Friday, January 21, 2011

I Want To Take It Slow

Lately, I’m back to my old self. The old me that made my old high school friends to call me “Indianera” or “Drawing.” I don’t really want to be like that, in fact I hate those name-calling, but I cannot blame them because I do things that justifies that name.


In Filipino culture, we have many terms, one is when you are late for the appointment, we say that you are following Filipino time. A negative trait that connotes Filipinos is late. We are aware that it is bad, maybe it is with the culture or the environment, but people still keep on doing that. Well, that is not what I want to rant about myself. Another term is what my friends call me “indianera” or “drawing.” It connotes that one NEVER keeps up with the promise of meeting a person, either he/ she makes up reasons or simply hides away. Sadly, I am like that. However though, I can justify myself for being one.


When I was younger, I am not easily allowed to go anywhere and meet my friends. Honestly, I only learned to take the public transportation when I was in sophomore year, either my mom would drop me off and pick me up or never at all. Sometimes, I even ask help from Mama on what reasons should I say when she could not bring me to that place. That is how I grew up. Always by my mom’s side. Then I went to high school, and realized that all my schoolmates had all their time. They can go to parties without any worries. They know much stuff. I felt too childish when they ask me to go with them. Since I feel shy if I say I do not know how to go to that place, what I do is say yes and never show up. The following day that I would see them, I am already ready with tons of alibi. In the university though, it was a different thing. Since I was living with relatives and normally my allowance is sent on a weekly basis, I do not have extra cash to go out with friends. Afraid to tell them the truth about my financially incapacity, I always make up reasons just so they would not expect me to be there. I frequently answer them maybe, and always with a condition. Honestly, I always tell them about my niece as an alibi, which they buy off. However, since I grew up doing it, saying maybe or saying yes and then not showing up, I carried it with me until working years. One friend of mine even got mad at me because of this attitude. Funny during her wedding, here are the exact words she said when she saw me: “Buti dumating ka (Good thing you’re here!).” Same during the baptism of her baby girl “akala ko magkukulang ang ninang (I thought the godmother would not be complete).” Sad to hear though that she is normally inviting me for the sake of friendship, but she got used to my attitude hence she is no longer expecting me on ANY event. I cannot blame her for that, but since her wedding, I did my best to be better and thankfully I was able to change a bit, not until this month…


We are having Chemistry reunion tomorrow (and I remember myself blogging about it and so excited about it), but three days before the event, I thought of backing out. I just suddenly felt tired and do not want to party more. Maybe it is because of the German class that keeps me busy the whole week, hence I am always looking forward for my weekends. For me, only on weekends will I be able to sleep longer and bond with my mother.


So there, I know another friend (or friends) would start to call me “indianera” or “drawing” again. I just have to deal with it. I just want to take my time real slow.

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