Have you ever felt regrets about your past? Things that made you think of taking a ride back to that time so that you can make up with it… Then, you begin to contemplate, what life you could have right now if that part of your past was different. And you feel regrets over and over, especially if you found out that thing has changed and gone out your hand for good… And you just know, it’s your piece when somebody asks you if you experienced to have someone, or something, get away from your life forever…
When I was in graders, I met this kid. He’s different from any other kid in our class. He’s good looking, he plays basketball real good, and he’s intelligent. He got a sister on other class, but said they’re not twins, they’re just siblings. I found his sister to be a snob, but he said, she’s not, and if I am to give her time, we could be good friends too. I don’t know what’s in him, but I did what he asked from me. Everyone, including our teachers, was asking if there was something about us, and of course we would say, we’re just friends. But when one of my friends confessed to him that she likes him, I started to move away. I have thought, since their feelings are mutual, they should go out together. I even suggested a change in seats, which he did. Honestly, I was saddened when he chose to change seats, but I have to accept it. But he later requested to go back to what was the arrangement, and my friend said, he couldn’t concentrate on our classes thinking I am seated beside another guy in the class. They insisted that we could have been meant for each other, since we got a lot of similarities, and even looks alike, but I told them what we have is mere friendship.
Came the following year, and we were no longer classmates. I am still classmates with that girl who confessed to him. Tthat year, I came to know that girl more. I could not blame him for liking that girl, since she’s really nice and beautiful, we even became good friends, and well, she was also the same person to know that I have developed a thing already for that guy. She told me that I should do the same thing that she did, and she said she’d move away from that guy once I get the courage to blurt out my feelings since all of them are looking forward for that story. I was still a kid, and he was the very first person I liked. I was made to tell my feelings through a game, a consequence I have to do. And that was also my first heartbreak…
I received a different response from him. He ignored my confession. He laughed at me. He said I don’t know what I am saying. I was hurt, of course, and I chose to ignore him, to move away from him. I know he noticed it, but it seems like it’s nothing for him. So our grade school days ended that way, we didn’t talked even if I was not sure if I would still be studying there for high school, he did not bother to talk to me even during the graduation.
Came high school, I was about to have a surgery which did not push through, so I was still able to study there. He was my classmate again, together with his sister. His sister thought we can go back to what we were at the beginning, but she was wrong.
There were a lot of firsts that he shared in my life that makes it really difficult to forget him. He was the first guy who saw me stained my uniform when I had my monthly period, yet, that did not return what we used to have. I was sick, he was the one who informed our teacher, and he even visited me at the clinic while I was asleep (that was according to my best friend), but I remained unscathed (that was what I thought). His sister told me how my name was always part of their dinner during elementary days, but now, my name’s no longer part of their household, I just told her, “those are part of childhood days, and today’s different.”
He had his first girlfriend, still, most of our friends thought it better to have me as his girlfriend, but I said, “What we had was all we could ever have.” I don’t know if I hurt him with those words. He stopped reaching out to me, stopped caring about me, or was it because there’s a girl he cared more that time. They broke up, and his friends said he’s broken, but I remained still, and did not made friends with him again. Came the Juniors year, and I was forced to talk to him, all because of a survey assigned to me, which, I have to get the answer from their group (I forgot to mention, he’s a varsity player). His friends thought that’s the start of renewing our lost friendship again, but they were all wrong, I talked to him just to finish the survey, but after that, there was silence again. Seniors, we saw each other at the university I chose to study for college, he passed there as well. The last conversation we had was during the graduation day, when he uttered a simple “congratulations.”
I thought we’d be together still till college, but I was wrong. His sister said, he withdrew the reservation because his friends withdrew, which I knew was not the case. I saw one of his friends at the Commerce building, and was a UAAP player as well, which, he should have been part of, too. That time that I saw his friend, I knew, he withdrew all because of me. He chose a college school over a university because he wanted a school that would be farther from me.
A lot of questions kept on boggling my mind, but I knew better about the answer, everything was my fault. I cannot blame it to anybody, not even him.
It’s been days now since I’ve been so nostalgic about him. Eraserheads songs are back to radio’s regular playlist. It slides me back to that time when Eraserheads dominates the music industry, time when we were still best of friends. I wish that as I slide down to memory lane, I could also make up with him, and retain the friendship, at least. But now, I know it’s late… It’s too late for me to do the first step…
I saw his friendster profile, and it says, “Married”… And his girl commented that they are not just lovers, but best friends, they are united, and it silently shouts back to me that there’s no more room for renewed friendship.
And I just got a dose of my personal share of THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY…And he will be my regret for the rest of my life…The best friend I once had…
What I said before, is now for real, “what we had is all that we could have…”
I’ll just be thankful for the memories of Grade 4…
