Sunday, September 4, 2011

Realizations

At 21, I had my first serious boyfriend. I know for some, I am a late bloomer, but it is all because out of fear from my mom. I grew up with the greatest fear that if I entertain a guy, my mom would throw me out of our door. I honestly had liked a guy at a younger age, but my mom showed me her steel fist, hence I waited until I graduated from the university. However, this guy turned out to be not the right one for me, in short, a nightmare. I threw away my life because of this guy, putting myself and my mom’s life on the edge. I was so blinded, that I was ready to turn my back from my mom. But the 21 years that mom and I shared cannot equate our year-old relationship. Truly, blood is thicker than water. When mom got sick all because of my one year upheaval, I turned my back from love. I told myself it is going to be me and mom until the end of time.

Three years after,  I was determined to reach for my dreams, for me and for my mom alone, and I was determined never to love again. I changed my lifestyle, changed my environment. Everything is going on smoothly, though honestly, I was never happy. I was longing for that love that I know is different from my mom’s love, but I am afraid to love again. Afraid that if I do, I will lose my mom forever, and I am afraid to be alone.

At 25, I closed my heart, but for some reason or another, somebody was able to unlock it. Little by little, he was able to get me out of my comfort zone. He was able to open my life back to the world. He showed my mom that I too, need some love, a love that is different from a parent’s love. Little by little, he was also able to transform my mom. And I could not explain how happy I was that time.

At 27, I am married to a 42-year old guy. I am a proud wife of my husband. He who deserves all the appreciation there is in the world. At 27, I realized how lucky I am to have found a guy as loving and understanding as my man. Though we do have misunderstandings, he never fails on showing me that at the end of the day, I am the only woman he loves and he will love forever. He proved to me that not all guys are the same, that there is one guy meant for me to love and be with for the rest of my life. I cannot imagine my life if I did not meet my husband. I cannot imagine what kind of life I have if I continued on my revolt.

Whatever happened five years ago, I am thankful. If all those nasty things did not come along my way, maybe I am still the same old me, blinded at the wrong love, or worst, maybe I am alone struggling in life. If those painful things did not happen, events that led me to change my life, I just do not know where I might be right now. I am thankful for all the tears that I had to shed in the past, the painful words I had to hear from people, and I am thankful to all the wrong people that hurt me in the past. Because of them, I learned to be strong. Because of them, I learned how to face the world. And because of them, I met the guy that God had created to love me unconditionally.

And I will surely give him back the love that he deserves as long as I live.

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