Friday, May 25, 2012

Lamentations

Last night, I was staring outside our window and crying. Honestly, I always have this bad mood since I came here in Germany last October. I thought it was brought about only by the weather since October was fall season and then came winter. However, these past few days had been warmer, hitting the temperature scale as high as 30°C, almost feels like Batangas, Philippines. Despite the warmth of spring, I still get this odd feeling every once in a while, to the point that little things irritates me big time. Sometimes I would not want to talk. Sometimes, I feel happier when my husband is at work and I am all alone. Sometimes I wish my mom and my dog are my constant companions instead of him. It sometimes feels like I have decided too early to get on this marriage. But I know far better than giving up. This old Filipino saying, "ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang mainit na kanin na iluluwa mo kapag napaso ang dila mo," (marriage is not like a hot porridge that you eat and when it burns your tongue, you take it out again) is still burning in my heart. I have seen bad times between my grandparents and still, they sticked together until the end. They have the same age difference as I and my husband, hence I am taking their marriage as a model to keep me holding on.

What causes my tantrums and pessimistic thoughts, I am not really sure. It could only be caused by the sudden changes in my life that I think is too much for me. I grew up with my mom always at my side. In my whole single life, the number of times when I need to cook for myself and wash the dishes and do the laundry are very, very few to the point that I can't even remember clearly those events. I think most of those times were when my uncle was so sick and my mom had to accompany my aunt watching over him at the hospital, hence I need to do all stuffs for myself. But I still cheated on those times because I usuall end up dining outside and washing only my lingeries. And now, I have to do all things not only for myself, but also for my husband. What others say, the princess, is now a commoner. Adjusting to my new life is the biggest challenge for me that I sometimes feel so tired physically and emotionally. But I know I am still in the process of learning and getting used to this. A year in marriage is indeed not enough to get used to this. It might take me more months and years to be a professional homemaker like my mom. I just need to keep a positive thought and open mind to get through this. I am still grateful enough that my husband understands me and is shows great patience on me when my tantrums are showing up. What is just difficult is our language barrier. I have difficulty expressing what I feel and think that it sometimes ends up to unwanted arguments. I really do not want to argue with him because I am afraid that arguments can bring us apart and I am afraid to lose him. But I really do not know any other way to express myself aside from breaking into tears.

I wish I can change myself and the way I think and act. I wanted to be the ideal wife to him but it is just so difficult for me. If only there is a magical potion I can take to make me a new person overnight, I'd willingly drink it, no matter how bad it tastes.

All for the happiness of my husband.

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