Nightmare Began...(or was it the end of it?)

This morning, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. As in, I was still trembling and my heart's palpitation was too much for me to handle.

My dream was about this guy I have been avoiding for days now. I am avoiding him not because I don't like him, in fact, I used to like him (yeah, USED to...), but when things started to change, I started to move away... He no longer is the same guy I used to hang out with, a lot of things changed in him... His outlook in life and his attitude towards other people, most especially to me. I am not demanding him to give me utmost attention, but the reverse, I want his distance... For weeks, I started to be afraid of him, of what he could possibly do, that I sought help from a friend to overcome my fear of him, and be able to move like before. She did, she helped me by showing support and that she'll protect me from whatever he might be capable of doing, but then, he grew more aggressive and suddenly got mad at me for simply me not doing what he wants. Anyway, going back to my dream, I dreamt about him, not the usual stories of dreams, I dreamt he was dead, as in lifeless. In my dream, my mom and godmother told me a news about a family friend's son who passed away, mentioning the name, but my expression didn't changed at first, as if, I don't believe them, until we went to the wake. The place was similar, though the lay out of the house was different from theirs, but the place and the direction we are heading really looks like we're heading their house. We went inside, and I saw his mom in my dream, and my mom telling us stories of how thoughtful he was, for buying Nanay a dress, or something, which I cannot remember him doing in real life, so I thought it could be someone else, only the name was used. But when it was time to give respect to the remains, I screamed and cried (even in real life, I did!), for it was him inside the open coffin (kinda weird that the coffin was open but there's a body inside, anyway, it was a dream, and dreams always have weird stuffs)...Anyway, so that was the story of my dream, and I woke up screaming and crying and my heart pounding so fast as if I have ran a thousand-meter race.

That's the reason why I woke up earlier than usual, and was able to catch the second bus, yes, the SECOND shuttle bus..hahaha! I woke up and went through my usual routine thinking, "what does my dream wants to say?"

I remembered on my first job, my friend told me that dreaming of a wake signifies that the person inside the coffin will soon get married, but what if the coffin is open?Will it still signify the same meaning? And whoa! He will soon get married? I don't know if it's a relief for me or not, it's a mixture of feelings, so I consulted the ever friendly search engines to interpret that mind-boggling dream, here's what dreamcrowd.com has as an answer for me:

To dream that you attend a wake, symbolizes your need to grieve or let go of something that has been close to you. It is also okay to seek the support of those around you to help you get through this difficult time.

Okay, so that was the best interpretation I was able to get, and probably the closest one to what I am currently going through...But me, to grieve? I guess, letting go is okay for me, but to grieve time and again, no way! I don't wanna go through those steps again, I am okay now, and I am now learning to let go, I don't need to weep again like before.

I hope that dream interpretation was for real, for I cannot accept it if it means worse for the person in my dream, it's true, I'm mad at him but I do not want to wish him bad luck or something, I just want to move on, and let go of our story, that's all...

So, could that nightmare be a beginning of a very long nightmare in real life, or was it already the end of it? I hope it's the second one... ;)

Work After Vacation

Another work week is so difficult to begin. After two days of vacation, plus a day of fun (anyway, was it fun?!?) with all of the company's employees, then you have to report for work the following day... It is indeed soooo difficult. I cannot push myself to have a very productive Tuesday. All I try to do is starting to be a mess...

My mind's travelling far and I can't help myself not to yawn. I still want to stay at home and surf the net... OR stay at Kuya Ed's wake and spend with him his last 3 days at his house, (yes, the interment is scheduled on Thursday or Friday, I am not sure as well)... And what's so bad about me, I haven't visited his wake yet, though I was aware of his leaving since Sunday. Now, I am feeling so guilty, blogging about his goodness, yet I haven't given a respect yet on his remains. In fact, I am planning not to render an overtime today, for two main reasons: I'M BORED, and I WANNA VISIT KUYA ED...

Hope I could do that today... Hope the tasks won't be coming and pile up in the afternoon, or else, I'm DEAD!

See you soon, Kuya Ed...

I haven't seen Kuya Ed for almost half a year now...Well, honestly, I can't remember the time I last saw him passing by and calling my mom, "FHEL!!!"... And now, I guess, seeing him would take longer than a decade for me... He passed away last night while having fun with some friends at a wedding shower somewhere down our street...

As per my ninang's story, he was so happy last night seeing my ninang, his good friend whom he haven't seeen for quite sometime due to work and a sudden change of residence for my ninang... Ninang said, they were so happy, laughing around, and dancing... But they parted ways earlier, coz ninang and some of her friends and some of my tita's have to visit my tito in the hospital as well... But while at the hospital, somebody called my tita and said, "Kapitana, balik kayo dito, natumba si Ed, masama pakiramdam (Captain, come back here, Ed fell down and not in good condition)"..My tita, thinking it's just brought about his drunkenness said she'll go back after an hour, they'll wait for tito to wake up first. But the guy on the phone insisted, and my tita, being the barangay captain, then returned home..But they received a text message to go directly to the hospital, coz Kuya Ed was sent to the hospital already.

Still on the car, they already saw a lot of people, and when Ninang saw Ate Milette crying and almost breaking down, she rushed down the car and went to Ate Milette directly. Right then and there, she heard the doctor saying that it was too late, Kuya Ed didn't made it...

The fun they had earlier was suddenly replaced with grieve and regrets.Kuya Ed, known to be one of the greatest person in town, one of the best Barangay Councilor, undeniably the best person you can run to anytime, for whatever reason, has already joined our dear Creator.

I remembered those days when Kuya Ed and his friends would stay here and dine on our little restau. He loves my mom's lomi and pancit, plus the grilled isaw and barbeque... He loves to eat and he eats a lot... He knows when to have fun and when to be serious... He loves his family so much, most especially his little sister, Ate Nita... He loves her so much that he chose not to get married, and just take care of her and of his nieces and nephews.. He did everything for his family, and just recently, did everything for the barangay as well, despite all the hurting words his own family says about him, he did not stop helping the barangay and all the people that needs his service...

We will definitely miss Kuya Ed... His laughter that none could ever replace... The laughs that would unfathomably show how happy he is and how great life has been to him... Now, I would never see his smiling face again... I would never hear him calling my mom for some story telling and tambay's...

Kuya Ed, I know wherever you are right now, you are more than happy there... No more hurting words, no more difficult living... You're with God Almighty, and nothing could ever replace the joy and happiness you are experiencing right now, even if there's no Ginebra San Miguel or beers there, nor isaw, lomi and pancit...Life may have ended for you, but an everlasting life was given to you... A gift given only to those that deserve it... To people who made the best out of their earthly lives... And you are so lucky for God chose to take care of you... He knows it's time that it is you to be taken care of, it's time for you to rest and be joyful...

We will miss you Kuya Ed, but we are happy coz we know you are happy...

See you at the crossroads soon, Kuya Ed...

Don't forget to look over at us from Up Above...

We Love you Kuya Eddis...

Trying To Blog Something Great

Today, I planned to look at the brighter side of life, despite all the not-so-great things that is happening around me right now. I have decided that from now on, I will be blogging more about great things and minimize (not totally avoiding it) blabbing about failures and frustrating events that happens each day.

Let me start about what went on yesterday...

I was early, yey! After a month, I was able to catch the shuttle service at Lipa City, though we were caught by the traffic and arrived 10 minutes before the time, still, I managed not to take the public transportation on my first working day. Then, my uncle was not admitted in the hospital, thank God, he is suffering from asthma, that's all, but no need for a hospital admission, according to his doctor...

Today, though, I woke up just in time, but I was left by the shuttle service. I already knew ahead that I won't be able to catch the last bus, so I extended my PUB destination another 4 km or more... What's the best thing about this morning? Hmmm... I saw my cousin that I haven't seenfor quite a while, we were on the same PUB, but we were seated distantly, so we chatted through text, so crazy of us, ain't we?

So far, my day has just started, I am not sure what other great things will happen till tonight. Whatever it may be, I am ready, and I am looking forward to all of those things happening to me....

Have a great day everyone!

Writing Is Not For Me...

this is it... i now accept that writing is not for me... i took the risk of venturing on this as a career.. tried a lot of writing websites and sent them my sample works... but none of them returned any reply to me... none was satisfied with my works... i guess, they were right... writing is not for me... i could never ever be a writer no matter how i tried to be one...

and now, i'm back... back to that time when i don't know what i want in life... what i want to be...i'm tired with my current job... but where should i go now? i don't know.. and i no longer know what is in store for me... what future lies ahead for me...

"love your job"

I had a few words with my professor few days ago...She asked me how I'm doing and where on earth am I right now. I told her I am currently working as an engineer in a manufacturing company where REAL engineers dominates me. I told her the truth that I am really having a hard time here, trying to fit in and doing my best to excel, but it seems like my heart does not belong here, it seems like I am not destined to be here... <Or was I actually destined to be here that's why I cannot find a replacement job? Sigh! I wish I am not destined here!>

Going back, she asked me what made me think this way. Why I am like this when in fact, when I was in college, I was the one who was consistently doing good and focused, how come that when I was already working, things suddenly became so dark for me. I could not answer her, for I myself asks those things to myself. What happened to me? What happened to the "CY" they once knew, the one who loved Chemistry so much was determined to be one of the country's most respectable Chemist.

Yes, those were my dreams years ago, when I was still in college. I was overwhelmed by the thoughts of working in a pharmaceuticals company, or any consumer company, and be able to generate my own product line, or at least say, that this new soap that Company Z is currently marketing via ads at TV, radio, newspaper and tarpaulins, is no other than a product of my own perseverance, somethign worth remembering, that once in my life, I had created a product that turned every Filipino eyeing for that, wanting to use that.

But where am I right now? I am always landing at the wrong job... Paper industry, polymer industry, salt industry, and now, a semiconductors company... Those companies that I want to be part of does not want to hire me. Some turned me down due to my health, others simply does not want to hire me because, there are better chemists ahead of me.

I told her, I am starting to feel so frustrated about my career, that I want to make a total 360 degree turn and start anew. I know, my words struck her and made her frustrated herself, for she was just only able to say: "uy, wag ka ma-frustrate. Try to love your job so you won't feel tired and bored." But the question is, how can I love this job when my heart is not here? How can I put my heart into it so I won't feel frustrated, tired or bored?

Maybe you got the answer.. Maybe you can help me out... How can I learn to love a job that I hate as of this time? What should I do to make myself love this job and make me stay here for good?

Why I Love Writing

When I was a kid, I was the only kid in the house, so my mom and aunts would give me a pen and paper to keep me busy and stop bugging them...

I thought my family will continuously support me with my want of holding pen and paper. But when I was in high school, my mom asked me to quit writing, to forget about anything about writing... I was hurt... It seems like my world was shattered... Writing has always been part of me... Writing has always been my way of life, and they would suddenly ask me to quit it and to never pursue it as my chosen career...

I was asked to take on a career I never really envisioned myself doing... I was forced to love a life that was totally new to me... A career path that I am not sure what lies ahead... But despite everything, I remained rooted to what I really want... I continued writing hidden in shadows... I wrote without letting my family know... It was so frustrating for me that my own family does not care about what I want to achieve... I feel so alone... But it never stopped me from pursuing what I want to do... What I want to achieve...

I am still writing... And I will write till the last breath of me... For in writing, I can be who I want to be... In writing, I am capable of anything... In writing, I am free... Only in writing can I say that I am who God wants me to be...