Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Random Whining

It's August and till now I still do not have a concrete idea what to do with my life here. Soon it would be my first year here in the Land of Beer and Sausages and all I got to accomplish is my completion of integration course by passing the language exam for migrants with a B1 level rating and the political overview exam with only one failure. One may say, those are great accomplishments, why this whining? Well, first of all, this language test for migrants is just half higher than my last Goethe Institut exam that I passed, hence it is just like I repeated my Start Deutsch 2 exam and perfected it this time instead of mere 92 grade. Now I understand why the adviser at the school was a bit hesitant on giving me Module 5 to start at, because my last Goethe certificate eligibles me to a higher module but then, the foreign office required me to complete the Module 5-6 at the VHS. It was still the best thing anyway, because I got to improve my listening and speaking skills, the worst fields on my certificate from Goethe Institut. To make it short, this language exam has already been expected out of me from the start (though I admit I was also nervous because what if I stutter? Then even if I perfected the written exam, I would fail it still because the deciding factor on the exam is the oral exam.). Secondly, the basic political exam already comes with this review materials downloadable from the internet complete with answers. Memorization is my best skills. Honestly, I was disappointed that I incurred one failure on the exam because I was o confident with my answers and it only took me 5 minutes to answer the 25 questions. I am wondering where have I gone wrong? I really wanted to go to the office for migrants and asylant --err refugees (I'm sorry, I got this little problem now with my English skills) and ask them to show me my test paper just to know which question was I not able to answer correctly. But of course, that will be totally crazy to do. After these exams, what happened to me? Back to my old routines at home: waking up, cleaning up, cooking and whole day at the internet. As what I frequently blogged before, I will say it again: I miss working.

I miss waking up early like my husband, fixing breakfast, rushing in the shower and rushing to get to the office on time. I miss the stress that the bosses or the colleagues can give. There was one Saturday when my ex-boss asked me to go to the office and help him out on the presentation. I was too excited and full of energy that I only had to pause when my husband came into the old office I used to stay during my training days and tell me it's time to eat. I was even working longer than my husband and my ex-boss as if it's just one of those normal days I had a year ago. They said they'd compensate me for that, it's already 2 months since I did that and I am still not paid, BUT I am happy. That day, I already felt compensated, because they made me feel my worth again. They showed me that I was indeed a big loss for them when I married and have to give up my position in the Manila office to be with my husband here in Germany. That even if they already got someone who replaced me in Manila, there are still these work load that they actually needed me, just like before. I am forever grateful to Emerson for they are like a family to me both in the Philippines and here in Germany. They never forget me and my skills. It is sad though that the companies here that I've applied to are not giving me any chance to prove them of my worth. Every application letter and resume sent, all I receive are just rejection letters. They did not even gave me a chance for an interview. Hence all this whining.

I feel so undervalued here. I am actually willing to start anew hence I am applying on all these "Ausbildung." Yet, they will not give me the chance. I wish one day, a company with a similar heart like Emerson would call me and give me a chance to prove myself. However, the question is, how long should I wait for that time to come? I feel so stocked in the moment. It feels like my life is not moving forward. The days pass and I am still here. Everybody moves forward and I am left on the same spot after my integration exams.

I thought about going back to the university but I asked myself, "am I still fit to relearn my chemistry? Will I be able to make it to these companies that turn me down after doing this?" There is fear and there is hope at the same time. However, the desire to learn Chemistry is now a bit dull. It is no longer shining like it used to before. My friends advised me to take a degree that is of highest need here and it is either chemistry or engineering. My heart is telling me to be a linguist instead, but I do not know where to go after getting an M.A. here, unlike chemistry that the future is so clear, my fear is that it is taught in pure German and I might fail.

I really do not know what to do with my life. I am so left behind. I wanted to move forward but there are no jobs available for me that will give me the opportunity to take the next step. There are countless job vacancies but all I got from them are also countlesa rejection letters. It is sometimes depressing and stressful. I hope somebody out there would help me and give me a hand to go on.

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