A Better Life

I dunno if this is always normal. when you are in the middle of your blogging, when you suddenly lost your connection, and you have to re-type everything again... It's just that all my ideas were already put into words,and found out there was no draft saved (oh well, my fault too, I did not start my blog here, I made it directly at Multiply), so here I am again, re-typing what was already said...



A better life, I could say it has already begun. I got the job I was waiting for, I got the chance now to visit that country that I could only imagine during our classes way back in college. Yes, I am already with them, and soon will be flying to Germany for 2 months training. After which, I will be bonded to them for 2 years. Well, 2 years is not that long, but then, together with the bond is me not being able to transfer from one division to another (from Germany to US or APAC), not even to other department (Process to Training)... Well, I guess, July 17 really marked the last day for me to see "him". No chance for me to be part of their training team, not only because of the bond, but more so because our company will soon be separated from our existing company that bonds us right now. It's the sad part of being bonded and being part of this very strong company, that they have the potential of standing on its own. But the best part of this is, I got a tenure, I would never ever have any chance of being unemployed, I will have this job for the rest of my life. And I was able to say that not merely because of the 2 year bond I will have after this initial training in Germany on August, but more so because my German manager wants us to visit Germany twice each year for training, hence, the 2 years bond will always be renewed every year, and in this case, the APAC visits are not yet included on that.

Now, I can confidently say that life has been so good, and the best of life is already here. All I need to do is take good care of it and hold on to it. Life has been so good to me, I could not ask for more, and I AM LOVING IT! ;)

The Time Has Come

I had always wanted to blog this out but due to some unknown reasons, I do not have my access at the office again!

Damn IT, they don't want to give me back my internet, I will be staying for two more weeks na lang naman eh...

Yes, I resigned, and the reason why? It's because I got the job at Emerson, and I will be startiong with them on the 7th, though, I don't know yet when my flight will be going to Germany, but I'm just overly excited... See, I have been reviewing my German language time and again, hahaha!

Wish me luck at Emerson!

getting impatient

it's monday and there's no update still regarding my past medical examination... sigh! i'm getting impatient here and i really want to leave... but if i am not going to be called again, i am fully aware of the reason anyway, there was a finding regarding my heart condition... i'm afraid that my childhood condition is repeating... and this is all because of the stress and problems that i had gone through and currently going through...


i want to break free... i want a new life... i want a new place... this place isn't the place for me...

Another Beginning

This is my nth blog ever... Created this to be some sort of my online dear diary... Only me and me alone can read this... Anyway, to start with...

Currently, I am killing my time for doing one thing for three days now: GENERATE A NEW SCHEDULE FOR THE CHEMICAL GROUP OPERATORS. This is sooooo difficult for all of them comes from 14 groups, and our new manager wants them on two groups, whoa! How can I make it that way? I am no good with planning or anything... How I wish it's Wednesday so that I can already complete my medical and forward my resignation on this damn company... Am no longer happy here... I want to be away from here... Away forever, and no coming back... I want to visit Germany with my new co-employees and friends... I'm so excited I wanna do it all as soon as possible...


So far, that's the latest with my life and I am not good with that... Except of course for my appontment on Wednesday...

Bye, Tito Danny... I Will Never Ever Forget You...

May 14th of 2008...

One memorable date for me, as this reminds me of that someone, 3 years ago...

And now, this date will be memorable for the rest of my life...

6:30am: I was asleep at the office when I felt someone tapped my lap. I woke up and saw no one around me... So I went back to sleep till the bell rang... And went on with my work...

1:30pm: My cousin went online with the status message: Life is too short. I greeted her belated happy birthday since the 12th was her birthday and I was not able to greet her... She said thanks and told me the worst news this year.... Our beloved, Tito Danny passed away that morning...

I was not able to control my feelings, I cried at the office... I cried and cried and tried to call my mom. But she was not answering the phone. I don't want to believe the bad news, but in my heart, I know it was the truth...

4:00pm: Mom already texted me saying she doesn't want to tell me yet until my interview was done, but then, my couz already told me, and it's better to tell me the truth. My mom knew I won't be okay... I had double thinking about the interview, I wanna go home and see my beloved tito, but then Loi told me to attend my interview, my tito will guide me... Still, I was lucky that the client had important family matters as well, and the interview was called off, or else, I might have not been able to answer his questions.

11:30pm: Even if I am sleepy, I chose to go straight to the chapel first before going home, despite the fact that I have work the following day. I felt pity, it was so difficult for me to see his body lying lifeless, at an improvised bed, because no coffin fits him. I cried seeing him on that situation, and held his cold hand... But all we can do is wait for the coffin to be built for him, he's just too big to fit on ordinary coffins available...

1:30am: We went home and slept. When I closed my eyes, I saw him watching over me as I fell asleep. I cried and cried till I was deeply slumbered...

I was planning to forget May 14, since this was the start of a bitter feeling, yet, tito made this another memorable one... He taught me one thing on his leaving: Forgetting does not cure all the pain, it is accepting...

We will surely miss our Santa Claus... I will surely miss his teachings and his strict way of teaching us life... I will surely miss his laughs and his tap... It was him who tapped my lap when I was asleep, bidding me goodbye... I will surely miss the good old days... All those days when he became a father to me, when he filled in all the emptiness I feel, when he filled in all the things that my own father cannot fill in... I am not a direct niece, for my mom is just his wife's first cousin, and yet, he treated me like his own daughter already... Get mad when I am going astray, and takes pride of my successes... I could never forget how he told evveryone he knows that he got a niece who passed the PRC exam and now a CHEMIST... He took pride of me, and boosted my morale,and made me feel how great it is to be a CHEMIST...

Now, he's gone, with the One Above... I don't know what life is ahead for me and my mom... He's our sole family and protector... He made us feel that we are not alone... I know and I am feeling it now, how big the difference is without him in our life... Tito Danny will always be Tito Danny, no one could ever replace him... A father not only for Kuya Dondon, Ate Dona, Ate Jessica and Kuya Tomtom, but also a father to all his niece and nephew regardless of the degree, a father of Taysan National High School, a father of Brgy. Taysan, a father of all seminarians, and a father of the whole San Jose, Batangas... The town's Big Brother, our family's Santa Claus, every youth's Daddy, and every laborer's Lawyer.

I love you Tito Danny, I may have not thanked you enough when you were alive, but I know, you know how thankful I am I got you as an uncle, for without you, I don't know where I will be right now, and I don't know what could have been the circumstances of our family life if we do not have you around when you were still alive...

I will miss you most... I love you... I am praying for your eternal happiness... Please watch over me everyday,and tap me everytime I do the same mistakes... Don't leave us behind, and don't let any of us go astray...

Good bye, our DEAREST, the BIGGEST, the GREATEST UNCLE OF ALL...

See you at the cross roads, Tito Danny...

Decisions...Decisions...Decisions...

i've been like this since yesterday that i even forgot it was my grandfather's 10th death anniversary (sorry, mamay...)



first news that came to me was the reorganization that will take place SOON..and soon means next week...not next year, nor next month, but next week...part of the reorganization is the transfer of chemprep from slg to something independent...and i was offered to be included on that move...



second news, there is an urgent need for a new safety engineer, to replace ma'am auds who will be resigning soon...this position is one of my dream position...to be a safety engineer...



third news, a phone call, from a dream company...i was shortlisted by them and i am endorsed for client interview this thursday (may 15) supposedly, but then it was moved earlier, may 14, this time...

alright, so this blog is a week delayed since i started writing this...

the interview was cancelled again, and that will push through on monday...pray for me...

the transfer was not yet official, since there's no memo yet, however, i am currently reporting to 2 managers...

safety engineer position is no longer for me, my managers didn't agreed to give me to sir ed, that's the sad part of it... so i do hope that i can make it on my interview so that i can already leave this worst nightmare of my life...

I Lost My First Blog Ever

i was readign through my blogs here, and oh well, I did some stupidity last October, when all characters here were in Japanese still...

I DELETED MY BLOGS that was dated December of 2006 till September of 2007.

so it appears now that i started blogging here only last october, when in fact, i started this a month after i started my gmail account (which i'm not quite sure but i guess that was in November of 2006).

wala na ko proofs ng mga lamentations ko sa previous jobs ko and how i landed on that job, including my most frustrating experience working at salinas for a month, and a very memorable christmas eve of 2006, all those stories were gone, and i could no longer get hold of again... all were lost because of one reason:

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ NIHONGGO CHARACTERS... :(

Are You Drunk?!?

Last night, me and my team went on a small dinner celebration at Gilligan's Island at Festival Mall, Alabang. Had some drinking sessions, and most of them sang. I could not understand why they, most specially Jolly, kept on telling me I was drunk last night, when in fact I AM NOT! Throughout my drinking days, I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED BEING DRUNK yet, not ever.

I first had a bitter taste of beer when I was in third year high school. That was during Lipa Fiesta at my best friend's house. Kuya Sam brought us some bottles of Pale Pilsen, yup, Pale Pilsen, San Mig Light was not yet available in the market that time. I was able to finish one bottle only, not because I got drunk, but because I started to get red. I dunno, maybe I am allergic to malt, or something, (weird however, coz my daily morning beverage is composed of malt, Milo has malt right?). So there, but it did not hindered me from drinking. The next drinking I made was with my cousins, I think, GIN POMELO, but mixed for the ladies, and that was a few months after my first try (summer of '99 to be exact). Since then, drinking has always been part of every occasion I attend to. The worst drinking that I did was during Aimee's debut, November of 2002. Her step father owns this mini mart at our town, and they do have liquor section. After the program, we started to sit around and open some drinks, we did not planned to have an actual drinking, we just want to finish one bottle of Fundador, at least. So we started with Fundador, with NO CHASER! But after finishing Fundador, we were craving for more, so we opened anotehr Fundador, then Johnny Walker, then Gilbey's Gin, then Novellino, then a white wine which I forgot the brand, then champagne (yes, champagne went last), until we turned the bar down. My friends still wants some more, so we opened the mini mart, and went to the liquor section, and took whatever we find on the counter. We had 3 bottles more of red wine (varying brands), 2 bottles of Gilbey's, another Fundador, a vodka and a tequila. Most are already crawling due to drunkenness, and some were already asleep on the table after finishing the last bottles we got. While 5 of us were not yet affected by the alcohol we just take, we went to the rooftop and waited for the dawn. We wanna go home, but the gates are closed still, it'll open up by 7am. I am not sure, but I think I am slightly drunk that time, coz I told them, I want to climb the gates and get away. But of course, the gates won over me, I was not able to get home early. The earlier I wanna get home, the later I was able to do so, because after watching the beautiful sunrise, we went downstairs and cleaned the function hall. We were so tired that we went inside Aimee's bedroom, we all fell asleep. Before we knew it, Aimee's mom was waking us up for LUNCH, yup, FOR LUNCH, and it was actually late for lunch as well, coz it was already 1:30PM. Okay, maybe you'd say I was drunk and I just didn't felt it, I was not, we were just tired cleaning up the mess and all the puke the party goers left (it's really, ewww to clean those stuff!). Next drinking session that I hated was the following summer, Summer of 2003. It was my cousin's birthday and we just thought of renting the nearest pool, and party, without drinks, of course. But my dear best-friend former suitor came along with his brother and sister, carrying with him a box of Ginebra San Miguel and a pitcher. He went out and bought one pack of pomelo flavored powder juice, and mixed gin with the juice on the pitcher. I didn't know how he made it, but he told his sister not to join us, I thought what he only cares about was because she was too young by then to join sessions like that. The pitcher was already halved, and I felt I wanna pee, that was also the only time I noticed I was the only girl in the group, 4 of my cousins and him, I stood up and said I am going to the washroom, he called his sister and told her to accompany me, I said I can handle myself, but when I tried to take my first step, waahhh! I almost fell, and I hugged the post. That time, I knew, the mix was made for guys, he did not diluted it with drinking water, I hated him that time! But that session made me increase my alcohol content even farther, maybe that's why I never get drunk even if I finish all that my drinking pals cannot finish. In our native language, I am "taga-salo".

So going back to last night, 4 bottles of San Mig Light cannot bring me down, that I am certain of. I may have turned red after a few bottles, but that was normal, I am not yet drunk. Only Tequila without chaser can put me down. I am not a drunkard, but my alcohol content is high, I can handle no matter how many bottles there are, I am not from Vilela family if I can be easily put down by mere San Mig Light. As what my friend always tell the people who doesn't know I drink, "She doesn't drink, yeah, I agree, but the statement doesn't end there, she doesn't drink beverages WITHOUT FLAVOR..." Hmmm...I should have thrown the question back to Jolly last night:

Non Sense Pics During Company Outing

Calbarzon.. On the way puntang Island Cove, di ako makatulog sa shuttle...

I don't have great pics ng outing. Pa'no, I hate the place, and I hate the event... Ang boring, I should have stayed at home na lang... nawalan pa ng bat ang cam ko, so wala talga.. I have pics sa cam ng ibang co-engineers ko kaso, wala eh, di ko makuha copies na meron ako, kasi I forgot na kung sino sino yung may cam na meron ako pic, hahaha! Kaya yan, napag-tripan ko na lang flip flops ko and glitter tattoo ko...

Goodbyes Are Not Forever

The past week has been a week of a lot of goodbyes. On the 1st of May, was the burial of Kuya Ed. It was heartwarming indeed to see the number of people who joined and sympathized as his family grieved his leaving. It was so sad, yet we know, he's more than happy now wherever he may be...

The morning of 1st as well, Shana's mom also passed away, but I am not sure what the reason of her death was... I was supposed to go to Bulacan and join her as she grieve, but then, a lot of things need to be done at the office, plus the interment on the 1st, while the kada went to Bulacan on the 1st. I will just offer a prayer for tita...

Day before the 1st, the 30th of April, Sir Dann, already filed his resignation... It's so great to know he's going to leave HICAP soon, meaning, there's more life ahead for us outside of HICAP. It brought back the hope in me, the hope to be able to leave HICAP... But at the same time, it's sad to know he's leaving, for he's the only person I get to be close with in the team, him and Jolly of course, and now that he will be leaving HICAP on the 9th of May, it then marks my being a loner again...

A lot of goodbyes to deal with in a week... A lot of leaving... But I know goodbyes are not forever... Soon we'll all meet again, somewhere, somehow...

I wish it's my time for goodbye this week as well...

Hello Stranger...

I wanna see this guy again... wanna hear him play the drums again... he makes the drums go wild the same way he do with my heart...

I caught him looking at me, but it ended up me staring at him... I can't take my eyes off of him even for a second... I like the way he smiles... The way he plays the drums... He's everything I want to know for now... Who are you, stranger? What's behind those eyes that makes me go ga-ga over knowing you?

Will we ever meet again? Will I soon get to know your name?

Who are you? Why do I feel this way for you? I want to know you, stranger... I wanna see you play the drums again and have my heart beat the way it beat last night...

I hope it won't be long to see you again, and finally get to know each other...

Nightmare Began...(or was it the end of it?)

This morning, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. As in, I was still trembling and my heart's palpitation was too much for me to handle.

My dream was about this guy I have been avoiding for days now. I am avoiding him not because I don't like him, in fact, I used to like him (yeah, USED to...), but when things started to change, I started to move away... He no longer is the same guy I used to hang out with, a lot of things changed in him... His outlook in life and his attitude towards other people, most especially to me. I am not demanding him to give me utmost attention, but the reverse, I want his distance... For weeks, I started to be afraid of him, of what he could possibly do, that I sought help from a friend to overcome my fear of him, and be able to move like before. She did, she helped me by showing support and that she'll protect me from whatever he might be capable of doing, but then, he grew more aggressive and suddenly got mad at me for simply me not doing what he wants. Anyway, going back to my dream, I dreamt about him, not the usual stories of dreams, I dreamt he was dead, as in lifeless. In my dream, my mom and godmother told me a news about a family friend's son who passed away, mentioning the name, but my expression didn't changed at first, as if, I don't believe them, until we went to the wake. The place was similar, though the lay out of the house was different from theirs, but the place and the direction we are heading really looks like we're heading their house. We went inside, and I saw his mom in my dream, and my mom telling us stories of how thoughtful he was, for buying Nanay a dress, or something, which I cannot remember him doing in real life, so I thought it could be someone else, only the name was used. But when it was time to give respect to the remains, I screamed and cried (even in real life, I did!), for it was him inside the open coffin (kinda weird that the coffin was open but there's a body inside, anyway, it was a dream, and dreams always have weird stuffs)...Anyway, so that was the story of my dream, and I woke up screaming and crying and my heart pounding so fast as if I have ran a thousand-meter race.

That's the reason why I woke up earlier than usual, and was able to catch the second bus, yes, the SECOND shuttle bus..hahaha! I woke up and went through my usual routine thinking, "what does my dream wants to say?"

I remembered on my first job, my friend told me that dreaming of a wake signifies that the person inside the coffin will soon get married, but what if the coffin is open?Will it still signify the same meaning? And whoa! He will soon get married? I don't know if it's a relief for me or not, it's a mixture of feelings, so I consulted the ever friendly search engines to interpret that mind-boggling dream, here's what dreamcrowd.com has as an answer for me:

To dream that you attend a wake, symbolizes your need to grieve or let go of something that has been close to you. It is also okay to seek the support of those around you to help you get through this difficult time.

Okay, so that was the best interpretation I was able to get, and probably the closest one to what I am currently going through...But me, to grieve? I guess, letting go is okay for me, but to grieve time and again, no way! I don't wanna go through those steps again, I am okay now, and I am now learning to let go, I don't need to weep again like before.

I hope that dream interpretation was for real, for I cannot accept it if it means worse for the person in my dream, it's true, I'm mad at him but I do not want to wish him bad luck or something, I just want to move on, and let go of our story, that's all...

So, could that nightmare be a beginning of a very long nightmare in real life, or was it already the end of it? I hope it's the second one... ;)

Work After Vacation

Another work week is so difficult to begin. After two days of vacation, plus a day of fun (anyway, was it fun?!?) with all of the company's employees, then you have to report for work the following day... It is indeed soooo difficult. I cannot push myself to have a very productive Tuesday. All I try to do is starting to be a mess...

My mind's travelling far and I can't help myself not to yawn. I still want to stay at home and surf the net... OR stay at Kuya Ed's wake and spend with him his last 3 days at his house, (yes, the interment is scheduled on Thursday or Friday, I am not sure as well)... And what's so bad about me, I haven't visited his wake yet, though I was aware of his leaving since Sunday. Now, I am feeling so guilty, blogging about his goodness, yet I haven't given a respect yet on his remains. In fact, I am planning not to render an overtime today, for two main reasons: I'M BORED, and I WANNA VISIT KUYA ED...

Hope I could do that today... Hope the tasks won't be coming and pile up in the afternoon, or else, I'm DEAD!

See you soon, Kuya Ed...

I haven't seen Kuya Ed for almost half a year now...Well, honestly, I can't remember the time I last saw him passing by and calling my mom, "FHEL!!!"... And now, I guess, seeing him would take longer than a decade for me... He passed away last night while having fun with some friends at a wedding shower somewhere down our street...

As per my ninang's story, he was so happy last night seeing my ninang, his good friend whom he haven't seeen for quite sometime due to work and a sudden change of residence for my ninang... Ninang said, they were so happy, laughing around, and dancing... But they parted ways earlier, coz ninang and some of her friends and some of my tita's have to visit my tito in the hospital as well... But while at the hospital, somebody called my tita and said, "Kapitana, balik kayo dito, natumba si Ed, masama pakiramdam (Captain, come back here, Ed fell down and not in good condition)"..My tita, thinking it's just brought about his drunkenness said she'll go back after an hour, they'll wait for tito to wake up first. But the guy on the phone insisted, and my tita, being the barangay captain, then returned home..But they received a text message to go directly to the hospital, coz Kuya Ed was sent to the hospital already.

Still on the car, they already saw a lot of people, and when Ninang saw Ate Milette crying and almost breaking down, she rushed down the car and went to Ate Milette directly. Right then and there, she heard the doctor saying that it was too late, Kuya Ed didn't made it...

The fun they had earlier was suddenly replaced with grieve and regrets.Kuya Ed, known to be one of the greatest person in town, one of the best Barangay Councilor, undeniably the best person you can run to anytime, for whatever reason, has already joined our dear Creator.

I remembered those days when Kuya Ed and his friends would stay here and dine on our little restau. He loves my mom's lomi and pancit, plus the grilled isaw and barbeque... He loves to eat and he eats a lot... He knows when to have fun and when to be serious... He loves his family so much, most especially his little sister, Ate Nita... He loves her so much that he chose not to get married, and just take care of her and of his nieces and nephews.. He did everything for his family, and just recently, did everything for the barangay as well, despite all the hurting words his own family says about him, he did not stop helping the barangay and all the people that needs his service...

We will definitely miss Kuya Ed... His laughter that none could ever replace... The laughs that would unfathomably show how happy he is and how great life has been to him... Now, I would never see his smiling face again... I would never hear him calling my mom for some story telling and tambay's...

Kuya Ed, I know wherever you are right now, you are more than happy there... No more hurting words, no more difficult living... You're with God Almighty, and nothing could ever replace the joy and happiness you are experiencing right now, even if there's no Ginebra San Miguel or beers there, nor isaw, lomi and pancit...Life may have ended for you, but an everlasting life was given to you... A gift given only to those that deserve it... To people who made the best out of their earthly lives... And you are so lucky for God chose to take care of you... He knows it's time that it is you to be taken care of, it's time for you to rest and be joyful...

We will miss you Kuya Ed, but we are happy coz we know you are happy...

See you at the crossroads soon, Kuya Ed...

Don't forget to look over at us from Up Above...

We Love you Kuya Eddis...

Trying To Blog Something Great

Today, I planned to look at the brighter side of life, despite all the not-so-great things that is happening around me right now. I have decided that from now on, I will be blogging more about great things and minimize (not totally avoiding it) blabbing about failures and frustrating events that happens each day.

Let me start about what went on yesterday...

I was early, yey! After a month, I was able to catch the shuttle service at Lipa City, though we were caught by the traffic and arrived 10 minutes before the time, still, I managed not to take the public transportation on my first working day. Then, my uncle was not admitted in the hospital, thank God, he is suffering from asthma, that's all, but no need for a hospital admission, according to his doctor...

Today, though, I woke up just in time, but I was left by the shuttle service. I already knew ahead that I won't be able to catch the last bus, so I extended my PUB destination another 4 km or more... What's the best thing about this morning? Hmmm... I saw my cousin that I haven't seenfor quite a while, we were on the same PUB, but we were seated distantly, so we chatted through text, so crazy of us, ain't we?

So far, my day has just started, I am not sure what other great things will happen till tonight. Whatever it may be, I am ready, and I am looking forward to all of those things happening to me....

Have a great day everyone!

Writing Is Not For Me...

this is it... i now accept that writing is not for me... i took the risk of venturing on this as a career.. tried a lot of writing websites and sent them my sample works... but none of them returned any reply to me... none was satisfied with my works... i guess, they were right... writing is not for me... i could never ever be a writer no matter how i tried to be one...

and now, i'm back... back to that time when i don't know what i want in life... what i want to be...i'm tired with my current job... but where should i go now? i don't know.. and i no longer know what is in store for me... what future lies ahead for me...

"love your job"

I had a few words with my professor few days ago...She asked me how I'm doing and where on earth am I right now. I told her I am currently working as an engineer in a manufacturing company where REAL engineers dominates me. I told her the truth that I am really having a hard time here, trying to fit in and doing my best to excel, but it seems like my heart does not belong here, it seems like I am not destined to be here... <Or was I actually destined to be here that's why I cannot find a replacement job? Sigh! I wish I am not destined here!>

Going back, she asked me what made me think this way. Why I am like this when in fact, when I was in college, I was the one who was consistently doing good and focused, how come that when I was already working, things suddenly became so dark for me. I could not answer her, for I myself asks those things to myself. What happened to me? What happened to the "CY" they once knew, the one who loved Chemistry so much was determined to be one of the country's most respectable Chemist.

Yes, those were my dreams years ago, when I was still in college. I was overwhelmed by the thoughts of working in a pharmaceuticals company, or any consumer company, and be able to generate my own product line, or at least say, that this new soap that Company Z is currently marketing via ads at TV, radio, newspaper and tarpaulins, is no other than a product of my own perseverance, somethign worth remembering, that once in my life, I had created a product that turned every Filipino eyeing for that, wanting to use that.

But where am I right now? I am always landing at the wrong job... Paper industry, polymer industry, salt industry, and now, a semiconductors company... Those companies that I want to be part of does not want to hire me. Some turned me down due to my health, others simply does not want to hire me because, there are better chemists ahead of me.

I told her, I am starting to feel so frustrated about my career, that I want to make a total 360 degree turn and start anew. I know, my words struck her and made her frustrated herself, for she was just only able to say: "uy, wag ka ma-frustrate. Try to love your job so you won't feel tired and bored." But the question is, how can I love this job when my heart is not here? How can I put my heart into it so I won't feel frustrated, tired or bored?

Maybe you got the answer.. Maybe you can help me out... How can I learn to love a job that I hate as of this time? What should I do to make myself love this job and make me stay here for good?

Why I Love Writing

When I was a kid, I was the only kid in the house, so my mom and aunts would give me a pen and paper to keep me busy and stop bugging them...

I thought my family will continuously support me with my want of holding pen and paper. But when I was in high school, my mom asked me to quit writing, to forget about anything about writing... I was hurt... It seems like my world was shattered... Writing has always been part of me... Writing has always been my way of life, and they would suddenly ask me to quit it and to never pursue it as my chosen career...

I was asked to take on a career I never really envisioned myself doing... I was forced to love a life that was totally new to me... A career path that I am not sure what lies ahead... But despite everything, I remained rooted to what I really want... I continued writing hidden in shadows... I wrote without letting my family know... It was so frustrating for me that my own family does not care about what I want to achieve... I feel so alone... But it never stopped me from pursuing what I want to do... What I want to achieve...

I am still writing... And I will write till the last breath of me... For in writing, I can be who I want to be... In writing, I am capable of anything... In writing, I am free... Only in writing can I say that I am who God wants me to be...

goodbye to love

i want to bid love goodbye... but HOW?

i wish it's as easy as waving your hand, turn your back and walk away...

i wish it's not that heartbreaking and won't require shedding too much tears...

but it isn't!

saying goodbye to love is not as easy as simply writing on the sand "GOODBYE LOVE" and leave it behind... it won't work... it won't help... today it is, but tomorrow, it won't... you'll be wanting love back... you'll be asking for his presence again... you'll be longing for his kisses and his touch... and everything that you've written in the sand will simply be washed away by the sea... you'll be back to weeping... back to thinking... back to loving him, all on your own...

love is not that easy to let go... nor is it easy to forget... one great love will forever be a part of you... one great love filled with the most wonderful memories will forever be haunting you...and that one great love will never ever leave you, no matter how many times you have said the lines:

"GOODBYE, LOVE... GOODBYE TO LOVE..."

missing you so badly

i dunno what happened, but for weeks, i lost access to this blog, and to my mails... was i blocked? i don't know and i don't care...

i miss him...

that's the only thing on my mind right now... i miss him... though i know it isn't right... i can't help not to miss him... everyday, i am looking forward seeing him... no matter how hard i try to keep myself from texting or calling him, it doesn't work, in fact, i called him last tuesday and asked him to visit me... even if that was for only 20 minutes seeing him, that was the best damn minutes of my life this month... i know i could never ever get him out of my life... never could i ever live my life without him...

he's my life... he's my everything...

he's my past, my present and will forever be...

so stupid of me to love him! damn it!