Monday, August 12, 2019

Relationship Goal

Lately, I have read an anonymous letter in a forum of Filipinas married with another nationality and she has issues on infidelity of her husband. She's pregnant so she thought it is partly her fault why her husband is in search of another woman, because he has sexual needs that she can't satisfy. I felt sad and angry on how she argumented to "justify" her husband's infidelity, because she partly said she's okay with it, because she can't satisfy him as long as the baby is still in her.

I was in almost the same situation. Four years ago, I was diagnosed with thoracic aneurysm and aortic dissection, and it is due to a genetic disease I never knew I have. I was devastated, depressed, because I was a ticking bomb. I told my husband, if he meets somebody else, I would understand, at least I know he is taken cared of in case I pass away. I kept on telling him that for two long years until my biggest operation in 2017 to close the aneurysm. On the day before my operation, I told him, if I don't survive it, I want him to move on right away and find a woman who would take care of him for the rest of his life. I survived the operation, but I was in coma. Doctors asked his permission to shut down the machines because they don't see any hopes anymore. He begged them another week.... and I woke up.

Up to this time, I have moments of anxiety attacks, but he is still there. I asked him once, why is he not letting go. My husband said, the day he asked for my hand, he told himself, "this girl will be my partner for better or worse, in sickness and in health, her pains will be my pains and her happiness will be mine. No matter what happen, I will never let go of her until my last breath. Because I love her and she completes me". He said, even if we are both busy with our computer games at night and exchanges only a few words, the fact that he knows and feels I am in the same room with him and I am physically well make him complete and happy.

You see, if a guy really loves you, no matter how hard you push them away, they will not leave you just like that. They will not give in to temptation just because you can't satisfy him. Fights are part of every relationship, even ours, we do fight, but we always choose to compromise. We look for solution to close our arguments, we don't throw hurtful words to each other, we keep distance and then when we are both ready, we talk and solve the problem together. Divorce was brought up once, but we both agreed in the end that it is not a solution, rather just an escape goat to face what is really trying to tear us apart. So we put our ego down and compromised. Staying in love is a lifetime decision. Not because the other person is lacking, the other will look for another person just to fill in. If that is the case, sadly but I don't think both parties have found their true love with each other. In this case, then letting go from both sides is the best to save themselves from hurting each other.

Friday, July 12, 2019

I'm Back!

Hi everyone! I am back! Well, might not be for long, but I just missed this blog. I started backreading my old posts and it feels like I have traveled through time. A lot of things happened in five years that I am away from here. I have posted some on my Wordpress blogs (Pinays in Germany and Träume und Realität). However, there are still missing events in those blogs. It has been a roller coaster ride the past years and when I say roller coaster, it is the scariest roller coaster I rode. Honestly, I am not sure if I am really already off from this roller coaster or I am just at the part that is preparing me for another scary loop. And I am afraid. I don't know if I can survive the next loops.

I honestly miss writing, but I just can't find the right words to blog more often just like the old days. I wish this will be the start...

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I Am Officially A Student

Although the 14th of October is still a long way ahead, I already paid my semester fees, in short: I am officially a student and my Goethe Card would be released on 14th of October. I am torn with my feelings about this thing. First of all, I have to start with the DSH Vorbereitungskurs and pass the DSH exam on February. The result on the 28th of February would be my ticket to getting into a Bachelor's program. That thing excites me, I can't wait not to work on chemical formulas again. It's been years since I last read and worked on anything relating to Chemistry. But this DSH course makes me nervous. I was able only to finish B2.1 last year and after a year of hiatus, the result of my assessment exam is C1! I met my soon-to-be-classmates and they speak really good! The pressure is starting to pile up in my mind and my heart. I am afraid and at the same time, I am not sure whether I would be lucky enough to meet new friends, though up to this time, I already got one, a Vietnamese and is here with a student visa.

I wish I can survive this life as a student. My husband is so proud of me and he expects a lot for me. I am his key to a good life back in the Philippines and I do not want to disappoint him.

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013


ACHTUNG! Women thing!

After my post about having a baby, here I am posting about something out of the ordinary. Anyway, I had my regular period last month, and when I say regular, it lasts for 6 days. Then this month, I was delayed, for about 5 days, my period came just yesterday but it is really so abnormal, it is more like spotting. What I find weird is, in between my last period until yesterday, my husband and I didn't do anything (except last Saturday when we were in Stuttgart). Anyway, that is what I find too confusing.

How can you have a regular period that lasts for 6 days with really strong flow and then pregnant. Is that ever possible to happen? Most that I find in the internet has more of like spotting than regular period.

It is so confusing being a woman... :(

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Friday, September 13, 2013

On Having A Baby

It seems like every Friday would be a ay for me to rant. Last week was when I forgot the date and today is about how I hate being asked on when are we going to have a baby. It is one of Filipino culture that I honestly hate. I remember when I was 18, and they were all telling me not to have a boyfriend yet because I am still young, then fast forward to 25 years old and they are saying whether I wanted to end up an old maid. And now that I am married they are asking when are we going to have a kid! I really hate it how people love to meddle on my personal affairs. I know that 29 going 30 is not young at all and is best time to conceive a child BUT I am just being practical, and is also for my future child's welfare. I guess I am too westernized for my south eastern family and it is out of the ordinary to take time and enjoy each day.

I don't know how can I end all these questions without offending them with my "no, not yet."

Friday, September 6, 2013

Random Musings on a Friday Afternoon

Have you ever experienced in your life, when you felt like you missed a day of your life? Aside from those time differences when travelling from one side of the world to the other side of the world, those times when you do your everyday chores, talk to people with whom you regularly talk to, and yet a day had slipped your fingers just like that. I am into that moment now, and I just feel so bad. It seems like I have missed a lot of things! Here is how I came to realize it today:

<The phone rang. It was my husband.>Husband: Hallo, Schatz, wie geht's dir? (Hi darling, how are you?)Me: Mir geht's gut, Baby. (I'm fine, baby).Husband: Gut zu wissen. Du, ich mache gleich Feierabend und ich mache morgen frei. (Nice to know. I am going home soon and I won't go to work tomorrow.)Me: Warum? (Why?) <I mean here about not going to work tomorrow.>Husband: Ich brauche Pause. (I need a break.)Me: Aber vorgestern hattest du schon frei, weil ich krank war. Was wird Michael denn sagen? (But you already had free day a day before yesterday because I was sick. What would Michael (his boss, by the way) say then?)Husband: Er hat gesagt, wer wird am Samstag arbeiten kann freiwillig entscheiden, also ich bin nicht gezwungen, diesen Samstag zu arbeiten. (He said, whoever wants to work on Saturday is free to decide, so that means I am not forced to work this Saturday.)Me: Ja, Samstag ist klar, aber morgen machst du frei, dann am 20.September machst du auch frei wegen meiner Prüfung in der Uni, du hast so viel frei! (Yes, Saturday is clear, but you wanted also to have free day tomorrow, and on 20th of September you're also not going to work because of my exam in the university. You have lots of leaves!)Husband: Morgen ist Samstag, Schatz. (Tomorrow is Saturday, my dear.)Me: Echt? Nein, das ist nicht wahr. Moment... (Really? No, that can't be true! Wait a minute...) (then I checked on the date on my laptop...)       Mein Rechner steht auch Freitag, aber nein!!! (My computer also says Friday, but noooo!!!) (then checked the date on my tablet and phone)       Mein Tablet und Handy sagen auch es ist schon Freitag! (My tablet and phone says it's really Friday!)Husband (laughing): Guten Morgen! Ausgeschlafen? (Good morning! Enough sleep now?)Me: Habe ich den ganzen Tag geschlafen? Wie kann es sein? Ich dachte, es ist nur Donnerstag! (Did I sleep the whole day? How can it be? I thought, it's only Thursday?)Husband: Ja, du hast Mittwoch Abend geschlafen und bist nur heute aufgestanden. (Yes, you slept last Wednesday evening and woke up only today.)Me: Nein...

And that is the story how my day seemed to be destroyed now, I felt like I missed a lot of Thursday events. What happened to me? Why did I have that feeling that I really skipped a day?

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