*random find from Pinterest*

I am in that mood again when I just want to be gone. Everything and everyone around me just nerves me the last time. I wanted to be in a place far, far away from my family. A place where no one knows me. I just need a place to work that would be enough for me to buy my food and my maintenance medication. But where can I go? Who can offer me a job with all my health issues? I am damned. I am stuck in this life for the rest of my life. I need to learn the art of "not giving a damn", of not caring at all, of just doing my personal routine and dismiss everyone else. I sometimes wonder why did I wake up from my coma? Why didn't I just die that day, when my daily life is just going to be this hell.

This is tiring. People say they understand me. But no, they are wrong. Nobody can really understand how I feel, how dark is it inside of me. This is not the life I wished to live.

Confused

trying to learn

the art of

speaking without words,

feeling without emotion,

to understand the world

without any explanation.

but i'm failing

and time is running.

soon i'm gone

and i still didn't find

the answer to my question

what life is.

Relationship Goal

Lately, I have read an anonymous letter in a forum of Filipinas married with another nationality and she has issues on infidelity of her husband. She's pregnant so she thought it is partly her fault why her husband is in search of another woman, because he has sexual needs that she can't satisfy. I felt sad and angry on how she argumented to "justify" her husband's infidelity, because she partly said she's okay with it, because she can't satisfy him as long as the baby is still in her.

I was in almost the same situation. Four years ago, I was diagnosed with thoracic aneurysm and aortic dissection, and it is due to a genetic disease I never knew I have. I was devastated, depressed, because I was a ticking bomb. I told my husband, if he meets somebody else, I would understand, at least I know he is taken cared of in case I pass away. I kept on telling him that for two long years until my biggest operation in 2017 to close the aneurysm. On the day before my operation, I told him, if I don't survive it, I want him to move on right away and find a woman who would take care of him for the rest of his life. I survived the operation, but I was in coma. Doctors asked his permission to shut down the machines because they don't see any hopes anymore. He begged them another week.... and I woke up.

Up to this time, I have moments of anxiety attacks, but he is still there. I asked him once, why is he not letting go. My husband said, the day he asked for my hand, he told himself, "this girl will be my partner for better or worse, in sickness and in health, her pains will be my pains and her happiness will be mine. No matter what happen, I will never let go of her until my last breath. Because I love her and she completes me". He said, even if we are both busy with our computer games at night and exchanges only a few words, the fact that he knows and feels I am in the same room with him and I am physically well make him complete and happy.

You see, if a guy really loves you, no matter how hard you push them away, they will not leave you just like that. They will not give in to temptation just because you can't satisfy him. Fights are part of every relationship, even ours, we do fight, but we always choose to compromise. We look for solution to close our arguments, we don't throw hurtful words to each other, we keep distance and then when we are both ready, we talk and solve the problem together. Divorce was brought up once, but we both agreed in the end that it is not a solution, rather just an escape goat to face what is really trying to tear us apart. So we put our ego down and compromised. Staying in love is a lifetime decision. Not because the other person is lacking, the other will look for another person just to fill in. If that is the case, sadly but I don't think both parties have found their true love with each other. In this case, then letting go from both sides is the best to save themselves from hurting each other.

I'm Back!

Hi everyone! I am back! Well, might not be for long, but I just missed this blog. I started backreading my old posts and it feels like I have traveled through time. A lot of things happened in five years that I am away from here. I have posted some on my Wordpress blogs (Pinays in Germany and Träume und Realität). However, there are still missing events in those blogs. It has been a roller coaster ride the past years and when I say roller coaster, it is the scariest roller coaster I rode. Honestly, I am not sure if I am really already off from this roller coaster or I am just at the part that is preparing me for another scary loop. And I am afraid. I don't know if I can survive the next loops.

I honestly miss writing, but I just can't find the right words to blog more often just like the old days. I wish this will be the start...

It's been a while since I was here. From now on, I will try to get this blog active once again. I just hope, I get the inspiration and motivation in the coming days.

Thank you for being patient and staying there despite the inactivity on this site.