Love

Dream

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” 

― C.S. Lewis

I came across this quote at goodreads.com and it made me think. For days (or better yet, for months), I have no idea what to do with my life here. I feel depressed and hopeless for I felt like I do not have a bright future here, nor a career to add on my name. I have always blogged that I miss the days when I was still working, when I am busy on some other things. But these days, it's all routinary for me: household jobs. I do not regret being a housewife too, I just find it too boring. I want the excitement back in my life. Sometimes, it feels like my mind is no longer working like it used to be. I tend to be so forgetful on lots of things. My husband himself told me it's because I am not used to doing only domestic jobs, since I am used to thinking analytically. One reason why he is suggesting that I go back in the university, in that way, I can put my mind at work again. However, there is this part of me that does not believe on my capabilities. I am afraid, and I always have this voice in my mind that says, "you're too old for that." It disappoints me and makes me lose hope. Until I bumped into this quote by C.S. Lewis, the author of Chronicles of Narnia. He is right. I just need optimism and the strong will. It is never too late for anything. I can achieve whatever I wanted to achieve. With this in mind, I therefore declare, I will go back and study again and do what I really wanted to do.

I will be successful in my own way. I may not be able to work again as a chemist, but the other job that I so wanted to do, I shall have it accomplished. I will not give up and try and try until the last breath in me. Age is only a number, what is important is the will of my heart and how I take each step at a time.

I will succeed and I claim it today.

Soul Mate Part Two

Since somebody explained it far better than I, I will just quote her here.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Soul Mate

My cousin once mentioned to me that she believes in soulmates. She believes that soulmates does not have to end together in marriage. Though some are lucky enough to marry their soulmates, some finds their soulmates as their "the one who got away" or sometimes they are disguised as a best friend or simply a friend. I laughed at her idea but she strongly believes that I, myself, have a soulmate. It is just so funny that she thought my soul mate is my childhood lover turned best friend. I simply agreed on her just to shut her up and make her forget about it. Then I realized, she is somewhat right. We all have our soulmates. I am not exempted to it. But she got it wrong on who my supposed to be soulmate is. I believe my soulmate is my "the one who got away." I believe he is due to some reasons such as:

1) when I had problem with my ex-boyfriend, he was the only guy who gave his shoulder to cry on.
2) even if we did not have a good past, he ensured that we are going to have a good future by staying friends with me.
3) even if I threw him out of my life thousands of times, he still comes back and always comes during the saddest events of my life.
4) as opposed with my best friend who stopped communicating with me when I got married, he kept his communication with me despite the changes in our own relationship stati.
5) even if we do not say a lot of words, we understand each other. We came to know each other despite the lack of words in between.

I do not find it bad to know you have a soulmate. It feels good, in reality. Because a soulmate is like a twin brother/ sister you never had. They can sense when you feel bad and when you need someone to talk to. Although they come disguised as a lover, they are more than that in reality. Soulmates are our angels here on earth.

So if you find your own soulmates, thank them for letting them meet you in this lifetime. We are not all privileged to meet angels on earth. Be thankful, for meeting them means that something great is up to come or that you are destined to learn something big that shall change your whole life.

If you would ask what my soulmate did to mine, he made the way too crooked and painful for me. He made it so that I would be able to see the difference between good and bad, between ugly and beautiful and when I finally met my husband, I learned how to appreciate love and how to love unconditionally.

Forgive and Forget

A friend called to ask for apology for the past that did not go well for the two of us. It feels so good to finally find the freedom from anger and pain. Although I have already forgiven him long before he asked for it, it still feels good that he himself acknowledges what he had done in the past. Now that we are on totally different ways, I wish nothing but his own happiness. Despite all the pain and the tears he caused me in the past, he still deserve a life of bliss and love.

I've already forgotten all those painful memories, long before I forgave him in my heart. But I guess he is right, whatever it is in the past shall forever be inked in our hearts. Just like tattoos. Even if I try to erase those memories, they'd leave a scar that shall guide me in life.

He and I are part of a history, and that history has already been written and completed. I could no longer delete his character because that will change the course of events. He may have hurt me in the past, but if not for that, I would not be where I am now. If not for those tears and pain, I will not find my way to the arms of my husband. If not for all those fights and misunderstandings and lost friendship, I will not learn the value of friendship and forgiveness and love.

I thank him for admitting the wrongdoings and saying the most difficult words "I'm sorry." I wish him nothing but happiness he also deserves. I thank him for freeing me from anger and pain.

Despite all the pains he caused me, I still thank him wholeheartedly. It is because, of all the people who came into my life, he is one of those who marked the most. He taught me a lot of things. He built the way towards my happiness. He was, he is and he will always be a best friend to me.

Independence

Few days ago, I had a talk with my mom. She asked me the usual stuffs we talk about when we chat: how I and my husband are, what is the weather here, the weather in the Philippines, my dear dog and our upcoming vacation. Then I told her I have to cut our chat time short because there are lots of stuff I have to do since we were out of town for three days. Then came this old talks that I am not sure whether I would be grateful of or would piss me off.

Mom: I bet you got lots of clothes to wash.
Me: Yes, and I have to clean the house too.
Mom: Don't force yourself to finish everything today. That is one of my worries here.
Me: Mom, you have nothing to worry here. First of all, I just have to dump the clothes in the machine and wait for it. Secondly, the apartment is not too big that I'd tire myself to death. I think it'll only take me 30 minutes cleaning up.
Mom: When yo start working and I am already there, everything would be easier for you again just like when you were here.
Me: Thanks, ma. But really, everything is okay and my husband is not that sensitive and OC.

I am grateful that up to this time, my mom thinks of me and how she can make things light for me. But honestly, I had enougj of it. I love my independence now. I love that I can cook for myself and for my husband, that I feel more responsible when it comes to cleanliness and order of our house. I have learned to wake up early to ensure my husband's coffee is ready. These stuffs that I experience for the first time makes me totally happy.

I did not come from a rich family, for I am afraid some people would think I am due to my lazy past. The reason why for 27 years, I have never done much of household chores was due to my health. My mom was so afraid that if she forces me to do stuffs, I'd end up having heart aches (literally) or asthma attack. Therefore, she did everything for me. The times when I do chores, such as cleaning the house and waxing and scrubbing the floors, it always end up me being scolded instead of being praised nor thanked for. My mom allows me to help but only for a very short time and she would send me somewhere for errands. We had fought a lot of times over this method of hers, because I have seen my classmates having their own responsobilities at home while I do not have any.

When I left for training in the year 2008, I experienced independence for the first time. It was so great. I felt healthier than ever. I felt more grown up. Hence I told myself, it is now time for my mom to enjoy her days, she does not have to serve me anymore. I am no longer that sickly girl she used to take care of. I am already a grown up woman. But when I went back to the Philippines, it went back to how it was before I left. When I told her I wanted independence, it hurt her and thought that I do not need her anymore. It hurt me more because it is not what I really want! Until a colleague became my boyfriend (who is now my husband). I finally have a reason to give mom a rest from serving me. When we got married, I will be leaving the country and live with my husband in Germany and finally, my dream of independence shall be fulfilled!

True enough, we got married, I moved here and I am enjoying a lot of independence. But my mom still thinks I am still her little girl and would want to move here too to do again what she used to do. I know I am lucky that I have my mom and she is so thoughtful and sweet. But it is already time for her to pamper herself, to enjoy her life and be secured that I can take care of myself and my own family. I do not know how to tell her that without hurting her feelings again. All I got for an answer to her was:

First, mom, you have to learn the language and pass the exam to get here. :)

I think a woman of old age would think otherwise when it entails learning a new language again. I hope that my answer helped me to lower down her expectations that migrating here is not as easy as it is in the US.

Plus I do not want to give up my independence. I am having a lot of fun with it.

Random Whining

It's August and till now I still do not have a concrete idea what to do with my life here. Soon it would be my first year here in the Land of Beer and Sausages and all I got to accomplish is my completion of integration course by passing the language exam for migrants with a B1 level rating and the political overview exam with only one failure. One may say, those are great accomplishments, why this whining? Well, first of all, this language test for migrants is just half higher than my last Goethe Institut exam that I passed, hence it is just like I repeated my Start Deutsch 2 exam and perfected it this time instead of mere 92 grade. Now I understand why the adviser at the school was a bit hesitant on giving me Module 5 to start at, because my last Goethe certificate eligibles me to a higher module but then, the foreign office required me to complete the Module 5-6 at the VHS. It was still the best thing anyway, because I got to improve my listening and speaking skills, the worst fields on my certificate from Goethe Institut. To make it short, this language exam has already been expected out of me from the start (though I admit I was also nervous because what if I stutter? Then even if I perfected the written exam, I would fail it still because the deciding factor on the exam is the oral exam.). Secondly, the basic political exam already comes with this review materials downloadable from the internet complete with answers. Memorization is my best skills. Honestly, I was disappointed that I incurred one failure on the exam because I was o confident with my answers and it only took me 5 minutes to answer the 25 questions. I am wondering where have I gone wrong? I really wanted to go to the office for migrants and asylant --err refugees (I'm sorry, I got this little problem now with my English skills) and ask them to show me my test paper just to know which question was I not able to answer correctly. But of course, that will be totally crazy to do. After these exams, what happened to me? Back to my old routines at home: waking up, cleaning up, cooking and whole day at the internet. As what I frequently blogged before, I will say it again: I miss working.

I miss waking up early like my husband, fixing breakfast, rushing in the shower and rushing to get to the office on time. I miss the stress that the bosses or the colleagues can give. There was one Saturday when my ex-boss asked me to go to the office and help him out on the presentation. I was too excited and full of energy that I only had to pause when my husband came into the old office I used to stay during my training days and tell me it's time to eat. I was even working longer than my husband and my ex-boss as if it's just one of those normal days I had a year ago. They said they'd compensate me for that, it's already 2 months since I did that and I am still not paid, BUT I am happy. That day, I already felt compensated, because they made me feel my worth again. They showed me that I was indeed a big loss for them when I married and have to give up my position in the Manila office to be with my husband here in Germany. That even if they already got someone who replaced me in Manila, there are still these work load that they actually needed me, just like before. I am forever grateful to Emerson for they are like a family to me both in the Philippines and here in Germany. They never forget me and my skills. It is sad though that the companies here that I've applied to are not giving me any chance to prove them of my worth. Every application letter and resume sent, all I receive are just rejection letters. They did not even gave me a chance for an interview. Hence all this whining.

I feel so undervalued here. I am actually willing to start anew hence I am applying on all these "Ausbildung." Yet, they will not give me the chance. I wish one day, a company with a similar heart like Emerson would call me and give me a chance to prove myself. However, the question is, how long should I wait for that time to come? I feel so stocked in the moment. It feels like my life is not moving forward. The days pass and I am still here. Everybody moves forward and I am left on the same spot after my integration exams.

I thought about going back to the university but I asked myself, "am I still fit to relearn my chemistry? Will I be able to make it to these companies that turn me down after doing this?" There is fear and there is hope at the same time. However, the desire to learn Chemistry is now a bit dull. It is no longer shining like it used to before. My friends advised me to take a degree that is of highest need here and it is either chemistry or engineering. My heart is telling me to be a linguist instead, but I do not know where to go after getting an M.A. here, unlike chemistry that the future is so clear, my fear is that it is taught in pure German and I might fail.

I really do not know what to do with my life. I am so left behind. I wanted to move forward but there are no jobs available for me that will give me the opportunity to take the next step. There are countless job vacancies but all I got from them are also countlesa rejection letters. It is sometimes depressing and stressful. I hope somebody out there would help me and give me a hand to go on.