to go to the university next day, June 22, and we have to visit our general practitioner. Our GP gave us immediate advice to go to the hospital, but since I was still on my pyjamas and doesn't have any clothing nor toiletries ready, we went back home. I was admitted the next day, they did X-ray because they also thought of my scoliosis first and foremost. June 24 came the head doctor of internal medicine. She asked me where the pain starts and up to where it radiates. She asked me to have pregnancy test as well, because it could also be heart burn, but it went negative. She checked the X-ray once again and there, she started to get suspicious.

"Mrs. W, could it be that you have Marfan syndrome?"

"What is it? I don't know about it."

"Can you please bend your fingers, try to reach your wrist. How tall are your parents?"

I did what she said and told her the estimated height of my parents, being smaller than I am.

"Please go back to the ultrasound room, I will be there with you in a minute, I just need to show this to my boss."

I went down, and also the same time my husband came. She came to me and told me she has to do the ultrasound of my stomach, since the 2D-echo showed a normal heart, they did saw something unusual in the X-ray photo. And there it was. She called the head doctor of cardiology.

"What is it, Dr. Binder?"

"Let's wait for Dr. Weiss."

Dr. Weiss came and had it measured.

"6 cm. Call the CT-Scan section and get her first in."

Dr. Binder asked me to wait for a while at the waiting room while she gets needle to prepare me for CT-scan. My husband asked her what is going on.

"We found a dissection at her aorta, or what you call aneurysm and it is 6cm in diameter. We have to check via CT how long the dissection is."

"Is it really serious?" My husband said.

"If it gets hectic, then it is serious."

She accompanied us until CT. After my CT, the nurse said Dr. Binder adviced that we wait at the waiting room again, while she and Dr. Weiss and the chief doctor review everything. And then came the head nurse of the station I am in... with my bed.

"Mrs. W., please lie down, you are no longer allowed to move too much and also nothing to eat. We will transfer you to the intensive station."

All I can remember were the eyes from other patients in the waiting room, and me crying and my husband in panic, in panic that he even forgot my toiletries in the toilet when he picked up my stuff from the room I was in. All doctors and nurses were on telephone, searching the next big hospital who can accomodate me and do the surgery. They gave me valium to appease me. I was allowed only one more glass of water and then that's it, my food was only the infusion. Out of 3 hospitals with specialists in vascular diseases, only one had the capacity and the way is not easy  (it is not advisable for me to move out of fear that my aorta would explode), so they decided to get a helicopter instead. I was transferred to Bad Neustadt an der Saale heart center on June 26 morning. In the afternoon, 6 doctors were on my bed side, the chief doctor, the head doctor at the station, the head surgeon, their assistants and the anesthesiologist. There was no time to explain thoroughly the procedure, no time to explain the side effects of the narcotics, we were in a difficult battle against time. The only deciding factor that helped me to sign the waiver were the words of the head surgeon: there's no time, you could be dead if we delay this operation. That was all I can remember on that day. I woke up vomiting from narcotics at around 10 in the evening. The assistant surgeon was still there, on telephone with my husband. He saw me woke up and just told me one sentence before he came back to my husband on the phone: the operation was a success. You are now out of danger.

That was the time we decided, I really need to get a gene test, to know what this really is. If it is really Marfan, or any other fibrillin mutation. But due to complications and another operation done to me (from June to December last year, I was only 1 month or 2 at home, 3 hospitals became my home), I had my gene test just early this year. Just today, we were again at my geneticist and we have the result of the gene test... And yes, I am a Marfanoid. And yes, I do have the other fibrillin mutation as well. This double mutation makes it more complicated for me, especially for my cardiovascular system.

Let me leave you this advice for today: If you have the physical signs, get checked. Heart is not just any organ, when it malfunctions, it is life-threatening. Do not wait for the day that you have to go through the same devastating event I had. Let’s start a healthy living. Marfanoids can live up to old age, if you will be detected earlier and take better care of your heart.

Life is Life

Life is life,
It is simply what it is,
Not what you want it to be.
Life will be life,
It will go on
Even if you ask it to stay.
Shit will happen,
Time will pass by,
Life will not wait
No matter how hard you beg.
No matter how you want
It to change, it will not,
For it is what it is,
Since time immemorial,
And will forever be that
What life believes it is.
Go with the flow,
That's all you can do,
Fearlessly face life
In all its uncertainty
And at the end, you'll see
Life isn't bad for you and me,
Life has already been written
Lone before we came,
It is a book of surprises
Events of good and bad await,
There's no chance to change
The story, it is already done.
Just continue reading
Continue living,
Acceptance is the key,
Enjoy, live, love
For life is life
And it will forever be.

Life is Short

I used to live
My life as if
I'm gonna stay forever;
No plans, no goals,
No clear future.
A happy-go-lucky girl
A one-day-millionaire
Until it hit me one day
That forever's a lie,
For one day, I will die.
Fear took over,
And I started to dream,
Asked a lot of what-if's
And started to live my dream.
Days seem too short,
And found myself on knees,
Begging the One Above,
To grant me at least ten more years.

You Can Run But You Can't Hide

One tiny information you share,
And it's there forever to stay.
A piece of your mind is gone,
It is now a bit of this web world.

You see it as a friend,
But is it really so?
When without you knowing it,
It steals your time and soul.

Be careful then with what you say,
For it has eyes and ears over all,
It can make your life miserable,
Without a place to run nor go.

A Merry Beardy Day

It's okay to be different,
We are uniquely created anyway;
It's okay to be crazy,
And be happy and gay;
Life isn't about being perfect,
It is about enjoying each day.

I Am Officially A Student

Although the 14th of October is still a long way ahead, I already paid my semester fees, in short: I am officially a student and my Goethe Card would be released on 14th of October. I am torn with my feelings about this thing. First of all, I have to start with the DSH Vorbereitungskurs and pass the DSH exam on February. The result on the 28th of February would be my ticket to getting into a Bachelor's program. That thing excites me, I can't wait not to work on chemical formulas again. It's been years since I last read and worked on anything relating to Chemistry. But this DSH course makes me nervous. I was able only to finish B2.1 last year and after a year of hiatus, the result of my assessment exam is C1! I met my soon-to-be-classmates and they speak really good! The pressure is starting to pile up in my mind and my heart. I am afraid and at the same time, I am not sure whether I would be lucky enough to meet new friends, though up to this time, I already got one, a Vietnamese and is here with a student visa.

I wish I can survive this life as a student. My husband is so proud of me and he expects a lot for me. I am his key to a good life back in the Philippines and I do not want to disappoint him.

Confused

ACHTUNG! Women thing!

After my post about having a baby, here I am posting about something out of the ordinary. Anyway, I had my regular period last month, and when I say regular, it lasts for 6 days. Then this month, I was delayed, for about 5 days, my period came just yesterday but it is really so abnormal, it is more like spotting. What I find weird is, in between my last period until yesterday, my husband and I didn't do anything (except last Saturday when we were in Stuttgart). Anyway, that is what I find too confusing.

How can you have a regular period that lasts for 6 days with really strong flow and then pregnant. Is that ever possible to happen? Most that I find in the internet has more of like spotting than regular period.

It is so confusing being a woman... :(

On Having A Baby

It seems like every Friday would be a ay for me to rant. Last week was when I forgot the date and today is about how I hate being asked on when are we going to have a baby. It is one of Filipino culture that I honestly hate. I remember when I was 18, and they were all telling me not to have a boyfriend yet because I am still young, then fast forward to 25 years old and they are saying whether I wanted to end up an old maid. And now that I am married they are asking when are we going to have a kid! I really hate it how people love to meddle on my personal affairs. I know that 29 going 30 is not young at all and is best time to conceive a child BUT I am just being practical, and is also for my future child's welfare. I guess I am too westernized for my south eastern family and it is out of the ordinary to take time and enjoy each day.

I don't know how can I end all these questions without offending them with my "no, not yet."

Random Musings on a Friday Afternoon

Have you ever experienced in your life, when you felt like you missed a day of your life? Aside from those time differences when travelling from one side of the world to the other side of the world, those times when you do your everyday chores, talk to people with whom you regularly talk to, and yet a day had slipped your fingers just like that. I am into that moment now, and I just feel so bad. It seems like I have missed a lot of things! Here is how I came to realize it today:

<The phone rang. It was my husband.>Husband: Hallo, Schatz, wie geht's dir? (Hi darling, how are you?)Me: Mir geht's gut, Baby. (I'm fine, baby).Husband: Gut zu wissen. Du, ich mache gleich Feierabend und ich mache morgen frei. (Nice to know. I am going home soon and I won't go to work tomorrow.)Me: Warum? (Why?) <I mean here about not going to work tomorrow.>Husband: Ich brauche Pause. (I need a break.)Me: Aber vorgestern hattest du schon frei, weil ich krank war. Was wird Michael denn sagen? (But you already had free day a day before yesterday because I was sick. What would Michael (his boss, by the way) say then?)Husband: Er hat gesagt, wer wird am Samstag arbeiten kann freiwillig entscheiden, also ich bin nicht gezwungen, diesen Samstag zu arbeiten. (He said, whoever wants to work on Saturday is free to decide, so that means I am not forced to work this Saturday.)Me: Ja, Samstag ist klar, aber morgen machst du frei, dann am 20.September machst du auch frei wegen meiner Prüfung in der Uni, du hast so viel frei! (Yes, Saturday is clear, but you wanted also to have free day tomorrow, and on 20th of September you're also not going to work because of my exam in the university. You have lots of leaves!)Husband: Morgen ist Samstag, Schatz. (Tomorrow is Saturday, my dear.)Me: Echt? Nein, das ist nicht wahr. Moment... (Really? No, that can't be true! Wait a minute...) (then I checked on the date on my laptop...)       Mein Rechner steht auch Freitag, aber nein!!! (My computer also says Friday, but noooo!!!) (then checked the date on my tablet and phone)       Mein Tablet und Handy sagen auch es ist schon Freitag! (My tablet and phone says it's really Friday!)Husband (laughing): Guten Morgen! Ausgeschlafen? (Good morning! Enough sleep now?)Me: Habe ich den ganzen Tag geschlafen? Wie kann es sein? Ich dachte, es ist nur Donnerstag! (Did I sleep the whole day? How can it be? I thought, it's only Thursday?)Husband: Ja, du hast Mittwoch Abend geschlafen und bist nur heute aufgestanden. (Yes, you slept last Wednesday evening and woke up only today.)Me: Nein...

And that is the story how my day seemed to be destroyed now, I felt like I missed a lot of Thursday events. What happened to me? Why did I have that feeling that I really skipped a day?

A Writer In Progress

I wanted to be proud to say that, I am working on it. I am working on two novels as of the moment, and starting to write poetry again. I am using ywriter 5 to help me organize my thoughts. Last month, I was so productive, but after finishing the first chapter of one of my novels, it started again: writer's block. Newly published author, Kristine Pierce (also iMommy Success Founder), told me to simply write. Never mind if it connects with your first work. But it felt so empty. So I decided to just go back for the meantime to blogging. Maybe, after blogging a bit, the creative juices would come out again.

I also applied to be a contributor to Worldette Blog, it is a blog for empowered women, travel and everything else related to women. This blog has been in their list for quite a while now and I thought of contributing to them, in order for me to be forced to write, besides, I like their themes! I just hope Marie would accept my application. :D

That's it for now. Please do visit my photo blog, I got new posts today too! ;)

Expat-Blog Post: FAQs Part II

This is supposed to be part two of my blog written last 23rd of February (see blog here), but honestly, the following questions are already randomly gathered from my Facebook and from Expat Blog Forum. There might me few questions already answered in part one, but I have to post again, because I have been receiving the same question again and again. Here it goes!

Q: What is the difference between Marriage Visa and Fiance Visa?
A: Nothing. These two visa are one and the same. It just so happened that in the Philippines (or maybe in other parts of the world too), we often hear people referring to it as fiance visa because for one, he is your fiance, and secondly, applying for US visa uses more of this term. But for Germany, they use the term marriage visa.

Q: Is it easier to get Marriage Visa than getting married in the Philippines?
A: It all depends on which city or state your fiance/e lives. Most of the people I know (my classmates in Goethe Institut Makati) waited for at least six months before they get their visa. But I know one who took only a month for her to get the fiance visa. It all depends, whether the background check is necessary for the place you would be migrating, and whether the agent who would conduct the background check does it fast and the lawyer signs it immediately. Just a tip: once you had your interview, follow up after three weeks or a month would not be harmful, in this case, your application remains on top of their priority. Your fiance can do the follow up through email, they do answer immediately.

Q: Which one did you apply?
A: We got married in the Philippines, so I applied for family reunion visa (Familienzusammenführung). For more information about this visa, I answered it already in part one of this FAQs.

Q: Is background check really necessary?
A: Yes. And it takes a while, especially when you lived in different cities from the time you are 18 years of age up to the present. My friend who got her fiance visa was not investigated prior to waiting for visa, but she was after their marriage here in Germany, that's why her residence permit took a bit of a time. There is no way out of this investigation. In my case, I was also not investigated (or maybe I was but I am not aware because no one told me or my family because my husband paid €200+ while processing his Ehefähigkeitszeugnis [Legal Capacity to Contract Marriage] and if they did, they did not send a copy of this investigation to the German Embassy in the Philippines for the reason I don't know) but the embassy asked me to submit an NBI clearance a week before they released my visa, because they said the Ausländersamt where my husband lives sent them an email that a background check is not necessary, and they do not have any legal records about my personality and history. Am I sounding clear on this part? Because I guess the Ausländersamt here are getting some pleas from German fiances or spouses asking them to scrape out the background check in order to get the visa as soon as possible. It is possible, but one must not force the government agencies deciding for the visa to do so because it is also for your own good. Imagine that you have met your fiance or spouse online, and spent only 3 months together every year, how sure are you that he/ she is a good person? That the intentions are clean, that they are not just after your money or after the citizenship? It is all for the security and records, nothing would be lost having this background check. I was glad that my visa took only a while, but also questioned why they did not conduct a background check on my part. They made my husband sign a document that he is capable of providing for me as his wife once I live here in Germany and I would never register in Arbeitsamt in order to get a monthly stipend from the government once I am here. Everything worked in my favor, but it was a bit unfair for my husband in a way, and I was thinking this background check would have been one way for me to repay my husband. But at least they asked for my NBI clearance. I guess, it was fair enough (sorry, my line of thoughts here is a bit complicated, but I hope you did get my point. ;) ).

Q: I have a kid from my past marriage/ ex boyfriend. How will I be able to bring him/ her with me to Germany?
A: I am afraid, I can only answer this question IF you are applying for family reunion visa. Your kid would also have family reunion visa. You may apply for it together with your visa application. Just make sure that his/ her name is also stated on the invitation letter of your husband/ wife. If he/ she is below 16 years old, he/ she does not need German language course. But once he/ she is 16 years of age, he/ she needs already language certificate, the kid must reach the level of C1 of language proficiency. If you are applying for fiance visa, I still haven't heard of anyone who got here to get married and travelled together with her kid. Logically speaking, it is still not possible to bring the kid, because the marriage has not yet taken place, and it can still happen, that the marriage would not happen at all. So for marriage visa application, it is only you on first application and once you got your residence permit, you may already apply a visa for your kid, via family reunion visa. It is however difficult to leave this visa application while you are in Germany, because they are strict against child trafficking or any related crimes. They would not process passport application with only a authorization letter, the mother must be there. If the kid do have a passport already, the guardian needs a special power of attorney to get the visa processing. The rest of the requirements of the kid can be found in the website, Family Reunion Visa requirements.

Q: We've heard a lot about marrying in Denmark and that the processing is easy. How true is that?
A: Yes, getting married there is relatively easy. From what I've heard, the German does not need his legal capacity to contract marriage to get married there. That is one reason why it is easy. If you have your Philippines documents with you during your tourist visa (birth certificate, CENOMAR, annullment certificate, in case married before, passport with visa), you can get married within a week! The problem lies AFTER the marriage. I have heard of some states and cities wherein the Pinay does not need to go back to the Philippines, then they are one lucky couple! But most states or cities require the Filipina to leave the country and apply for family reunion visa, which brings it all back to the difficult part: the report of marriage takes months before it gets available in NSO in the Philippines! And the need to have the A1 language certificate! So the waiting time you wanted to avoid is again there to stress you out. One acquaintance who got married in Hongkong told me that after their marriage, they brought the apostille immediately to the Philippines Embassy to process the report of marriage. She immediately got a copy of report of marriage and she applied for the family reunion visa with this report of marriage. Now, for the Philippines Embassy in Oslo, the embassy that is responsible for marriages in Denmark, I am not sure of their procedure. A friend recently got married there, but up to this time, they never received any copy of report of marriage. My friend brought the original copy of the signed apostille and applied for family reunion visa using this signed apostille and yes, she was entertained in the Embassy! As for CEMAR (certificate of marriage) from NSO, they did accept the CENOMAR since they are aware it takes months before the marriage would be registered in the Philippines. Before you get into this process, research first. Read more, and ask the Ausländersamt on what to do before and after marriage. Do not get into this process without complete information. The Ausländersamt is and will be our best friend government agency until we decide to get a German citizenship (which in my case, I will not!).

Q: I heard that before a migrant leaves the country, one must have this CFO sticker. What is that?
A: It is a new procedure. Some says it treats the migrants as milking cow. It is an agency that conducts pre-departure seminar. What is discussed in the seminar are basic things: what are the important documents you must have at hand once you step in the airport (things that one must know by heart, such as passport with visa, and copy of your invitation letter or work contract, simply all the documents you sent during the visa application), what are the things you are allowed to have on your baggage and on your hand carry luggages (which one can also read on the airline websites) and how much are the travel tax and the terminal fee. After these things are discussed, you are divided into groups, the US-bound groups, the Europe-bound groups and so on. In these groups, cultural differences are discussed and for fiance or spouses of foreign nationals, they show slide shows of some not-so-good-experiences of some Filipinos in the foreign land. It is sort of like unconsciously asking the group, "are you sure about this? Do you really know your spouse already?" Afterwards, they would ask you to sign a form, in this form, the contact details of your fiance or spouse must be filled in and the contact details of your family in the Philippines. If you already have your visa, you may get your sticker at the same day you attended the seminar, if not, you will be asked to keep the yellow certificate (this, by the way, is also needed for you to apply for change of surname on your passport if you are married to foreign nationals and would wanted to use his surname) and present this again to them once you got your visa. It all takes only one whole day to attend the seminar and get the sticker. Why are we milking cows? Because it is not for free, and you must pay for everything, the seminar, the booklet, the sticker and for what in return? For information that one can get online. But then, maybe because not everyone is patient enough to research online, hence, they need some guide. Mind you, if your passport does not have this sticker, you would NOT be allowed to leave the country, regardless if you have your flight itinerary and visa!  Stricter than the visa, right? For more information, visit: http://cfo.gov.ph. By the way, if your case is similar to my friend, who only got a signed apostille from Denmark and no report of marriage or anything, they do accept the apostille, just make sure you already have your visa once you get there. It would be processed like with normal immigrants, and not like with people with family reunion visa.

Q: I wanted to work in Germany, what is the best way to get there?
A: I have been receiving tons of this question after the agreement between Germany and Philippines on getting nurses and caregivers. If you are a licensed nurse, I suggest that you go to the POEA website (or personally at POEA office) to get more information on how to get here as a guest worker. Please take note, only POEA works on this and there are NO agencies, so beware of that. There may be agencies working with POEA about this agreement, but that is more on giving trainings and language courses for successful applicants, and it has nothing to do with the employer nor security of getting here fast. I would like to take this chance too to warn you of illegal recruiters and leaving you as illegal migrants here. Life as illegal migrants here in Germany is not an experience you would wanted to have (or maybe anywhere in the world). Isn't it nice to live in a country without fear of getting caught? So please, contact only POEA for details. If you are graduate of other courses, I am afraid I do not know any other way, unless of course, applying online on these company websites. Some websites I use to find jobs here are: http://www.jobscout24.de, and http://www.monster.de. If you get lucky to find an employer who's willing to make an interview through Skype or something, then, congratulations! You may apply for work visa once you get a legitimate contract with your new employer.

I guess I got to post most of the questions already. Will get back once I get new questions and gathered new information for all of you. (One reason why my husband told me that I can actually start my own office here as a consultant, I just need to take a certain exam to be a social worker, maybe I would think about that.)

On Writing

Surprise! I finally have something to blog about. I never thought that ironing would help me squeeze some juicy thoughts and finally be able to write something again, after such a long time. I should have left some more clothes to iron tomorrow to be able to write more often.

Well, my husband has always been supportive of my blogging, but sadly, I have disappointed him these past months. He told me, "just write. You do not need big events to report or something, just write about anything. Go out and take a walk, find something interesting in the village, kids playing, horses neighing, the little river that flows in front of our house, anything!" The problem is, I do not often go out. It is weird but I do not want other people to see me walking around the neighborhood. So when I take a walk, I see to it that no one is around. I am not sure why, the Lanzingers are actually nice to me. Once I took a walk and there were other dog walkers, and old people taking the morning walk. They smiled at me and greeted me enthusiastically and asked where I am living and how long have I been here in Germany. It is totally different from what my Facebook acquaiantances have as experiences. I never felt so left out here in our village. They all show me that I am welcomed here and I am part of the community. So you can scratch that thought out, that probably because I am afraid of racist comments or something, because the people here are one of the nicest Germans I have ever met. Except of few instances in the bus, when I was still attending the German language class. The kids are giving me those looks, but not sharp ones, just a look of curiosity. Maybe they are curious, why someone like me, who looks old enough to be their aunt or eldest sister, is sitting with them in this school bus (yes,  the time when my class ends is also the time the schools dismisses the kids in grade school and middle school, so the public transportation is converted to school bus).  That is why I sometimes let the time pass by by staying in the mall or having coffee or lunch with my classmates to make sure that I do not take the same bus the kids usually take. Never have I heard any racist comments from them when am sitted in the bus with them, just a sigh of frustration that one seat is taken by their aunt. Now, back to my topic, writing. I am not sure really how I can do this again regularly, just like the old times. It seems that happy life equates to lesser thought bubbles popping out anytime and anywhere. It is because writing has always been like a therapy for me, not just a hobby. One acquiantance, who used to be the editor in chief of our high school paper (I was still in sixth grade that time, so I understand when she could not 100% remember me, we were only together twice for an overnight leadership training and peer counselling training), gave me the same tip that my husband told me. She reminded me that it was taught to us way, way back in high school: write a sentence or two a day, regardless how idiot it may sound or if you are trying to write a book, regardless if those sentences still meets your story or theme, just write. The editing will happen only at the end, when you think you got a book done already. She told me this because I found out that she is already one of the known Amazon writers and published already her first book, in hard copy and ebook format. I sent her an email telling her how proud I am of her and that I am one of her fans since her high school days. That was the only time when I read editor's note in newspaper! I wanted to read a lot of works of her and I simply like her writing style. And I told her too, that I also dream of publishing at least one book. She was so supportive and told me that she can help me out once I am ready and she is willing to do the editing part for me!

You see, there are a lot of support group for my writing. The problem lies now in me. How will I be able to apply this tip in my life and be a published author too one day. I guess, that question would remain a question until I find a way one day, and ironing daily is not a good idea to start with (even if it helped me write today).

Just Passing By

It's been a while since I last posted something here. It is so sad that since I stopped working, I also got no new things to write. We went to different events in the past months, but nothing seemed to trigger my interest to write.

It's so frustrating and depressing not to be able to write anything, not even a Haiku. :(

Filipinos In Germany

Hello! I am back after a while. It is not that I have forgotten all about blogging, but basically because I just don't have any topic to write. Finally, winter is really over, though there are days that's rainy, but that's typical April weather here in Germany. As of the moment, I am still unemployed. I was able to pass the interview on becoming a freelance English trainer, BUT there's still no available class for me. Just as how my title goes, FREELANCE, so no classes, no money. But it's alright, am no longer so depressed like the past year. I met a few Filipinos here near me, and still weighing things whether I'd officially sign myself up to the Christkönig Gemeinschaft in Niedergründau. It's a fun community anyway, was there on their mass last 14th of April. I am just thinking twice of the responsibilities behind being a member of a certain community. It is also nice to know some families who are members of that community and live near me. At least when I am feeling alone, I already have some numbers to dial and to go to for coffee. They are all like my aunts and uncles and since I am the youngest, they treat me like their kid. ^_^

Anyway, in case you are new here and lives near Niedergründau, Hessen, feel free to visit the Gemeinschaft. They usually meet every second Sunday of the month (BUT THERE WILL BE NO MEETING ON THE MONTH OF MAY BECAUSE OF FLORES DE MAYO IN EITERFELD AND FRANKFURT AM MAIN WHERE THEY WILL BE TAKING PART OF) at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The community is not just for Filipinos, but for all catholics of different nationalities. They serve coffee and dinner after the mass. :)

And if you are Filipinos looking for contacts online, feel free to join our Facebook group page, Filipinos in Germany. The forum is totally new, and we wanted to make it big soon, please help us gather members! :)

Danke Schön

Today I feel a bit emotional. This week has been such a roller coaster ride and the week has not yet ended! However, I already feel so grateful and I guess I can express more of my thanks here in blog to my dear friend, Janine. Although we haven't met personally yet, I am so grateful to have an online friend who understands almost everything that happens in my life. And the biggest thing I wanted to thank her for is for all the motivation and optimism she unconsciously stilled in my heart (naks!) through her blog posts. She said I motivated her to start a personal blog, but she doesn't know that her personal blog did more to me than my blog to her.

If you are expats as well and feeling kind of already under the weather and would wanted to give up trying, I encourage you to visit her blog. I don't mind losing readers and let her gain more because honestly, her blog is really beautiful! The contents are so beautifully created and full of optimism. One writer that every expat should know.

Empty

I wanted to write something, but my thoughts are empty. I can't seem to find a new topic to write...

Okay, I'm lying! I just wanted to try my template if it's working. :-p





PS: Trying to put on this template on all my past posts but I feel so lazy tracking back everything. So I guess, I'd stop from editing na. :-p If you happen to backread all my posts and all of a sudden my signature is gone, that's the start of my laziness, anyway, it does not affect the content of my posts. :D