I am quite ashamed of myself. I recently found a job that is, I think, fits well with my lifestyle. Being seriously sick for the past years, even in artificial coma for almost a month, it is difficult for me to travel to work nor to work fulltime. Hence, I accepted more freelancing projects over Upwork and German language tutorials… type of work that I can do in the comforts of our home. However, we came to a point when we need more financially, and I found a non-voice-work-from-home customer service/ technical support job. I accepted it despite the contra that it is a fulltime job (I am not really sure if I am really ready for a fulltime, actually). The job itself is fun, but I am reminded why I left the call center world 13 years ago: the company demands make me crazy, not the customers. I enjoy being of help to customers, but I am having difficulty adhering to what the company expects from agents, especially the stats. And now, here I am, torn between resigning and staying.
It is not only the pressure with the statistics that makes me uneasy the past few days. It is more the fact that, I am aging, yet I don’t know what I really want to achieve in life. I am 36 and yet, I achieved nothing. It is always the same: I get to find a job and realize after a few months that it is not for me, that I am unhappy, so I set off again to find a new job and everything repeats. I don’t feel confident to meet my high school and university mates because they all have achieved something, one way or another, while here I am, still asking the same question I was asked when I was 18: what do I want to be?
I am 36 and yet I don’t know what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I feel so lost and don’t know where nor how to start. My husband kept on saying that my triumph over my aortic aneurysm and aortic dissection (reasons why I was in artificial coma) is such a great achievement already for I have lost a few acquaintances back in the Philippines for exactly the same sickness: aneurysm. However, I still don’t know why I survived it and why am I given a second chance to life. I feel so lost and I don’t know what I really want to do in my life. How I wish life comes with a manual, or that at least the directions are clearly written up there in the clouds. So I will know how to start and where to go.
